Acceptance

More or less it went like this.

A: Actually.. last weekend I went to KL.
L: What? When?
Last weekend. You were oncall on Saturday, postcall Sunday.
And you didn't tell me? That's lame.
... You were oncall Saturday so I didn't feel right to bother you on your postcall day.
Excuses.

His tone and answer surprised me. I actually wanted to meet him, he was the trigger for me to go to KL.

[15/03, 14:10] LHRM: Deal with it
[15/03, 14:25] AH: I feel like hitting you
[15/03, 14:52] LHRM: If that relieves u
[15/03, 14:58] AH: You're so kind, maybe I'll try that
[15/03, 15:13] LHRM: I can take that

Except I didn't. He was oncall on Saturday so Sunday should be for his family la kan. I wouldn't kacau anyone on days like that. Plus I was with family.

But he is family too?
He's the family-by-choice. More importantly I shouldn't take his time with his (biological) family for my own sake, not on a postcall Sunday.

But yeah, retrospectively I should have called him to say I'm in town but can't meet him. It's the right thing to do, right?

L: You datang hari Sabtu, balik?
A: 7 malam..
Sabtu?
Ahad.
When someone doesn't want to meet someone, they make excuses.
I'm-
Where did you go actually?
I went to my uncle's in Semenyih.
Why not your brother's? He's in UM kan.

And closer to your place la kan.

A: I made the plan so abrupt so I didn't want to bother him. He came over for breakfast on Sunday though.
L: Okay.
Sorry, I..
It was your choice, not mine. I'm cool, but that's a lame excuse.

Berdesing telinga sekejap. He sounded a tone higher from his usual even tone betraying his coolness and I thought he was making a big deal out of it. But him making a big deal about it means it was a big deal to him that I didn't tell him I was in town. And he was right. Us not meeting up was because I decided not to bother him, I assumed his position.

Means I can call him for next time?
Yes. But should you?
He did say we can call him anytime.
What does anytime means?

He's the cool person I look up to and I'm the lame kid trying to figure myself out. I was actually grinning awkwardly. I did feel sorry for myself that I was there but didn't get to meet him but I was not sorry for my reason for not calling him.

A: Thanks for calling. I'll see you around.
L: I hope you figure out whatever it is you have to deal with.
Yeah maybe I'll call you if I don't.
I don't expect to receive any calls from you.
Haha..
This isn't sarcasm, it's the acceptance that adults do. We're both adults.

Yeah. Like I've already accepting everything as it is. I'll do better next time. Him calling me means I am somewhere in his Care Radar, so I should show better my gratitude that someone is checking up on me. Respect the fact that he cares. I should return the favour.

And I smiled when he said we're both adults. I don't feel so adult nowadays with my mood swings. God how do I get myself out of this.

How exactly do you show that you care about someone?
I pray for them?
Is that showing?
Let me sleep on this, I'll answer you cm.

Help me

Today I was so listless I didn't speak to anyone at work and my colleagues didn't come near me let alone start a conversation with me. I didn't even greet Boss when I met him on clinic. Huh was I rude? He probably didn't realize it anyway.

Miss Haz was the only one who seemed ignorant of my stressed out face and she talked to me like any other day.

The listless was at the level of suppressing the urge to throw things. I really wanted to throw things and kick stuffs but I can't. I can't. I guess I need to run but where to? I should talk to someone.

So early in the morning I asked Farano if she has acquittance in Psy as I could use a referral to for now. But she didn't have any.

I called Rokiah in the middle of rounds and I called and called and called until she sent a default message "Can't talk right now, call me back later?"

I replied "Kedah kerja Jumaat rupanya boo tak islamik" to which she replied "ngek oncall mek".

By noon I was still listless with no definite cause so I texted Luqman for help.

Are you oncall this weekend?
Tomorrow
Okay
U?
No oncall this weekend
Up to anything?
Need to run away but haven't decided on a destination yet
Run from ur adversity?
Yeah
Deal with it

When that reply came I grinned and gripped my phone because the urge to throw things was back in full force. I don't want to deal with it I don't even know what to deal with!

So I called him to shout or whatever to let him hear the frustration while walking with rounds. But the call ended. Not sure whether I accidentally ended it or he did. Whatever. I was still grinning/snarling. I bet if the call went through he'd probably just "heh are you done?" at me. Would have infuriated me more but likely to comfort me as well.

The good thing about messaging is I can try to hide what a bastard I am. So I texted him back.

I feel like hitting you
If that relieves u
You're so kind, maybe I'll try that
I can take that

I know it's dangerous to be alone in this state of mind. I'll probably end up curled in bed for two days and that'd be bad for my sanity. Or I'll go to some river alone and be weird and that'd probably be bad for my sanity as well.

Should I go to Limbang and meet Fadzlin? Urgh what if she's oncall? How should we go to Limbang, drive? I've never driven there before and Ban will be bising again. What if Pofin isn't even around that'd be useless.

So I looked up flights online and bought flight tickets to KL. Almost RM500 but whatever, my sanity needs help. I'll stay with Chikna this weekend. Maybe I'll go see Luqman on Sunday, take him up on his offer and hit him or something. Tell him I'm sorry for being a burden and I should try harder so as not to become a burden but I don't know how.

Kak Solehah my housemate saw me walking out from my room and asked me if I'm going out.

"Saya balik KL weekend ni."
"Oh. Ada apa?"
"Family.. stay dengan makcik."
She looked concerned. "Okay ke?"

I paused. It's not my makcik who's not okay, I'm not okay. Should I tell her or should I get going?

I said "Okay" and she asked me how I'm getting to airport.

I called Chikna later and she asked me why did I decide to suddenly come over.

"Ika stress."
"Bagus! Datang laa."

Chiknaaaaaaaaaaa why are you saying bagus that I'm stressed out!!!!! Yeah yeah cause I very rarely come over that's why it's bagus.

And then I called dad. He asked why didn't I come home instead so I say there's no direct flight from KB on Sunday. Heck there's no way I'm doing layovers.

RUNAWAY

Had to get out of bed at 6.30am today to make it in time for Dato' briefing us on OT today at 7.15am (Lately I've been throwing tantrums and get out of bed by 7.30am). I was so annoyed at having to wake up early, I was actually awake earlier than that but kept on rebelliously snoozing every ten minutes.

Got out of bed annoyed and sleepy, got out of shower still annoyed and a bit less sleepy, and finished my coffee still annoyed and a tad bit sleepy.

I got to work, did my job, and when I'm alone I'll huffed in the hallway. My surgeon saw me and asked what's up.

"I'm annoyed I have to wake up early!"

Look, I'm from Kelantan. I don't have terrible traffic like in KL, and since Egypt time I have always live close to where I have to be in the morning because I don't like waking up to get to work.

If it's a weekend or when I'm in the woods I'm automatically up before sunrise, but for work? Meh I don't have enough motivation for that.

But Dato' tonight said "I need the jam. Balik kerja pukul 6, kalau sampai rumah 6.10 saya jadi mati akal."

In my line of work, you're not important. You're dispensable. You can MIA anytime you want and someone else will get the job done. Nobody cares.

I'm feeling a bit swamped lately

Oh when are you not? Late for work almost daily despite waking up early.

and have been snapping at this one staff nurse since yesterday. Just now she mentioned my name while arranging a new admission and I went

"Kenapa kau noted aku, ada apa pulak?" Whining.

And she said "Tak saya sebut nama patient saja..."

I huffed and continued walking away. And I felt so bad for snapping at her, she did nothing wrong. So I went back to her and hugged her from the side.

"Sorry Alisda, banyak aku kena minta maaf dengan kau."

And she was perplexed. She probably didn't even hear me right. All the other staffs asked me what's wrong with me but I just walked off to OT.

Sampai je OT, Miss bising cam apa.
Mana MO lain.
Kenapa tak habiskan round, surgeon tak round pun kenapa MO tak round.

Wtf aku balik wad setelkan kerja wad lepas Boss round twins, mana aku tahu orang oncall postcall tak buat round. Aku pun mesej orang oncall dia tak round peri ke? Miss super bising.

Dia kata lepas ni dia round.

Aku kata telinga aku dah berdesing. Aku pergi round sekarang.

Dan aku pun round. Aku pakai mask sebab muka aku tension.

Masalahnya orang postcall tak update patient peri. Aku sikit lagi nak meletup dalam group tu. Korang malas tulis kertas passover so nak passover dalam Whatsapp tapi passover la properly dalam group wtf benda ni pun nak kena bagitahu ke, kau busy amende oncall kau?

Aku setel round, aku update surgeon oncall ("Oh ya kan saya tak round NICU  tadi"), aku turun klinik setelkan list OT Khamis.

Pukul dua aku balik wad and round. Pastu Miss call aku minta printkan CT filem twins. Aku pun bagitahu la surgeon oncall aku nak pergi Radio.

"Oh ya kan tak print lagi. Thanks."

Aku pergi. Pastu sambung round. Aku turun balik Radio ambil filem. Hmm axial je, cukup ke. Aku pun pergi OT cari Boss.

"Boss apa lagi yang diperlukan? Sorry saya tak reti."

"Ni pun cukup." Boss aku jenis apa-apa aja la yang ada, dia tak pernah minta lebih.

"Kalau nak lagi boleh, saya request print sekarang sempat lagi."

"Nak small bowel series dia, nak coronal view dia."

"Okay saya pergi. Antibiotics esok nak Rocephin/Flagyl atau?"

"Rocephin/Flagyl."

"Beres Boss."

Aku dah baca slide Dato and Dato mention Rocephin/Flagyl, aku tanya MO OT esok dia kata Unasyn cukup dan aku argue ikut local protocol atau surgeon protocol? Dato yang nak operate dia la dictate.

Maka aku turun Radio cari semua yang diperlukan. Aku tanya dalam group small bowel series dah ada ke belum, aku tak pernah nampak. Diorang kata diorang tengok dalam komputer je. Aku kata we need that. Oh and esok antibiotics Rocephin/Flagyl.

"Okay noted." They said.

Nape aku sorang buat benda ni? Entah. Maka turun la sorang lagi MO pergi kutip fluroscopy baby sementara aku setelkan CT filem. Boss dan surgeon lain ada dengan twin dan MO tersebut maklumkan. Aku terus pergi NICU.

Dua minit dengan diorang, telefon aku berbunyi. Aku double park orang, beliau mahu keluar. Boss was talking to the parent.

"Miss, saya double park orang."

"Okay okay pergi."

Aku pun pergi. Mana MO lain ni ape korang buat Boss kan di sini? Aku pun mesej dalam group "Guys go to L3 please."

"Ok coming." Sorang reply.

"Otw." Sorang reply.

At this point, I have build up a lot. Whatever. Aku je concern bila korang nak isi claim oncall harini dah 5hb dah. Takkan nak hantar explanation letter kenapa lambat kepada pengarah?

I need to vent my frustration. I should get laid. Hah. I'll go find a boxing gym somewhere close by.

"If it hurts to be with or without you, I'd rather be with you."

I went to a short course the other day and for ice breaking they asked us to introduce the person next to us and tell one interesting thing about themselves.

Kent from ED was going to introduce me so he asked what's interesting about me. I paused a little, considered answering him with an

"I'm an idiot"

but then I'd have to explain. So I told him "I'm from Kelantan but I don't speak Kelantanese."

When I hate something, I keep my mouth shut and I walk away. You don't deserve any feelings from me, so all you get is my ignorance.

I never really acknowledge this, but I think I have to make this announcement.

I hate to be told to "chill". If I'm not pissed off and you tell me to chill, I'll get pissed off.

If I am pissed off and you tell me to chill, I'll only get more pissed off.

So yeah, never tell me to "chill". Try other words.

I don't know why, I just hate that particular word. This colleague has been using that word on me and I hate it every single time. Maybe it's the word I hate, or maybe it's her. Likely it's both the word and her.

Hatred is a strong feeling and I don't reserve feelings for unworthy people. She's unworthy. She doesn't deserve any feelings from me, so I'm just going to ignore her for the rest of my life here. Get it? You hear that Atiqah?

TRO biliary atresia

Had to escort stable babies for ultrasound today because we were understaffed. After almost half hour of waiting I then periodically go in and out of the ultrasound room to check what the MOs were doing. My baby was fasting almost 6 hours now and crying of hunger. I missed round, there's ongoing elective case and we have an interesting emergency case waiting for OT call. I didn't really want to be here.

Tai who was in charge of CT scan saw me waiting since ever and asked "You're still here? Why are you waiting quietly and not scolding my MO?"

After Ezma's FB post yesterday I felt like I should brag about our good rapport with the Radiology haha. Kau dah kenapa Tai suruh aku marah colleague kau?

"I've checked inside, they're finishing."

"I'll go check again," he said. I thanked him.

Immediately after, they called my patient in and Nizam there apologized to me for the wait hahaha see so nice these people. He shouldn't have.

Anyway they scanned my biliary atresia baby and the Visiting Paed Radiologist Prof Rohazli herself came and scanned my baby!

I was holding the baby when she came in (because Radiology is a cold place and babies stop crying when held) and she asked if I'm the mother. The other radiologists laughed and explained I'm the MO. She asked me about the case and I presented to her.

And she taught the important points in scanning for a biliary atresia case. I was grateful to be there because I get to learn and ease them by knowing the case.

Dr Anithaa then asked me how did we do OTC, so I explained to her our procedures (lucky for me I scrubbed my first assisting Kasai last week and thus remember the details). Prof then realized I was the Paed Surgery MO and she asked me if I'm a trainee.

I sheepishly replied I'm not a trainee yet.

Boss forgets his phone when he's preoccupied

Thursday he was covering elective operation while waiting for the emergency case to be called, so he left his phone on the phone rack of OR 3 where we were scrubbed in together. When the emergency case was called to OR 1, he unscrubbed and left me and Miss R.

Suddenly his ringtone blasted (at this point I have memorized everyone's ringtone) and I was like "Alamak Kak Dinah (circulating nurse) tolong angkat tu, phone Boss! Bawakan ke OR 1 please!"

Maka berlari la Kak Dinah ke OR 1. She came back after leaving his phone there.

I finished the elective case and settled my OT notes. Boss exited his OR with a sleepy face and sat down to draw the OT note where I sort of bullied him in his tired state before he gave up and surrendered the OT form to me (refer previous post).

Among the things that Boss left in OR that day was his laptop in OR 3 where our elective was. So as he was sleeping sitting at the recovery area, I went into OR 3 to get his laptop for him (he said he'll go get it on his way out from OT, but who knows if he will remember) and put it silently beside his sleeping self, mouthing to the recovery nurse that that's his.

Then I went into OR 1 where the scrubbing MO was still in, because I needed to know further details regarding that case to complete the OT note. I was exiting the OR when suddenly Boss's ringtone blasted. Hahaha he left his phone here as well!

It was from my surgeon and I picked it up in a manner similar to how Boss would have answered his phone.

"Hello ada apa boleh saya bantuuu?"

"Atiqah! Mana Boss! Boss kata nak round? Bagi phone pada Boss!"

"Boss takde sini, dia tinggal phone dia dalam OT. Jap saya tinggal dia tidur dekat recovery tadi-" I answered while walking out to go get Boss but he and his laptop weren't there. "Alamak Boss hilang."

"Cari Boss sekarang!"

"Jap tengah cari la ni-" I replied, walking around from the recovery area to the prayer area to the pantry when I saw him walking out from the male changing area looking more refreshed. "Oh tu pun Boss."

I handed the phone to him. "Miss Haz call."

---

Friday we had our annual meeting with JKN Sabah. Miss Haz sat on Boss's right and I sat on his left, at service if he needs anything. Meeting done and we had lunch in our seat. Talked and ate but Boss finished his lunch first. It was fish. I'm a very meticulous fish deboner.

By the time I looked up back to him he was gone and he took his bag with him... but his phone was on the table. Again! He probably went for Friday prayer already and I dropped my cutleries and ran out of the hall to catch him. Where is my Boss!!

I caught him in the elevator. I held it open and dangled up his phone in the air.

"Boss ni apa?"

He stared at his phone. And then he patted his pocket. And then he grinned at me.

Today in OT he was needed for a redo pyeloplasty. He wanted to call Dato our head of service but Dato didn't reply him. Boss put in his loupe and handed me his phone. Then he went in to scrub in.

I should take a secretarial diploma. 

MO paling tak guna

I was writing our elective op note when Boss came out from emergency OT. He sat down, asked for an empty operation note form and said he wanted to draw.

He drew quietly. I finished mine and sat down beside him. He was doodling, scribbling.. I felt like I should relieve him but I didn't say anything.

I expected him to just draw and leave the procedures and orders to us. I then asked Boss where was his incision, so he flipped the paper and started scribbling the procedures.

He wrote and paused, thought out loud. And he wrote some more. His handwriting became more and more sloppy. And I just kept grinning beside him waiting for him to say it.

Then Boss held his head. "Saya mengantuk laaa menulis."

I grinned bigger and took the paper from him. MO paling tak guna hahahahaha.

Let's just have fun

"Nasi bujang."
"Nasi.. apa?"
"Nasi bujang. Nasi dan telur dadar."

I laughed out loud. I felt insulted but not. I like nasi and telur dadar the best anyway. My type of relationship is ignoring Jeremy when I see him at the restaurant but he walks pass me and taps playfully on my phone so I look up, cheerfully go "Hey" as he walks on by and return back to my phone while he returns back to his dinner.

I have commitment issues so a fun flirt is all I can be. Or want to be. Yup.

Atiqah, Atiqah.

Things I Want To Say

I know I usually get bad allergies whenever I go into the woods but that never stops me. And now I have a swollen left dorsum of the hand, not improving on LA hydrocortisone 1% and I took Piriton on dad's advice.

It bothers me because it's a dull ache. I want to complain about it but complaining doesn't help. Who's listening anyway? I should get an IV shot tomorrow morning if it doesn't settle, but it'd be about 48 hours then.

My throat sores. And I started sneezing this AM. Is it because I played in the river yesterday? Is it because it had been hot nowadays and only rained today? Why is my body so weak? Is it because I'm depressed?

Stressed, yes. But am I depressed? What does depression means?

Distract myself? I've a lot to do but I'm not doing any of them. I just don't feel like doing anything, not even work. And I'm the kind who do things because I feel like doing it. Right now.. I'd rather just sleep.

I dyed my hair, got a henna that looks more like a tattoo. Am I crying for attention? But I detest attention. I told Savin I'm not okay but I get annoyed when Savin messaged me asking if he should call me. Am I acting up? What kind of rebel is at the age of 29?

My hand hurts. I want to douse it in ice but I don't have ice.
We have that warm/cold compress thing.
If you put it in the fridge now it'd be ready cm.
I don't have that kind of patience.

I should go for a run.
But not now.

I don't even know what's exactly wrong.
Talking might help?
With whom?
I don't feel like talking anyway.
Luqman will say he hopes you figure this out.
You do that.

My alarm song is BOBBY's Runaway. Probably not a good idea considering the current down mood

Went to Filipino Market to get my jeans tailored. The guy said 30 minutes so I went sight seeing.

Bought a wallet for RM28 that I didn't even haggle for (Ara said I needed a smaller one).

Looked around for some pearl earrings because I felt like trying a dangling earrings for once. None suited my taste.

And I arrived back at the guy. He wasn't done yet, so I perused the night market one more time.

Chatted up with an aunt who said she makes the earrings herself. She had them in pearls and crystals, and the crystals caught my eyes because one is an emerald like the current one I'm wearing commemorating Ryota Miyagi. So I asked her if I can get one half in white crystal and the other half in emerald crystal.

She said okay. "Ada sebab tertentu kah?"

I grinned at her. I didn't want to tell her only my left ear is pierced.

"Anak-anak muda sekarang..." She mumbled and I grinned harder. Paid her RM25.

Next up was one of those 3 for RM10 bracelet. They were yarn bracelets and kinda pretty. So I bought a set of RM10.

That's enough strolling for tonight. I went back to pick up my jeans and passed this stall that had pretty bandanas hanging.

If it's RM5 I'll buy it, I said. I then asked the aunt how much it costs. She said RM5. Hahaha.

If I tell Vicky about this he'll scold me for not scolding people. Luqman is the type to keep things to himself and fuck people off. And I don't want to burden dad.

I try not to vent to people. Because
1) it doesn't change anything
2) I don't want to burden others

But I don't always face my problems anyway, especially when my problem is how I feel about a person, because my feeling is my own. Happiness is a choice. I choose to be bothered, right? No? Anyone?

That being said, this is why I write. Or randomly scream in the car.

There's this one Gynae MO at my workplace who I referred for one of my patients. I feel like he's treating me like his HO when his MMC number is not even differ much from mine. That first time he asked me for Syaza's summary and "proper plan" so I retype everything I've told him in one message and he replied me

"Thanks girl. Good job." And he said he'll discuss with his boss.

I felt he was being condescending. Calling me girl? I'm not your girl. Jeremy our Paeds MO now Paediatrician calls me "my dear" but I don't feel looked down upon because he said so gently. But this guy.. was it his vibe?

But I only replied "Thanks." I'm not here to change people. Writing this, I should have replied him "Thanks man." but that's something I say to my friends and he's not a friend.

Then today he send me a text. "Tomorrow I need this, this, this, this. Thanks."

I want to reply "Can you fucker go see that patient yourself?" but I'm not that kind of person. And here I am venting about it. He should have texted me "Atiqah, tomorrow may I request from you this and this and this?"

I read his message but I'm not gonna reply it. Let's see if I even forget about it tomorrow.

Ennui is the worst

You know that I grew up reading Enid Blyton. I have a whole tall bookcase of Enid Blyton. When I was in elementary school I had this rivalry with Hamizah Abdul Rahman on who has the most Enid Blyton book.. silly kids.

Anyway. There was one series on a family who lives almost nomadically. They go from one caravan to another. Once they're at a farm, then they're at the beach.

When they were at the beach, the siblings met another family staying there. One of the kids were bored. One of them piped up and said something along the line of

"There are so many things to do. Dad said only stupid people are bored because they couldn't find anything to do."

Which brings us to my state today. I got to work listlessly. Did my job with nothing inside. It wasn't bored per se, it's more like... I don't know. Have I lost interest in my job?

The last time I did, I tried to do this audit and that audit to hype myself back again. But this time around I don't feel like doing anything about it. Nothing. I'm still doing my job.. the bare minimum of it.

Do I really need to go dive in some river? It has been so long, for real, but I don't like to think my mood is dictated by such recklessness.

What's wrong with you?