cactus and commitment

I'm trying to get myself to commit again (again? Were we ever committed?) so I'm practicing on my cactus.

When Arif went for Kinabalu conquer he stopped at the tamu and asked me if I wanted vegetables from Kundasang. I was too lazy to cook so I asked him to get me a cactus and it lived with him for a while because I forgot to pick it up. By the time I took it, it has.. what's the term? Flourished? There were several plantings off it (is that what you call it?). 

This is how it is by the time I got it from Arif. 

It lived well with me and grew taller albeit disproportionate, imagine thick lower segments and thin upper segments. It thrived on my table beside the window and I water it a cap of water every time I could remember, like every 3 days or 4.

And then I moved back to Likas and it was on the floor of the passenger seat. I had the car filled with all my stuff. I had some water bottle placed unsecurely on the seat and when I drove, the bottle rolled and slammed right onto the cactus.

Stupid Atiqah. I can't do anything about this idiot. 

It was crushed. Every day I looked at it and it's smashed. I felt like throwing it into the trash and buy a new one but I can't just throw it and start over. 

First, someone gave it to me. 

Second, it's a cactus. Immobile. What little attention does it need? All you needed to do was to keep it safe and you went and got a bottle smashed right into it. If you can't even keep a cactus alive what about moving pets like a cat? What about career progression? What about a family? What about dreams? 

I got to Kundasang and I debated over getting some more cactus. I should not and just focus on keeping this one alive first. But I went to the tamu anyway to get some losun and there weren't many people around and I felt responsible to help the economy. 

I ended with four new cacti worth RM70 and this time I made sure to place them securely in the car. No water bottles unsecured. 

Today I repotted Cactus Number 1, with the plantings separated I hope it will make it. 

Ah shit. It looks bad. Like an overcooked spinach. I can't even keep it standing. Why Atiqah whyyyyy someone gave it! It should be important for you to value but you went and argh your stupidity is unparalleled! 

If it dies I guess I'm just not cut out for commitment, aye? Can't even keep a cactus alive what more a dream. I'm gonna go celibate and live off some super remote rural clinic. 

to the idiot that i love

Dear Atiqah,

You're an idiot with a high sense of responsibility. That translates to you repeatedly doing stupid things but doing so safely.

I can't do anything about your need to go into forests and jungles (nor do I even understand, I think a therapist is in need) even when you're alone, but going for night walks alone at 10pm?

It's a jungle and it's too dark and you're alone. What makes you think it was a good idea, I don't know. It is not. Please don't ever walk off alone in the jungle at night. This is a jungle. You'll get taken by the unseen and mom will die from heartbreak. Don't do that to her. 

We didn't survive all these years of solo night walk in the city and abroad without that small alarm of danger. It took us what, 2 minutes walking in the dead of night to turn back? Shouldn't have even left the room, you know. 

I'll stop nagging now. 

It's okay to miss a starry night in Sandakan on camera. We missed the best starry night in Tabin but we'll always have it pictured in our brain. Also we'll go to Tabin again.

Let's wake up early for morning walk cm, yeah?

girls night

I planned to ciao out from Lahad Datu today but lucky me I lambat siap logbook and only tomorrow can I show it to Miss Doon. So tonight I'm still here, and had my last dinner in Lahad Datu with the girls. 

With gossip for dessert. As always. 

"Sesuai dah tu, sama2 Kelantan." Laila said. 

"Tak boleh," I shook my head and wanted to say incest. But really. "Lelaki Kelantan ni playboy dia lain macam."

"Setuju!" She high-fived me. 

"Tapi aku lagi playgirl dari dia." As a matter of fact. 

"..." Laila glared at me. "Ya aku nampak."

mencari buaya di kinabatangan

I went to get my hair trimmed. They offered hair wash and although I just washed my hair, why not. I've the money to help this small economy. The scalp massage was good. 

"Kau orang Bugis kah?"

Usually I say I'm a Bugis (am actually half Minang, quarter Bugis, quarter Jawa) from Kota Belud (Kota Bharu, KB, same difference), but

"Tak, aku Melayu dari Semenanjung."

"Ooh. Kau belajar kah di sini?"

Those words put the biggest grin on my face. Lately I've been feeling old, so old and tired. Glad some things didn't change.

---

Our rooms were the farthest away and I'm glad I didn't have to tell them to wait for me to walk to reception. (It was dark and we're in the woods and I'm kinda a tiny bit chicken.) Arif is a gentleman, he does look out for me. My arm was swollen because I got stung by a wasp and Arif texted me to remind me to go get ice from the receptionist. 

I asked them if they have ice. They don't. I asked if their first aid kit has got any hydrocortisone cream or Piriton and the receptionist showed me their first aid kit. 

While I was rummaging the kit she asked me if I work at the hospital, I affirmed. She then asked for suggestions what else to top up their first aid kit. I then made a list. 

Arif came (they were lounging upstairs in the hammock) and rummaged through their prescription. I asked him to counter check my list. He nodded, not adding anything else. Then he pulled out Cetirizine and gave it to me. 

Makan ni. 

What is this. I'm not familiar. 

Antihistamine. Tapi tak mengantuk. 

Oo nice. 

I took two pills. Hehe. 

It was raining heavily and we then played cards to wait it off. But it was almost 10pm and reception is closing. It was still pouring. I don't want to get drenched nanti demam. 

Okay. Sape kalah last game dia kena ambil payung dalam kereta. I said. 

Aku rasa macam aku je yang kalah ni. Arif pulled my car keys towards him. 

It was between Kamal and Arif. I think I won only a few times but I lost only 3 times. Arif banyak menang tapi kalahnya 4 kali. Kamal paling banyak kalah. 

Last game. I won! Haha noob guyssss. Rain was slowing to pattering. I was wearing parka anyway. The guys are still at it. Should I let the loser go get it or should I just go while the rain is minimal? 

I went to my car and got the umbrellas. I returned and saw the guys already cleaned our table and put away the cups. Okay let me pee first then we go. 

Arif yang kalah btw.

And my swollen area seemed bigger. Ah. Tangan manja is what Arif said. Yup I agree. 

30

Two years ago we went high. Last year we went far. So the aim for this year is to go deep, that's why I took up diving early this year. 

But I couldn't go anywhere diving here, and the alternative is 6 ft under which is a bit too morbid for anyone's liking. 

So I met Boss and kena basuh. Deep means to be more matured and more serious, no more superficially living like a plankton. Let's hope. 

Happy birthday. I hope you're always happy. 

just go

Being postcall really brings out the uninhibited thoughts. 

I had a good talk with Hadija after work today. We sat in the MO room while the rest did the PM round. We concluded that I should apply for transfer and also for masters. 

Where to? That wasn't concluded.

I'm thinking of letting go of that Tijani condo. What's the point. Like really, what's the point. I trust my dad but really, what's the point. 

And now, I somewhat detest FB. My timeline is filled with friends selling things. It's a market there. What's the point of FB anyway? To get in touch? Yeah, probably. I'll post and wish people raya and festivities.

I have a strong desire to get away. Start from zero. Stay somewhere close to nature and just live a chill life. 

But is that the best you can do? How will you contribute? Be a community doctor? But you're good at surgery. Doctors without Borders?

I don't know. I just want to go.

What if you get lonely?

I'll have a cup of tea. 

drowning

As I was walking with Stephy yesterday, I didn't realise I breathed out I'm stressed until she asked me why I'm stressed.

What makes you think I'm stressed?

She looked perplexed. "You just told me."

I was silent for a bit. Why indeed.

"I think it's because I'm going back to Likas."

Luqman did ask me if I was really going back to the place I left but what options do I have?

There's always another option you haven't think of.

I want to discuss this with someone. Who? Luqman is a good bet but I have to go see him, this is not a conversation for extended phone calls.

Dad? At the end I've to make the decision myself.

Last night I dreamed we were at some beach and I was swimming happily. The water was calm and at some point I wanted to drown myself, but then I realise it wasn't that deep. 

It was a trip with friends, but I'm not sure who else was there. 

I got out, rinsed myself, got dressed and the plan was to rest a while before continuing on our trip. I took a turn towards my room and there was a pool, looked deserted. I walked on its ledge and then I slipped and fell into the pool. 

It wasn't that deep either. I didn't drown. 

He was there and helped me out. He seems to be the guy who always looked out for me everywhere we go. I took his hand and got out from the pool. 

He was that famous Korean guy from The Heir and Legend of the Blue Sea or something. I woke up and Googled him. His name is Lee Minho.

I wonder why it's him I saw. It wouldn't be such a ridiculous dream if it was someone else. I'm not exactly his fan anyway.

Should I go somewhere new? Should I take someone with me? Or should I go there alone, again?

leaving

Luqman is in Likas Day 3 now and bastard bored he's been giving me a call EOD. He kept asking when I'll be back in Likas.

I said later in October. I'm not rushing to go back anyway. I probably should come visit earlier to keep him company but meh.

He knows I had my depressive episode in Likas and so he asked if I'm really leaving my happiness in Lahad Datu and coming back to Likas where I was depressed once.

I told him I need to leave anyway. I shouldn't stay here any longer than a year. Maybe I should leave here and go somewhere else new.

He asked if I'm going back to HRPZ. 

Nope, I've had my happiness as a HO there. Better leave it happy memories as happy memories. 

But where to? Yeah, where to indeed. 

babies are cute

Today we did dressing for 8 months old Damia with 13% burn over her face and thorax. We discharged her on Monday with silicone dressing and she came back for her WI.

Nabil was playing with her. Staring into her eyes with a fatherly look but the kid bawled instead. I laughed at him. Her father said she didn't really like guys. 

"Camne kau nak kawin ni Damia?" I said. I then told the mom to shower her.

She did so in the toilet sink. She normally bathes in cold water at home so it shouldn't bother her much, but baby was crying anyway. 

"Kau marah kenapa?" I teased her while removing her bandages and tossed water onto her. Then I cleaned her wound with chlorhexidine. It was not painful and I know she was crying because she was upset at being manhandled, not because of the pain. She remained crying all through out the procedure. We quickly get her done and wrapped her in a dressing towel and as soon as her chin was on her mom's shoulder, the baby stopped crying entirely.

"Fake." Was what Nabil said. I laughed out loud at that.

Fake indeed, indeed. 

loneliness is not knowing who to call

This week I've been emotional. I'm annoyed a lot, I fought a lot, I ignored the people I miss and I ran away from things. I straight up criticised my colleagues and I want to cry a lot. My eyes watered easily.

I had to pause a quarter into A Whiskar Away because Miyo's obsession and fake happiness to hide her sadness was so relatable I teared up in self pity. 

Maybe I'm tired. I don't know. 

Today especially. In the morning I was complaining about a patient and my Miss said it's supposed to be our duty, don't get worked up about it. 

I realised I was being unsympathetic. I'm not usually like that. What happened to me? If I can't be a good person then I'm nothing. 

I wanted to talk to someone but I don't know who to call. Someone who will hear me out and give me a virtual pat on my head. I want a hug. Should I call Luqman? I shouldn't call Luqman. 

Should I hit the voice recorder and talk on my phone? Like what I use to do. That's so sad, don't remind me of those sad days. 

So I texted my kindest MO ever Kak Lin and afterwards cried a bit in my car. 

I wanted steak. So I went back and cooked a piece of lamb shoulder with salt and pepper in olive oil and had it with the briyani rice I leftovered from Sandakan. I took a shower and watched A Whiskar Away. 

I cried when Yori told Hinode and Isami about Miyo's broken family. How she put on a brave face when her mother abandoned her and her father remarried. I cried when Miyo broke down after Kaoru confronted her that Miyo shouldn't smile if she don't want to. 

Just a bit. Why am I like this? 

I know my parents love me. But I'm feeling really lonely now. 

Kinako said no wonder Miyo wanted to be a cat, because no one loves her. Even her parents abandoned her. 

Should I quit being a human too? How? 

No, don't. It's okay. I love you. Even if you are nothing else, even if you're suffering to be a good person, it's okay. I love you. 

i will look back and miss you but i have to go

I feel like going away. Uproot, start over. Leave everyone behind and just go somewhere, whether or not I'll meet them again. 

Just go. 

I told Nicole last week that it's better to leave on a high note, when everything is good. 

Maybe that's why I'm happy here. Because I'm here only temporarily and I want only happy memories here. So I live happily. 

And now. I feel like it's time to go.

Where? Akram invited me back as Surgical MO in HRPZ but I've happy memories as a HO there so I don't want to be back there anymore. Let that place be a happy memory, and not a place of floating as an MO.

Also. I'm kind of disheartened by Kelantan people. Guys to be exact. Maybe I'm still sore. Sure, I'm still sore.

Reminded me of the song Drops of Jupiter. 

last time i loved the moon, i shared it with you

Tonight is a full moon with a clear sky. It was so bright walking from my car to the house, so silent no dogs chasing after me. So tranquil.

Reminded me of the night we camped beside a raging river in Melangkap. Moon so bright we could see the silhouette of Akinabalu. It wasn't so quiet with the river raging at full speed and scary depth, but it was lovely.

I want another day away from here. 

dread

I've been having recurring dreams that I'm back in Likas so suddenly I left unfinished business in Lahad Datu.

I'd wake up thinking man I do not want to go back there. How would I be? Depressed? Silent all day, talking only to staff and patients? Working through lunch hour and only have dinner for meals daily?

Luqman will be there by then, so I guess I'll have an ally. But will it be like when Vicky was there, where I was angry at the world and him trying to tone me down so I don't end up dead at my own hands? I think I'll be using Luqman as my crutch.

That's bad. 

I don't know. I wouldn't know, would I? We just have to wait. But I really don't want to go back to Likas. 

At least I had my fun. I'll have memories to live by. 

laparuddin

Postcall semalam. Tak habis kerja lagi. Cuma makan keropok Kak Andi goreng dan kopi secawan. Berdiri di kaunter sementara nak sambung tulis review.

"Lapar. Nak telur dadar." Merengek sambil buat kerja. 

Berapa kali dah sebut benda ni. 

Fitri bosan dengar aku merengek. "Ye la malam ni aku gorengkan telur dadar untuk kau."

"Okay."

"Dah ada orang nak masak, doktor minta la yang sedap sikit." Kak Arlyn kata. 

"Saya nak pasta with spicy tuna." 

"Camne tu?"

"Tumis bawang, bubuh tuna flakes yang dalam minyak cili tu.." Tapi sebenarnya panjang lagi cara explain. 

Fitri confused. "Sardin?"

"Bukan sardin. Tuna."

"Susahnya. Aku orang Melayu. Kau minta makanan Itali." 

Me to Kak Arlyn. "Sebab tu saya minta telur dadar je."

Kak Arlyn gelak. Later I went home almost 5pm. Drank a bottle of liquid breakfast. Slept straight 10 hours.

Woke up and check my phone. Takde pun Fitri mesej nak hantar telur dadar. Hmm.