Things I wish I can talk to my dad or my Boss about

Pa, I'm not happy here. I don't know if this is depression talking or what, but I'm not happy.

Because of that, I'm not doing my best. And when I'm not doing my best, I become not proud of myself. And I'm lagging behind in progress at work and it shows.

All I ever want in my life is to be happy and live proud. Which I am neither at this moment.

I want to quit. But what do I do if I quit? It's like in a toxic relationship where you don't leave because you don't know where to go, you don't know if you can survive without the other. I know that, maybe that's why I want to quit.

If I'm not quitting then I need to leave. I can't wait to leave this place. If I can leave tomorrow I'll just go. But leaving needs paperwork and moving things and God, why only good people die early? Why am I not one of them?

You texted me today and my eyes watered thinking how should I say this to you. You're not here, you'll just be worried about me. And I don't know how to help myself what more what kind of help should I seek.

The thing that you texted me was about that pre-Master program exam. How about that, dad? How can I tell you I want to quit when you're sending me a pre-Master program exam flyer? When you told me "might as well take it".

I wanted to ask you if you'll still be proud of me if I quit, but I know the answer and I don't want to disappoint you. You'll still love me either way because you're a good father and I'm your daughter, but I'm sure you'll be disappointed even a little bit. Even I am disappointed in myself.

What do I do? I want to cry, maybe I'll feel better. Maybe this is depression talking, but why am I depressed? Can I not handle stress? How did I survive Egypt if I'm succumbing to this?

And I hope Allah will make me happy as much as I'm making someone else happy

Here again. I'm here, staring at the empty space to write. Should I tell you about my day? Let me just tell you how it ended. It ended with me sad. Alone and sad. I was then wearing a mask because I was sleepy postcall but then I was grateful I had my mask on because I was sad.

There I was at 5.30pm. We finished rounds and everyone left to go home, but I'm OT tomorrow and there were six patients waiting to be taken consent from.

I was postcall. I was sleepy, tired, I only had a cup of coffee and two curry puffs all day, and I still have work to do.

I kept trying to calm myself but ugly thoughts ran through my head. It's my responsibility anyway because it's my OT tomorrow. I didn't get any help and I didn't ask for any help. I don't know how to ask for help.

The worst thing is that, when I'm oncall the OT people leave the consent taking to me. That's what made me feel so lonely and sad.

So I stood there silently with my mask on and tears gathering in my eyes.

Date me #2

I came to work today and after rounds with Boss, Mijah called me if I wanted nasi lemak or scrambled eggs. I laughed sheepishly at her. She's pampering me.

She later showed up at my ward with a bag of McD. I was heading to PSICU but I let her in the MO room and finished my coffee and hash brown while she finished her nasi lemak. She just finished her rounds with her boss and due to go home for a sleep. Haha. We finished our breakfast joyfully, then I hugged her and we parted.

She texted me when I was in PSICU saying she wants to crash in my oncall room waiting for her referral case. I said sure.

After I was done at PSICU with Munis, we walked back to our ward. Munis's postcall stuffs still in the room. I remembered Mijah so I told him

"Oh. Dalam bilik MO ada tetamu."

Munis looked excited. We walked up to ward and I ran ahead of him to heads up Mijah that a guy is entering, but the room was empty. I blinked at it and back to Munis.

"Mana tetamu Atiqah?"

"Entah." I grinned and ran off to the counter in case she was there, but she wasn't.

Munis joined me at the counter. "Siapa tetamu Atiqah? Yang Elango kata tu ke?"

I blinked before I realized his implication and I laughed. "Bukan, lain."

"Lain gender?"

I shook my head. I kind of like the idea of it. "Malas la explain." I laughed.

Munis looked on funny and gossiped with the counter nurses about my boyfriend. He went back, but soon he came back to the ward saying he forgot to take his laptop. He was deliberating in front of the door so I told him

"Masuk je, takde orang."

He grinned at me. "Mana Atiqah sorok tetamu ni?"

I laughed at him.

Later after I got a moment to finish my breakfast, I realized that's probably how doctors date. Stealing moments to care for each other.

Compensation

When I tell my friends I'm going to Lahad Datu, they all pity me because it's so far. Not their fault though, I do actually feel sorry for myself. I do feel a tiny bit (okay, a lot) cast away, far far away.

But duty calls. Whatever.

And they always tell me "maybe you'll find your jodoh there."

Like really, everyone is saying that. Like that's the only compensation I can and should get for being cast away so so far away. Haha.

I guess it's true. I hope so. I do want to meet you. I can't wait to meet you. I want to have dinner with you. I also have work to do, but I can't wait to meet you.

---

On another note. I'll write about my 29th birthday later.

Date me

My registrar Elango once saw me coming to work with my ring on and he asked

"Eh Atiqah are you married?"

"Nope." I replied with an echo, dropped my bag and went to round.

Since then he has been pestering me about my boyfriend and getting me to admit I have one. I really wish I can but I don't lie, lies are complicated to remember.

So today my other registrar Munis asked me if I can switch my Sunday oncall with his Saturday oncall, but I told him I can't because I've already make plans. (I am going hiking with Nisa tomorrow.)

"Her boyfriend is coming tomorrow." Elango took a shot with a grin in my direction.

I decided to humour him. "Yes he is."

"Your boyfriend is coming?" Munis asked in elation.

"Yeah that's why I initially didn't want to take Vebster's Sunday oncall."

"You should go somewhere, get your boyfriend to cook you something."

"I might." I nodded. I was imagining Seungri being all domestic. Hahaha.

We went back to rounds and Elango kept pestering me on where I am going because he wanna go there and pester my date hahaha like I'll tell.

Rebel without a cause

I've always had this habit of cutting my bangs off whenever I'm tensed, or disturbed, or whatever. Hold a scissors to my forehead and snip. It's probably a subtle way at body harming because I'm at my limit in hell but I don't want to go to hell for real. So I cut my hair instead.

But things escalated.

First it's the tattoo-like henna I had drawn over my forearm. It was in December and Ara suggested we get hennaed because it was almost her wedding day. I had a tribal design hennaed over my wrist, just hidden under my long sleeve because I have work and tattoos aren't allowed in our professional conduct. RM 15 from a booth set up in the middle of Imago. Their store was in Karamunsing but I forgot to get the details. Mr. Ashok commented it was pretty and I told him I had it done for a wedding.

Then it was Jiha's wedding in March or so and I had a dreamcatcher drawn over the whole length of my forearm flexor. In bright red, RM 20 from PinkyToes Nail Spa in Centre Point. Chung said I had tattoos now. I didn't deny.

And then last weekend. I just had to. Went to Centre Point three times just to get it done (first PinkyToes was closing, second the shop wasn't up and open yet, third they effing ran out of henna dammit) before I went to the more expensive but too floral designed Pretty Hennababy in Centre Point. Paid RM50 for a floral design over the whole of my flexor in black.

I loved my first one best. This third one looked like I drew on my forearm with a Sharpie. Anaes MOs kept commenting did I get tattooed or something and I pulled down my sleeve in response. That day in OT I kept thinking what Jiyong's mom once told him

"If you get any more tattoos you will look like a dirty beggar."

I really did feel like a dirty beggar and I scrubbed it off this morning before work. Lasted only six days. Plus I had a bruise nearby it from the lid of the biohazard bin closing onto my forearm and it was hideously purple and the whole thing just made my forearm looked like a mess.

But then tonight I plastered a temporary tattoo on my arm. What the heck is going on with you?

Second it was the hair dyeing thing. My hair is burgundy close to a dirty dark shade of purple now. I first had it coloured when Nisa suggested we had it done just for fun. When was that again?

Then I dyed it again in April because I was damn stressed with the exam. And then again today, because I want it bright red before I turn 29.

The bad thing about looking young is I forget I'm old and only getting older. I'm gonna be 29 after this weekend and damn me do I know how old that is? Let's not even talk about accomplishment. What do I have to brag about?

Yeah that's it. Nil, nada.

We're being sent away because you're manja

Today I was excited and pumped to plan for the rest of the year.

And evening come with news that we might be sent to Lahad Datu instead of Keningau, and you sulked because LD is far.

There's a reason why we haven't been to LD yet. It's too far to drive to. Yeah. So?

With your mood, I guess planning ahead is something we'll take slow.

Just go sleep. Think about celebrating the first anniversary of The Great Seungri tomorrow. Think about the roadtrip next week. Think about where to get the best sunset in Fukuoka.

I don't need a reason to love them but

What little time I've spent with the Limbang Princes has been eye opening.

Pofin and Faez may be idiots but clinically I trust them. They've always been one of the most reliable colleagues I have when we were in HRPZ and as MOs they're the ones who established the ETD Department in Limbang. Faez is basically their HOD.

And career wise they are driven. The first question Pofin asked me when I met them yesterday was "So Atiqah, apa progress?"

They sat for BSE last month or so. Results out in a week. And next week or so they're going for Masters entrance exam. What do you know. They're still the laid back idiots I know and love but professionally they're something else.

Me? I replied him with a shake. "I'm doing my General Surgery rotation soon. And I'm never taking exams again."

Fooling around with them was fun, but
I need to grow up. I need to be career driven as well. I need to step up my game.

Friday nights for partying

On Tuesday I found out Pofin was coming to Tawau for the Borneo Trauma Update from Syukri and I threw a fit. That bastard didn't even tell me about it!

I called him immediately, tapping my feet angrily while waiting for the elevator. I don't ever act like this but this is Pofin, he's my favourite bastard, his name is on the left lobe of my liver and I specifically told him I will block his number if he didn't meet me when he comes to KK.

And I don't really call people but there I was giving him a call in an accusing tone acting like a clingy girlfriend asking why was he in KK but didn't tell me about it.

He was surprised and asked me how did I know. I could imagine him looking around as he thought I was in the airport as well (he and Faez drove from Limbang and just arrived at KKIA for their flight to Tawau). I pffed him and told him that wasn't the point and that I was oncall and was at the hospital. He then explained himself.

We were cool after that haha. It was fun being dramatic for a while. I asked him when he's coming back to KK. He said on Friday. I said I'll go see him after work and he said okay.

And so Friday came and I was looking forward to dinner today. I texted him and he said Eddy was gonna take them somewhere first and he'll text me afterwards. I said okay but I was feeling peachy. I thought we were gonna have dinner together. I didn't have lunch and I was hungry. I wanted to eat with him.

So I was waiting for him hungrily. I watched an episode of Korean drama thinking it's a given that I wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me, I mean I've always love more than I am loved. I was sulking and then Luqman texted regarding our trip so I thought maybe I should just stay in tonight and settle our trip things.

At eight Pofin called me. I glared at my phone. He made me wait, let's make him wait a bit. I didn't even reply his messages after that. He called a total of three times in half an hour and I just kept on sulking while settling my trip thing.

Then I realized sulking only made me hungrier and pining more to see him and that an hour and half later was when I finally reply him. And I was glad I did.

As I put on my jacket I asked Luqman if he was gonna look through accomodation tonight.

He said he was.

I told him "Friday nights for partying" implying I was going out.

He said he was too old for that.

I should have replied him good night, but I don't have that kind of polite etiquette. So I didn't reply anything.

I went out and met the boys, where conversation and laughter flew fluid like old times. We finished our food and the boys were heading next to karaoke, but I didn't follow them to their car when they crossed the road towards it because I saw the time was 11.30pm already. Pofin looked at me surprised and said

"Eh Tiqah tak ikut (pergi karaoke)?"

I said no and waved them off. He said he'll see me tomorrow.

It was totally him to expect me to follow them but I know where my limits are. It was bad enough that I was going out with three guys late at night and now smelling like smoke and sweet shisha, I think my parents might disown me if I hang out with them past midnight at a karaoke bar.

I walked towards my car. Yup, he's definitely my favourite bastard.

bebeh

We had a chronic HO once, or you can call her our ward adopted child. She's cheeky with a belly bigger than her head and doesn't contribute much to our department besides "menghabiskan nasi Likas" and make our day brighter.

She liked that song "Sumandak Sabah" so much and will shake her tiny hips to it. I used to make fun of her "Kau sumandak Sabah kah? Kau lawa kah? Kau pandai kah masak nasi?" but she will laugh happily at me probably thinking I'm praising her.

They were playing that song in OR today and thus my kinda mellow mood.

We discharged her to her biological mother what three weeks ago and have lost contact with her for the past week. I did the discharge, the casenote was too thick for me to bother with so I wrote a one-page summary basically on how to take care of her and to just give me a call if any more information is needed. We decided we didn't want anyone using her summary for sympathy and personal gain heh.

She's a strong kid. I told her to take care of herself, come to the hospital if she's sick and don't die at home when we parted but she only screamed at me for hugging her too tight. Brat.

She left her walker's musical thing in ward and yesterday one of the student nurses lighted that thing up and the annoying music come to life and the staff nurses and I all turned to (jokingly) scoff at that student.

"Jangan disentuh benda itu, kau mahu guris hati kami semua kah?"

Thinking of her makes me happy, I hope she will always be happy and healthy wherever she is. 

Edited February 2021:

She was later adopted by a police couple in Tawau and so far came for her TCA in Tawau. They always send me videos of her when she does. I'm not sure what name she goes by now but she will always be Bebeh or Putput to me.

I'm always appreciative of my Anaes colleagues. I used to be one of them.

It was 2pm. I was at the counter, sleepy, lazily reviewing patients. Two small kids ran pass me in the hallway blabbing baby talks and I recognized them as today's post op kids.

Running around kids shouldn't be in the hospital, they should be discharged. I stood up from my seat and ran after them. I asked the mothers to bring the kids back to their bed so I could examine them before their discharge.

The mothers brought the kids back while I went to get my casenotes. The kids were laid down for a minute waiting for me before they decided to up and about. My fault for making them wait. The two of them regrouped and ran around the cubicle. I had to chase them back.

Whoever the Anaes were, they gave hell good blocks. The kids felt nothing. One was a 5 hours post bilateral herniotomy and the other was a 4 hours post right orchidopexy. They were running in ward like normal kids.

The mother looked at me. Will the blocks wear off?

They will, I said, in about 12 hours. That's when we let oral analgesic works.

"Are you busy? Can you come and get me?"

When it comes to giving rides, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't let you take a Grab. I'll send you to the airport. I'll drive slow, for the sake of spending time with you.

But to ask for your time for me? I won't do that. Because I don't expect anything from you.

I remember how I walked home from KB Mall in the spring rain because my parents couldn't fetch me and I didn't want to call anyone. I thought of you, I thought of another friend. I didn't trust taxis, so I ended walking almost an hour in the rain.

Or when I was admitted and I didn't tell you nor the team because I imagined I would be sad if you guys knew but didn't come visit me.

I know how I feel about you, what you are to me. But I don't care how you feel about me, what I am to you. At times I think I'm appreciated as much as I appreciate you, other times I think I'm too much for even expecting anything.

Do I value myself less? I think it's me being selfish. I become loose so I wouldn't be hurt.

Luqman is here

Went to KB yesterday with Luqman, Mizah and Kudus trying to catch a glimpse of Aki in the rain. We played poker and we did.

In between me bitching I shouldn't have slept all night last night and finish the MC script so that I could enjoy Sunday with them. But I slept all night last night and now poor my MC partner waiting for the script.

"Kesian Elango" was my mantra as I tried to motivate myself to finish it with my laptop on my lap somewhere in Lasau Podi, surrounded by beauty and cow's dung.

I finished it and emailed it to him before 7pm and drove us back to KK.

Today was Day 1 of the event. I tended to Luqman and he went to eat with the kakak-kakak while I did my work. And then I came back to check on him if he needed anything and he was then talking to my MC partner with his louder, kidding tone.

"Hey bro kenapa you marah Atiqah semalam?"

I grinned mischievously and went to hide behind Luqman, mimicking a kid hiding behind her protective older brother. Elango was spluttering and I caught a glimpse of his awkward, don't-want-to-get-in-trouble face while the kakak-kakak laughed at me. Then I left to continue my work with happy skips.

I guess I'm just a kid who wants to be pampered once in a while. I've been good on my own, living here on my own. Please praise me, do scold me and let me sulk for a bit, and please shower me some love sometimes. Just for a second. Let me feel vulnerable and safe for just one second.

And I'll skip happily back to reality soon after.

Specialists nowadays are young

I was standing in front of the elevators with the broken button, just staring at the numbers absently. Both elevators were coming up. I looked outside to where the sun was setting blindingly before turning back to the moving numbers, shouldering my heavy bags. I wanted to go home.

A girl appeared on my right and waited for the elevator with me. She noticed the button didn't light up and went closer to hit it.

"The button's broken," I quipped absent-mindedly. "You either go to the fifth floor and wait for it there, or you pray someone's dropping off at this sixth floor."

She stopped and nodded at me silently. I was obviously doing the latter. I noticed her eying me up and down but I merely stared at the moving numbers blankly.

"Are you a medical officer here.. or are you a specialist?"

That made me turn. Whatever made her think the latter? She was talking to me with confidence laced with cockiness of a seasoned medical officer, but she didn't know who I was and I've never seen her around. She must be new.

"I'm Atiqah, a medical officer with Surgery," I turned my head towards the direction of my ward. "And you are?"

"Ulfa. I'm a first year Paeds trainee."

"I see. Welcome to Likas."

"Thanks."

The numbers stopped at Five and it went down. I sighed. "Looks like we gotta go down."