TRO biliary atresia

Had to escort stable babies for ultrasound today because we were understaffed. After almost half hour of waiting I then periodically go in and out of the ultrasound room to check what the MOs were doing. My baby was fasting almost 6 hours now and crying of hunger. I missed round, there's ongoing elective case and we have an interesting emergency case waiting for OT call. I didn't really want to be here.

Tai who was in charge of CT scan saw me waiting since ever and asked "You're still here? Why are you waiting quietly and not scolding my MO?"

After Ezma's FB post yesterday I felt like I should brag about our good rapport with the Radiology haha. Kau dah kenapa Tai suruh aku marah colleague kau?

"I've checked inside, they're finishing."

"I'll go check again," he said. I thanked him.

Immediately after, they called my patient in and Nizam there apologized to me for the wait hahaha see so nice these people. He shouldn't have.

Anyway they scanned my biliary atresia baby and the Visiting Paed Radiologist Prof Rohazli herself came and scanned my baby!

I was holding the baby when she came in (because Radiology is a cold place and babies stop crying when held) and she asked if I'm the mother. The other radiologists laughed and explained I'm the MO. She asked me about the case and I presented to her.

And she taught the important points in scanning for a biliary atresia case. I was grateful to be there because I get to learn and ease them by knowing the case.

Dr Anithaa then asked me how did we do OTC, so I explained to her our procedures (lucky for me I scrubbed my first assisting Kasai last week and thus remember the details). Prof then realized I was the Paed Surgery MO and she asked me if I'm a trainee.

I sheepishly replied I'm not a trainee yet.

Boss forgets his phone when he's preoccupied

Thursday he was covering elective operation while waiting for the emergency case to be called, so he left his phone on the phone rack of OR 3 where we were scrubbed in together. When the emergency case was called to OR 1, he unscrubbed and left me and Miss R.

Suddenly his ringtone blasted (at this point I have memorized everyone's ringtone) and I was like "Alamak Kak Dinah (circulating nurse) tolong angkat tu, phone Boss! Bawakan ke OR 1 please!"

Maka berlari la Kak Dinah ke OR 1. She came back after leaving his phone there.

I finished the elective case and settled my OT notes. Boss exited his OR with a sleepy face and sat down to draw the OT note where I sort of bullied him in his tired state before he gave up and surrendered the OT form to me (refer previous post).

Among the things that Boss left in OR that day was his laptop in OR 3 where our elective was. So as he was sleeping sitting at the recovery area, I went into OR 3 to get his laptop for him (he said he'll go get it on his way out from OT, but who knows if he will remember) and put it silently beside his sleeping self, mouthing to the recovery nurse that that's his.

Then I went into OR 1 where the scrubbing MO was still in, because I needed to know further details regarding that case to complete the OT note. I was exiting the OR when suddenly Boss's ringtone blasted. Hahaha he left his phone here as well!

It was from my surgeon and I picked it up in a manner similar to how Boss would have answered his phone.

"Hello ada apa boleh saya bantuuu?"

"Atiqah! Mana Boss! Boss kata nak round? Bagi phone pada Boss!"

"Boss takde sini, dia tinggal phone dia dalam OT. Jap saya tinggal dia tidur dekat recovery tadi-" I answered while walking out to go get Boss but he and his laptop weren't there. "Alamak Boss hilang."

"Cari Boss sekarang!"

"Jap tengah cari la ni-" I replied, walking around from the recovery area to the prayer area to the pantry when I saw him walking out from the male changing area looking more refreshed. "Oh tu pun Boss."

I handed the phone to him. "Miss Haz call."

---

Friday we had our annual meeting with JKN Sabah. Miss Haz sat on Boss's right and I sat on his left, at service if he needs anything. Meeting done and we had lunch in our seat. Talked and ate but Boss finished his lunch first. It was fish. I'm a very meticulous fish deboner.

By the time I looked up back to him he was gone and he took his bag with him... but his phone was on the table. Again! He probably went for Friday prayer already and I dropped my cutleries and ran out of the hall to catch him. Where is my Boss!!

I caught him in the elevator. I held it open and dangled up his phone in the air.

"Boss ni apa?"

He stared at his phone. And then he patted his pocket. And then he grinned at me.

Today in OT he was needed for a redo pyeloplasty. He wanted to call Dato our head of service but Dato didn't reply him. Boss put in his loupe and handed me his phone. Then he went in to scrub in.

I should take a secretarial diploma. 

MO paling tak guna

I was writing our elective op note when Boss came out from emergency OT. He sat down, asked for an empty operation note form and said he wanted to draw.

He drew quietly. I finished mine and sat down beside him. He was doodling, scribbling.. I felt like I should relieve him but I didn't say anything.

I expected him to just draw and leave the procedures and orders to us. I then asked Boss where was his incision, so he flipped the paper and started scribbling the procedures.

He wrote and paused, thought out loud. And he wrote some more. His handwriting became more and more sloppy. And I just kept grinning beside him waiting for him to say it.

Then Boss held his head. "Saya mengantuk laaa menulis."

I grinned bigger and took the paper from him. MO paling tak guna hahahahaha.

Let's just have fun

"Nasi bujang."
"Nasi.. apa?"
"Nasi bujang. Nasi dan telur dadar."

I laughed out loud. I felt insulted but not. I like nasi and telur dadar the best anyway. My type of relationship is ignoring Jeremy when I see him at the restaurant but he walks pass me and taps playfully on my phone so I look up, cheerfully go "Hey" as he walks on by and return back to my phone while he returns back to his dinner.

I have commitment issues so a fun flirt is all I can be. Or want to be. Yup.

Atiqah, Atiqah.

Things I Want To Say

I know I usually get bad allergies whenever I go into the woods but that never stops me. And now I have a swollen left dorsum of the hand, not improving on LA hydrocortisone 1% and I took Piriton on dad's advice.

It bothers me because it's a dull ache. I want to complain about it but complaining doesn't help. Who's listening anyway? I should get an IV shot tomorrow morning if it doesn't settle, but it'd be about 48 hours then.

My throat sores. And I started sneezing this AM. Is it because I played in the river yesterday? Is it because it had been hot nowadays and only rained today? Why is my body so weak? Is it because I'm depressed?

Stressed, yes. But am I depressed? What does depression means?

Distract myself? I've a lot to do but I'm not doing any of them. I just don't feel like doing anything, not even work. And I'm the kind who do things because I feel like doing it. Right now.. I'd rather just sleep.

I dyed my hair, got a henna that looks more like a tattoo. Am I crying for attention? But I detest attention. I told Savin I'm not okay but I get annoyed when Savin messaged me asking if he should call me. Am I acting up? What kind of rebel is at the age of 29?

My hand hurts. I want to douse it in ice but I don't have ice.
We have that warm/cold compress thing.
If you put it in the fridge now it'd be ready cm.
I don't have that kind of patience.

I should go for a run.
But not now.

I don't even know what's exactly wrong.
Talking might help?
With whom?
I don't feel like talking anyway.
Luqman will say he hopes you figure this out.
You do that.

My alarm song is BOBBY's Runaway. Probably not a good idea considering the current down mood

Went to Filipino Market to get my jeans tailored. The guy said 30 minutes so I went sight seeing.

Bought a wallet for RM28 that I didn't even haggle for (Ara said I needed a smaller one).

Looked around for some pearl earrings because I felt like trying a dangling earrings for once. None suited my taste.

And I arrived back at the guy. He wasn't done yet, so I perused the night market one more time.

Chatted up with an aunt who said she makes the earrings herself. She had them in pearls and crystals, and the crystals caught my eyes because one is an emerald like the current one I'm wearing commemorating Ryota Miyagi. So I asked her if I can get one half in white crystal and the other half in emerald crystal.

She said okay. "Ada sebab tertentu kah?"

I grinned at her. I didn't want to tell her only my left ear is pierced.

"Anak-anak muda sekarang..." She mumbled and I grinned harder. Paid her RM25.

Next up was one of those 3 for RM10 bracelet. They were yarn bracelets and kinda pretty. So I bought a set of RM10.

That's enough strolling for tonight. I went back to pick up my jeans and passed this stall that had pretty bandanas hanging.

If it's RM5 I'll buy it, I said. I then asked the aunt how much it costs. She said RM5. Hahaha.

If I tell Vicky about this he'll scold me for not scolding people. Luqman is the type to keep things to himself and fuck people off. And I don't want to burden dad.

I try not to vent to people. Because
1) it doesn't change anything
2) I don't want to burden others

But I don't always face my problems anyway, especially when my problem is how I feel about a person, because my feeling is my own. Happiness is a choice. I choose to be bothered, right? No? Anyone?

That being said, this is why I write. Or randomly scream in the car.

There's this one Gynae MO at my workplace who I referred for one of my patients. I feel like he's treating me like his HO when his MMC number is not even differ much from mine. That first time he asked me for Syaza's summary and "proper plan" so I retype everything I've told him in one message and he replied me

"Thanks girl. Good job." And he said he'll discuss with his boss.

I felt he was being condescending. Calling me girl? I'm not your girl. Jeremy our Paeds MO now Paediatrician calls me "my dear" but I don't feel looked down upon because he said so gently. But this guy.. was it his vibe?

But I only replied "Thanks." I'm not here to change people. Writing this, I should have replied him "Thanks man." but that's something I say to my friends and he's not a friend.

Then today he send me a text. "Tomorrow I need this, this, this, this. Thanks."

I want to reply "Can you fucker go see that patient yourself?" but I'm not that kind of person. And here I am venting about it. He should have texted me "Atiqah, tomorrow may I request from you this and this and this?"

I read his message but I'm not gonna reply it. Let's see if I even forget about it tomorrow.

Ennui is the worst

You know that I grew up reading Enid Blyton. I have a whole tall bookcase of Enid Blyton. When I was in elementary school I had this rivalry with Hamizah Abdul Rahman on who has the most Enid Blyton book.. silly kids.

Anyway. There was one series on a family who lives almost nomadically. They go from one caravan to another. Once they're at a farm, then they're at the beach.

When they were at the beach, the siblings met another family staying there. One of the kids were bored. One of them piped up and said something along the line of

"There are so many things to do. Dad said only stupid people are bored because they couldn't find anything to do."

Which brings us to my state today. I got to work listlessly. Did my job with nothing inside. It wasn't bored per se, it's more like... I don't know. Have I lost interest in my job?

The last time I did, I tried to do this audit and that audit to hype myself back again. But this time around I don't feel like doing anything about it. Nothing. I'm still doing my job.. the bare minimum of it.

Do I really need to go dive in some river? It has been so long, for real, but I don't like to think my mood is dictated by such recklessness.

What's wrong with you?

My wedding song will definitely be Rachael Yamagata - Something In The Rain

I'm three episodes left to finish Something In The Rain. The latest episodes are giving me heartbreak after heartbreak and I can't wait for the happy ending I googled I am getting. Was going to watch the next episode but it's an hour half long and it's 1.30am already.

Ten years ago we wouldn't care.
Haha. Getting old.

Anyway. The series made me think a lot.

How true love and romance don't definitely exist, and I still believe in my distorted "different shades of love", but watching them made me feel... happy and warm. Yup. I should fall in love too.

How I'll tell him he doesn't need to tell me everything, just let's not lie to each other.

How would I deal with it if my parents disapprove of who I'm dating.

The 13th episode's ending. If I were Jin-a I'll remember by now what kills Jun-hui the most is when she's not figuratively by his side. She shouldn't break up with him just because she didn't want her mother to hurt him with words. Her breaking up with him is what hurt him the most.

But who knows. Her mother softens when she wins. Maybe she'll see how ruined her child is afterwards and realise what a prick she is. God, the mother is the most realistic prick of a parent ever.

If I'm ever put in that position, I'll honour my parents request no matter how it kills me to do so, because one cannot live without parental blessings. But I'll stay away from home, drown myself in work, probably distract myself with reckless activities secretly hoping an early death. And I'll remain celibate the rest of my life.

Or take up some vice, a very bad habit that isn't haram. Smoking? That's haram though. And I can't handle strong smell, nice smell or not.
...
I can't think of anything.
Dramatic.
Yeah. Best to have a plan now.

Stop hurting people. We shouldn't hurt people's feelings.

probably because i can get it done faster myself

Medical referred us a 7 months old TRO intussusception. The HO kindly wrote up the USG form and told me he'll request it urgently but I stopped him.

Me: Takpe saya request sendiri.

HO very happily: Oh okay terima kasih boss.

He has to follow his passover round and all, but most importantly he's the Medical HO, not ours. I went down to Radio with the patient's AXR. Smiled my "I want something from you" smile at the Radio MO and presented my case. Short, concisely. Not even a minute presenting. Radio team asked me to send the patient down immediately.

Me: Tak nak tengok AXR dia pun?

Radio MO: Tak payah la. Surgery kata intus kan.

That's why siapa yang nak something, dia yang minta for it. And yeah, kid's an intus patient.

Pretty Noonas

I only had two bananas and coffee for breakfast and then a yogurt for lunch. By 11pm I was too famished to continue my work.

I went out for dinner. Went to my usual place. And saw Ahmad my uni junior who's a houseman with Paeds Medical finishing his dinner alone. I ordered my takeaway and sat at his table.

Kid looked like he had a long day. We talked a bit. He then pushed his half eaten grilled chicken to me.

Don't mind if I do. I took out a fork and helped myself. My takeaway was ready but I was still munching on fatty chicken. Another, and another.

"I need to eat a proper meal." I put down my fork and took out 10 ringgit to pay my meal. "Thanks Ahmad. Next time saya belanja."

"Nak belanja sekarang pun boleh, tak bayar lagi."

"Oh okay." I walked to the counter.

"Kalau nak la, tak paksa." He was watching the TV and sipping his drinks.

"Saya bayar untuk meja tu sekali." I told the cashier.

"Abang tu makan 17 ringgit."

"Banyaknya dia makaaan." I turned around to diss him but he was still watching the news.

"Memang banyak. Sayap pun dia makan. Cik punya 6.50 ringgit."

Remember that time Seungri advised Jiyong to ask for the bill first instead of offering his card to pay and complain the next day about how overpriced he thinks the bill is? We need to heed that advice as well.

"You broke up over a broken mug?" "Just symbolic. There was nothing between us in the first place."

I watched silently as the picture frame tilted and pushed my coffee mug down from the shelf. It broke into tiny pieces and I just watched silently.

A bit annoyed that it broke in the morning rush for work. A bit thankful that it happened as I finished showering thus haven't made coffee yet. Mopping the carpet in the morning was a surefire way to get my day soured up.

It wasn't just a mug. It was the mug I initially bought for my crush when I went away. I remembered mulling over what to buy and actually asked my company what he thought would be good for a guy. My company pointed out this and that which I rejected, before he pointed to a row of mug and said

"Cinta tak perlu mahal."

It was so corny I laughed out loud and bought the mug in the design of the place I knew my crush likes the most. I later asked my crush what he wanted and got that for him instead, and I kept the mug for myself. A token of the days when I actually was brazen.

Back to today. The mug was unsalvageable. As I picked the pieces up I thought this might be divine intervention. Being my fickle self I somewhat lost interest in him since the past three months or so, maybe the mug shattering was a sign that it's really a clean cut.

Now I need to buy a new mug.

I want to title this as "fxxk it saga" but I shouldn't curse

But you know what. I don't not do something because I got scolded for doing it. I don't do something because:

1) it's the wrong thing to do.
2) I don't feel like doing it.
3) it's not fun.

And I'm not scared of people. I'm not ever scared of people. I just need to find a more tactful way of doing things.

I'm too old to act spoiled

At the end of the day, our problem revolves around poor communication. And then there's me, a naive kid trying to help promote communication by being in the middle of it. Of course I get shot at.

"Whoever wants it should ask for it herself. You don't get involved. It's not nice."

"But she involved me in this."

"You just say you're scared to talk or something. This is my sincere advice. It might happen again in the future that's why I'm telling you. Up to you to listen or not."

"Okay. Thank you."

I admit I'm naive. I'm just trying to help. If I'm wiser and more tactful maybe I could do a better job. Will this dampen my spirit? I don't know, but it does make me think. Should I have consulted wiser beings before doing what I did? I don't know, who should I run to? My dad? Luqman? Vicky? Sounds like what a kid will do though. I don't know.

One of these days I'd probably quit and just live my life quietly. Literally quietly. But I like my Boss and feel sorry for him, that's why I'm trying to help. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should leave when he's retired.

Nowadays I'm keeping to myself a lot and taken taciturn to a notch. I was driving with Chung today after the incident and I really needed a soundboard and Chung was there so he knew about the incident (except the phonecall after that) and I know he is wise. But I just kept silent and drove, periodically making conversation regarding work matters. Why didn't I talk to him about it? I'm too stubborn? I don't trust him? I don't want to spread a net and talk to just anyone?

If it was Vicky, he'd definitely knew something was wrong and pry. If it was Luqman, he'd talk about something in a roundabout manner until I open up.

Effa said I make "muka masam" everyday at work. I didn't think they notice but I guess they do. They just don't care. I apologized to her for my inability to fake a smile.

Effa said I'm too nice that it's stressing me out. I agreed with her. So the question is, why am I so nice?

Is it because I'm trying to be fair? Or in a narcissistic way, be seen as someone who is fair? To whom? What's the definition of fair? No one cares about fairness, they just want what's good for them, is all. I'm definitely not being fair to myself trying to accommodate everyone.

I should quit, shouldn't I? It's been so long since I last jumped into the river.