Today I was feeling tense. I went through my job passively. I wasn't my jovial menjawab self. I got through half of the morning by reminding myself of Abengoh telling me to "bertenang, tarik nafas" and Nash teeling to "senyum sikit".
After round I went to the hospimart to find something to soothe me down and saw Shikun. I told her I was feeling tense unsure why. Most probably hormonal. I asked her what was in the fridge that could soothe me, something not sweet. She directed me to what she was buying, a lemon flavoured water. I took her advice and went out of the store with straw in my mouth.
In front of the lift I saw Abengoh Azrul as I like to refer to him on social media. Beside him was a houseman. I held my hand up in greeting but my expression remained passive.
"Postcall ke? Jap.. kau bukan postcall." He calculated.
"Tak saya tak postcall." We were oncall together on Saturday. Yesterday he sent me a message that left me speechless, well actually I read his message in between sleeping and has not really double read it let alone answer it with my sharp persona.
My lift arrived and I entered.
I went to get my bag in Dahlia. I was covering periphery patients today and my job was done so I should go help out in the ward. But I didn't feel like doing anything. I told Atik who was doing discharge in the room where I kept my bag of my ethical dilemma and like every other guy, Atik heard me out because he was there and I was blabbering. I checked my message and there was a new patient admitted to Anggerik from clinic. That's mine. I told Atik thanks for listening. He said I should treat him to something as thanks. I took out the KitKat I gathered while cleaning up the ward during my oncall the day before and gave it to him.
I settled my Anggerik patient and went to the clinic to trace his xray myself because round will be at 2.45pm and I don't know if the staff will get the xray in ward by then. If you want things done, do it yourself. On my way out of the deserted clinic, I passed a patient walking in with his wife and overheard what he was saying to his wife. Suddenly a happy Mr. Anwar called me from behind. I turned to address him.
"Did you hear what that patient was saying?"
"He said "datang klinik petang sikit la takde orang"."
Mr. Anwar chuckled. "But he didn't know clinic is closed petang."
Haha ngenak molek bos. I grinned and we went our separate ways. I went back to Anggerik with the xray and left it there before going to the ward for our preop round.
Mr. Sanusi was taking history and the MOs beside me chatted with me.
Dr. Irwan: Atiqah jap lagi awak examine deh.
Me: Eh tak nak.
Dr. Irwan: Full knee examination ye.
Me: Susah. Saya tak reti-reti lagi.
Dr. Ashraf: Awak nak amik Basic Science kan, kena la.
Dr. Irwan: Bukan Basic Science. MRCS ni.
Dr. Ashraf: Ha lagi la kena.
On another day because aku tak reti la aku akan nak buat kalau bos offer, tapi aku takde mood harini, tak boleh nak layan. "Not today doctor." Mane diorang tahu aku nak amik MRCS? Aihh ke habis semua dah tahu? Kuatnya MO gosip.
Dr. Irwan: Okay Sabtu ni awak examine.
Me: Okay Sabtu.
Boss Sanusi asked to start examining there and Dr. Lana suggested to move to the procedure room because we were standing beside the main door of the ward. Dr. Ashraf and Dr. Irwan sniggered beside me.
Dr. Irwan joked: Bos kata examine situ examine je la situ. Ape la Lana ni.
Dr. Ashraf: Boss is always right.
Dr. Irwan: Kan Atiqah? Dr. Hanifah mesti pernah kata camtu kan.
I thought about Surgery and Mr. Zuraimi. "Saya pernah dengar "boss is always right" tapi ayah saya tak pernah kata macam tu dekat saya."
Dr. Ashraf: Ye? Ayah awak pernah oyak gitu ke saya.
Me: Okay nanti saya tanya dia.
Dr. Irwan: Haha jadi menantu Dr. Hanifah dah la.
I don't know what Dr. Irwan meant by that but I don't joke about food and marriage. So I didn't reply him and silently observe Dr. Fakhri examining the patient. Ten minutes later as we were examining the patient, I remembered Saturday I'm off. Wahaha. I chuckled silently.
Round ended and Dr. Lana and I went to Anggerik to see the earlier patient. She was her strict perfectionist self as usual and I took her at face value as usual. She reminded me to inform OT with full knowledge of the patient's history of childhood asthma and told the story of one time some HO did not mention the medical issues of a person going for emergency OT. This sounded familiar. Then she stopped midway and asked
"Saya tak tahu awak atau orang lain, tapi kita ada berapa Atiqah?"
"Dua," I answered curtly.
Actually it was during her oncall day and I knew this case because my name got brought up by that Dayah Anaes. The HO who informed the two problematic cases was in a different team (HOs only inform cases for their respective team) than mine and her name was not even Atiqah, the anaes people heard her name wrong when they received that case. When problem arose they searched for the name of the informing HO and Dayah immediately said in OT "Atiqah? Atiqah yang suka putar belit tu ke?"
That night the HO oncall live updated the story to us and I was flattered she think I was the only Atiqah around, not. She was behaving simple mindedly, not the type of person I'm interested in.
Nevertheless I looked Dr. Lana in the eye as she reminded us of that case. Then she dismissed us and I thanked her. She's not friendly but to me she's not bad. I've heard her been mean to some HOs and because of that I will not be doing any personal favours for her, but professionally I have no problem with her. Imperturbability is something I must master since I am becoming a surgeon.
Then I saw Luqman and for the first time I sighed heavily in front of someone and said what I needed most today.
"Say something uplifting please."
"The cat you ran over is in heaven right now."
I sighed a laugh and cursed him. "Damn you." He was referring to when recently him, Dr. Mustaq and I went to a cafe after work and I ran over a cat while speeding in the city. They laughed to make me feel better of the situation but I remember clearly muttering "stupid brothers of mine."
Anyway death is physiological and I was not affected by that. He said something about he was serious about the poor cat but nevermind I gave up listening to him. Sometimes when I need Luqman to be thoughtful, he never really hit the spot. Why did I think he could read my mind just because I think of him as a brother? So I ditched him without a word and went to finish my work.
Afterwards I needed something to physically calm me down so I head to the hospimart again, mumbling to myself all the way. I stumbled across one smiling Poknik with his backpack on the way heading for his fast round at the ward. I smiled at him.
"Hai."
Yesterday I saw him at the clinic and I hi-ed him as well. I made it a point to always hi Poknik because last Tuesday I was clinic duty in JRU Clinic and I didn't respond to Poknik when he was making comments to me. Afterwards I felt bad.
"Nak pergi mane?" He asked.
"Nak menyejukkan diri."
"Mana?"
"Kedai." I've already walked past him and made hand gestures towards the hospimart. I went inside and bought a bottle of cold water. As usual I left the store with straw in my mouth. I took the lift and passed Poknik talking to some visiting patients in the hallway. I grinned at him with straw in my mouth. Poknik is that type of doctor people will remember.
I went inside the ward and sat on the counter. I like sitting on the counter instead of properly sit on the chair and will usually do so unless someone pointed I was being impolite. Poknik was doing his fast round and after he was done, he taught us how to read a knee xray.
Later I went down to Anggerik before punching out and met Izzah at the praying room. I told her I was tensed the whole day. She said no wonder I was quiet and have not been bothering her life today. I laughed at her. Then she said to listen to Quran recitation since I cannot recite myself.
My eyes teared a bit.
