One time I walked home from the mall which was an hour in the drizzle because I couldn't bring myself to call anyone

Are you working tomorrow?
Yeah.
What time?
I punch in at 8.
What that means?
Means I work per usual, 8-5.
I need a favour.
What.
I have an early flight to catch.
What time.
It's at 6.45, so I need to be there by-
You need me to pick you up at what time?
6.10?
Okay see you then.
You don't mind?
I don't.
Not too early for you?
Not.
Sure?
I'm awake before Subuh. Esok puasa.
I thought you wake up at 7?
Hahahaha. I wondered if I've told that before.
So I'll see you tomorrow.
See you.

Otai

Patient CSE, ongoing OT. Stable so far. Abelong bangun dari takhtanya di bawah Baby Warmer.

"Tinggal deh." I nodded. Abelong beredar.

Lama pastu Abelong muncul dengan semerbak asap. Ah, aku agak dah pokcik ni pergi Respi round hahahaha.

Ortho HRPZ is where I was happiest most as a houseman

The other day I was in OT and there were the current Spine team; Poknik, Abe Haji, Dr. Faris, the sekejap menjenguk Pokpa. Big bros were happy and amiable as ways and made comment about how I was specless in OT and then a jab at our Raya photo.

"Atiqah nampak sediih je duduk jauh dari ayah." Abe Haji said to which I retorted back hahaha apsal diorang ingat aku ni anak bapak ke.

"Haa lah dah la gambar tahun lepas muka monyok amik malam raya kena kejut bangun. Tahun ni amik pukul berapa gambar raya?" Poknik said.

Hahahah bengong la Poknik ingat. I really pray they will always be happy, healthy and successful for all the fun memories I have of them. Ameen.

PMS is a diagnosis of exclusion

"Awak kaku dengan saya je ke atau awak memang jenis kaku? Sebab nampak tak tally..."

I guess she meant how some other MOs are saying I'm good and reliable, like abelong has been saying around. It backfired. I hate it but I guess that's what expectations is.

"Tak nampak proactive. Bagi saya tu dah malas."

"Awak kan nak amik Surgery."

"People are going to keep saying that to you because you made it clear you wanted to take Surgery, but your attitude doesn't show it."

Surgery mengecewakan aku sebab sehari sebelum Dr. Murni kata ada patient diabetic dah panggil ke OT ketosis dekat airlock rupanya NBM semalaman TAKDE IVD PUN

Anaes HO ni akan double shift seminggu sekali di mana masuk kerja 8am hingga 5pm lepastu punch in semula 9pm sampai la 1pm the next day. And semalam double shift langsung tak tidur.

Lepas tu masa passover tetiba Kak Ann call tanya apa status op patient laparotomy diorang dan kenapa pulak nak optimise lagi ape lagi tak optimise. Kak Ann called using her phone to my phone and saya buat muka "save me" to my MO Dr. Kimi sebab Kak Ann is my Surgical registrar but I'm the Anaes HO. Call la my MO they are more authorised to indulge on patient's management. Ke dia ingat aku ni MO Anaes sebab malam tadi pakai scrub biru tua macam MO?

Nasib baik je Dr. Azwani pagi tu tetiba masuk bilik passover and mention pasal kes makcik tu so tahu la ape plan bos untuk kes tu. Haihh.

Passover sejam sebab patient ramai sangat. Kak Nik oncall tanya Kimichan "sempat tidur ke semalam?" and Kimi said "sempat la tidur sekejap2" and aku tergelak.

Untunglaa sempat tidur. Aku straight kerja malam tadi hahahaha turun naik Red Zone berjujuk kes Medical-Surgical-Ortho and Dr. Kimi turun Red masa aku dah siap clerk and tinggal dia present ke bos je. Sampai aku dah berkawan dah dengan Dr. Syurahbil abangnya si Nanim anak Prof Halim, gaduh dengan Amru yang macam nak katok aku je, Dr. Fakhrullah siap document "okay HO Anaes Atiqah noted" and MO Red Zone tu tanya "mana bos awak eh".

Aku pun menggeliat dan jawab "saya la bos malam ni" bwahaha bengong la HO ni.

Tapi takpe Dr. Kimi baik and semalam AEBA secondary to URTI, dia batuk teruk and amik MDI 2hourly and kena Neb x1 so he should have rested anyway.

Kitorang pun bangun nak sambung round pukul 9am tu. MO oncall, HO AM dan me HO post double. As a good human I appreciated my MO for last night.

"Thank you Dr. Kimi."

"Eh terima kasih banyak banyak banyak tau."

Ya I know I so made your life easier last night hahahahaha. Kbye nak sambung kerja sampai pukul 1pm pulak sobs.

Round aku takde la excited nak present sangat sebab passover dah present. Tapi pukul 11 gitu specialist Dr. Jem baru setel urusan OT dan RESTART ROUMD OMG and Kak Nik pulak kena pergi set ventilator pakcik new case yang tetiba difficult ventilation.

"Takpe akak round dengan adik2 ni." Which were Fatimah HO Anaes Day 2 of life and I, so obviously aku la yang kena present kes. Aku pun ape lagi.

"Okay pakcik ni 77 years old underlying bla3" Aku present semua kes yang ada. Hahahaha sebab aku dah penat and this is compensatory hyperactivity prior to passing out and sebab aku tahu kes and can make round more efficient with shorter duration.

By right balik pukul 1pm harini tapi aku tak tidur langsung ni boleh ke excusekan awal nak pengsan dah. Tapi Kak Jem macam tahu je ape yang bermain di fikiran patik dan beliau berkata

"Harini adik ni kena ikut round sampai habis, nak jadi surgeon kan kena la biasa berdiri lama."

Ahahahahahaha SAPE YANG NAK JADI SURGEON NI WOI KENAPA KAU BUKAN NAK JADI SURIRUMAH JE

Okay by the time dah round 34 daripada 38 patient, masa tu dah 1.30 dah, Kak Jem pun kata

"Akak rasa adik ni dah boleh balik dah."

Aku terdiam sesaat sebab 2 daripada baki 4 patient ni adalah new case yang aku clerk malam tadi and kalau aku present round akan jadi cepat dan pantas, TAPI SPECIALIST BAGI BALIK NI WOI KAU TUNGGU APE LAGIIIIII

"Terima kasih Dr. Jamaliah, terima kasih Kak Nik." And aku pun melarikan diri untuk punch out, solat Zohor, tidur di bilik oncall tiga jam pastu baru bangun untuk Asar dan balik.

"I don't need protection. I only need loyalty."

I wrote once during my third posting in Ortho I had a beef with one of the Anaes MO. The next encounter I had with her was my last oncall in O&G where I was oncall OT and she happened to be the Anaes oncall OT Zamrud that time.

We had a fetal distress and I diluted the antibiotics. It was co-amoxiclavulonic acid popularly known as Augmentin but the one our hospital used was the generic trade named Clavam. I then labelled it as IV Co-amoxiclav 1.2g in 20cc and scrubbed in.

Suddenly she screamed. "Sape dilute antibiotics ni?!!"

Me putting on my glove. "Saya. Kenapa."

"Awak dilute ape ni??"

"IV Co-amoxiclav."

"Awak tahu tak benda ni Augmentin??"

"Tahu."

"Habis tu kenapa awak tak label je Augmentin??"

Wtf why should I? Augmentin tu trade name and kita bukan guna Augmentin pun. I frowned and opened my mouth to fire back "Se-"

"Kenapa awak marah HO saya? Tak boleh ke awak cakap baik-baik??"

I stared at my MO who backed me up. Wow. Dr. Amin. Did I hear that right?

"Buat la kerja betul-betul. Fetal distress kan ni." She drawled.

"Communicate je la baik-baik."

I shut up and let those two to it. It was a Saturday and I was going to report duty to Anaes that Tuesday and I kept on thinking should I really go through with what I want and suffer among uncivilized people or should I change to ED and live happily among friends.

I seriously thought about it. But I stuck with Anaes because jerks are anywhere anyway, they shouldn't be my reasoning.

I'm always a fan of fatherliness

The other day I was post double then went to Anggerik cause there was a choledochal cyst case and I want to palpate the abdomen. But I didn't get to cause baby was feeding and later went cranky. She'll puke if I palpate her so I went and borak with Matron Kak Ti.

She asked me if I really want to do Paed Surgery. I said yes.

Then I should get "Abang Luqman" to hold on to me.

I don't need Abang Luqman to hold on to me, I have Mr. Tar for that.

So "tok ayah" knows already?

I laughed. Sure tok ayah knows, tok ayah never let me off his sight since I graduated Surgery.

Today I was PM Outside and saw our boss went to YZ because he has a fever. He absconded (like they can deny an intensivist who wants to treat himself in the comfort of his home) and I realized my boss is so cute. Fatherly cute. He very much reminds me of my dad since I first followed his round. But I'm not sure if he'll appreciate it if he knows I think he's so cute though.

Anyway. If Mr. Tar is my tok ayah then Dr. Wan Nas is my ayahanda.

Are we doing this or not? Because I have things to do.

Is posting a cry for attention? It feels like it. Why would I crave human attention? Is God not enough? Am I not self sufficient?

I think a timeout into the woods is in need.

You have to make your life easier

I was oncall last night and one patient was noted to have hemiparesis after we off her sedation. During oncall round last night, we planned to do a CT brain for her the next morning. So as the HO oncall, after round that night I wrote up her CT brain request form and put it on her cardiac table awaiting round with Intensivist the next morning so he can sign it straight away and I can straight away request it after round.

So we had our morning round. My MO presented the case and progress. I held the form in my hands. Then as soon as boss said "for CT brain today", I handed him the form to sign.

Boss Nazri: Ni apa?
Me: CT brain.

Boss grinned so wide and my MOs gushed. "Wow. Excellent!"

Kak Ella my MO who was oncall last night grinned proud "Atiqah awak buat siap dah?"

I shrugged. I was just making my work easier.

Boss then signed: Awak nanti stay Anaes kan?
Abenik: Dia memang saya book stay Anaes dah. Saya tak tahu sape lepas dia pergi Basic Surgical Skill Course haritu.

One of the ways of being grateful for the things they have taught me is to make them feel good about themselves, but I'm not going to lie about anything.

"InshaAllah saya akan buat yang terbaik di mana saya berada."

Boss Nazri laughed some more. "Jawapan dia tuu."

Abang long kawasan

My Intensivist is a brutal but polite man and today I learned he has a sharp ear to go with. We ended our morning round and being the only HO around, he told me to tag with one of the oncall MOs while walking away.

"Atiqah nanti you duduk dengan Firdaus ye."

But I rather not and casually replied "Nak tag dengan abelong."

I wasn't even adressing boss and I didn't expect him to catch that. But he did and he laughed and told Dr. Idzham I called him abelong. I was a bit flabbergasted but never mind, that's what we're calling him anyway hahaha.

Anyway, I rather tagged with abelong because my first day in ICU I tagged with him as he was the senior most of all the seniors in ICU that day. Our Intensivist was the one who dubbed the three seniors as "abelong, kakngah, adik su" and said adik su announced that day that I was "under follow up abelong."

On a side note, adik su is the firmest with HOs. I'm waiting for the chance to call him adik su in the face but I'm sure I won't get away forgiven ahh but who cares.

If you cannot present, you are a useless sixth poster

Today I feared for my life as I realised here in the ICU, no one is going to really teach me unless I am proactive to learn. I have to ask. I have to offer myself to do things. They don't even call me to do stuffs like clerk cases or do procedures when a new case arrive because they're so independent, they don't need HOs.

I realised I have to set my own target what I want to achieve during my posting in the ICU, otherwise I'm going to float away in this life as a mere clerk. This is so adult.

But never mind, let's sleep and worry tomorrow.

Tidur la anak

Last night I had a nightmare. Luqman told me off for having much free time in Anaes but I didn't use it to study. He said "baik takyah duduk Anaes."

First - why Luqman of all people. I haven't seen him in a long while and the last time I ran into him at the parking lot he greeted me but I breezed through cause I was late and later I greeted him doing review in ICU he barely looked up cause he was busy. Ahh. I felt like he was on payback.

If it's the people I miss... He's not one of them. Thus it's a nightmare.

Second - God I must study.

Third - I'm actually oncall tonight. I should sleep while I could. I brushed my teeth but I'm hungry dumdidum. Actually I'm hyped excited cause I just realised my schedule next week has a postcall-off-PM and that amounts to almost two days off work weeeeeehu what should I do where should I go hahaha can I go on a small trip away alone? But I need a solid plan! Let's get away Haru!

Complete

Last night I intubated a patient single attempt in front of Dr. Hidayah. I was so proud of myself but she was unimpressed. Hahahahaha.

My life in Anaes is complete.

Bro nak duit

I have this bad habit of not carrying cash around and it's troubling when I need to buy food. What I will do is grab any nearest colleague, most of time guys, and go "Bro, nak RM x."

They will usually say things like "wow selamba pow" while fishing out money from their wallet, then I'll walk away to go buy food for me.

Today I wanted che mek molek but I didn't have RM 1 with me. I turned around and saw a couple of girl colleagues with one guy walking behind them. As expected I went up to Aflah and said "Aflah nak singgit." with my arm out.

Aflah mumbled he didn't have RM 1 while fishing out his wallet so he gave me RM 5 that he had. I forgot did I thank him or not but I remember these encounters will usually have me grinning smugly. I then left him for the che mek molek stall but someone called me from behind. I turned around and it was a group of my MOs.

Kak Syazwani grinned at me. "Awak pow Aflah ape pagi2?"

"Saya nak beli che mek takde duit so saya minta dengan Aflah" I replied like it was the most natural thing to do.

She laughed at me. "Macam anak minta duit dengan bapak."

But then the stall sold out their che mek so I went away hungry. I only wanted che mek.

Btw I owe Aflah RM 5.
Faiz RM 10.
Countless time the guys and girls treated me to lunch.