Let's go eat

Kena dengan Miss harini for something I did because Fadhly told me to. She voiced out in our group lengthily and I can't say Fadhly's name because that's not what we do. He's my teammate, I'll take one for him.

I waited a bit to see if Fadhly would reply but I guess he was asleep from being postcall. I replied "okay Miss" per usual and I told myself to be fibrosed like what FadhArifSyuk been doing but I still felt like crying.

So we went for lunch. Left alone I probably would have wallow in self pity. I want to be cheered up. Please cheer me up. 

I thought who should I call. My dad? He's working. Kak Elli? Working too. Can I call Hannan? I can't call Luqman, can I?

While waiting for my food to arrive I imagined myself in Kota Belud, jumping into the river and cold water ran through me. I can feel it. It was consoling a bit. Dunked my head in again, ah so nice. 

I want to go a river again. 

And then my message pinged. 

"Sorry Tiqah" 

Was a message from Fadhly. I grinned. Thank you for apologising, I know you would. 

"No worries"

Where R U From

I got a call tonight. Which I've been waiting for since I get here. But I didn't get any meaning he must be busy or he must have known I'm okay with being here.

Anyway I got a call. It was 26 minutes while he was watching the game. At one point he asked "When are you going back?" and I paused long before I answered. 

"Where do you mean, back?" Kota Bharu? Likas? 

He meant KB. So I told him earliest probably January for Syukri's wedding.

---

I had the same confusion back during my birthday when we were at the Dannok Immigration. The officer asked me "Dari mana?" and during that split second as I stared at him clueless and turning to Umair for help before Umair answered for me. 

"Dari Kangar."

When we passed that point, Umair said

"Aku dah agak mesti kau blur nak jawab kerja di Sabah balik Kota Bharu drive bercuti ke Perlis."

LD is where the heartbrokens are

Sometimes I think I'm too heart broken to do anything more. Besides focusing on my job, no strings attached, living a nomadic life on the weekends and getting depressed how difficult it is to mobilise when I'm solo. But doing nothing about it. 

Go with the flow, take what life gives me. 

But I think I might have hurt people too with my nonchalance. 

I sleep in my car

I was telling mom my oncalls here are tiring half of my postcalls I will work the whole day, punch out after Maghrib and sleep in my car in the hospital parking lot and wake up later midnight or near Subuh to drive back.

It's dangerous. 

I was so tired and it's more dangerous to drive exhausted.

Why not sleep in the hospital?

Where, the oncall room? That's where the oncall people will sleep.

Why not get your friend to drive you home?

What kind of illogical suggestion is that?

So it's more logical to sleep in the carpark?

Yes. The car is shut off. 

What if something happens to you in the car? You're alone right.

I'm in the car, of course I'm alone. 

Some more disapproving words. We're not achieving anything from this conversation. You're disapproving of me but you're not giving me a doable option. It's like when Hadi told me to don't go wander off alone. I'm effing bored here, I'm bored of sleeping in. But I don't have friends of equal adventurous spirit as mine, the only option is to wander off alone. 

And this time, I'm too tired to drive, so my logic is I sleep in the car. I don't turn on the engine. Why is that a problem? What do you want me to do? 

But I didn't tell her that. I just told her it's okay mom, send my regards to everyone.

I went back inside where my team was. Arif asked me who referred?

It's not a referral. I'm not even oncall. 

What's it about?

Nothing. Just end up in a fight. 

The day Likas disown me

I was throwing tantrums all day today.

It started when I realise Mr. Ashok removed me from the Specialist and MO WhatsApp group. I was then doing rounds and I stopped, aghast. What? Why?

They're my team. I'm in Lahad Datu yes but they're my team. How can they remove me from the group?

I told Arif. He laughed and said that means I'm gonna be permanent here in Lahad Datu. 

But I don't understand. Why? Because I'm not involved in patients managements so they kick me from the group? But I'm part of Paed Surgery Likas.

Fine. Fine. I'm walking out. I retaliated by removing myself from the MO group, the clinic groups and the CVL group. And then I deleted Mr. Ashok from my contact list.

They're disowning me. It's like when my house was on fire and I was displaced for that whole month. Not belonged to anywhere. 

It didn't help that Paeds been calling me during rounds and I expected this is going to be a pissy day, so I warned my colleagues.

"I'm throwing tantrums today. Thank you for being patient with me."

I was kept busy until noon, and I wanted to wallow in self pity or something, but they dragged me to lunch. Arif waited to drive me and he called twice, so I had no choice but to humour him. 

In the car was Fadhly. He greeted me with a 

"Noob la kena kick dari group. Apa kau dah buat? Lain kali diam-diam je la. Noob."

I wanted to say "fuck off" but I glared him so hard and considered kicking the back of his seat.

So I replied "Aku tak sure samada nak sepak atau tampar kau. Aku senyap je, tak pernah tulis sepatah pun sejak aku datang sini."

"Noob la." He joked. 

"Dah jangan cakap dengan aku dah pasal ni." And so I faceplanted myself onto the passenger seat. Fadhly said something but I didn't reply. I really was upset. 

They left me alone. I ate my food in silence. But then Luqman replied my text and told me

"Grow up Tiq. That's immature."

and I almost threw my phone. Fadhly saw. He's brilliantly observant you see. I replied 

"I hate you."

and fucking Luqman replied "It's okay to hate temporarily."

and I almost threw my phone again. I was listless. I forced down my food and later got up to call Kak Elli but her line was not available. Why la whyyy. 

Arif drove us back. I sat in the back forlornly, looking outside. But Fadhly didn't let it go. 

"Apsal muka stress sangat tu. Kau buat je la group baru, jangan add Mr. Ashok tu."

I grinned, half exasperated that he's still talking about this somewhat jokingly and half amused he's actually doing something to cheer me up. That suggestion really cheered me up. 

So I did what I wanted to do. I threw Arif's neck pillows at him. All two of it, I threw at him. Fadhly laughed a bit before throwing them at the back seat. 

Yeah I cheered up a bit. I actually texted him "Thanks Padly."

Before I was crestfallen again. I mean, they're my team and they disowned me. 

We talked about this post op, over porridge and cake in the OT pantry. I told them how I felt. Although I wanted to run from Likas, actually being removed from the group, my only link, the single thread tying me to Likas.. It sucks. Really sucks. 

But I didn't dare ask why was I removed. Because it'd be the end of me if it was actually an order from Boss. 

Fadhly again. "Noob."

I turned to him with a semi snarl semi grin. "Aku harap sangat aku ni lelaki, atau kau perempuan. Because I really want to headlock you right now."

But I made light of it. Talking about it made me feel better. 

And so Fadhly again. "Noob." 

I pushed my chair backwards and made a swift move in front of him, ready to pounce. He actually flinched backwards, with a grin on his face. I laughed. 

"Stop calling me noob!" 

We finished our snacks and decided to go to KFC for dinner. On my way out I bowed at him "Terima kasih Fadhly." Because I felt lighter. 

But him being a bastard. "Terima kasih apa? Noob la kau ni."

I jumped in front of him in tantrum. "Stop calling me noob!" 

I couldn't really finish my food. Still a bit wallowing. A lot. 

"Aku takde mood nak makan." I said since they pointed out I was only eating ice cream, my drink and fries. I still have the chicken and Twister left. 

"Kau makan apa je? Makan hati?" 

"Haah."

We laughed. But I really did feel disowned. 

"The problem is, kau overthink sangat. Peduli apa."

That felt like a slap. Yeah I am. I am overthinking. Because I'm attached to them. But I'm not. And I shouldn't. 

Okay Fadhly. Okay. 

We still have one laparotomy to go. Arif told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow but

"Fadhly masuk, kau masuk. Aku kena la masuk, aku kan yang ketiga. Kita kan satu team, cukup la Likas disown aku jangan la kau pun disown aku!" 

"Ha yeee Tiqah jom sekali, kau kena join kami, kita kan satu team!" 

Before we all laughed stupidly in the car on the way to dinner. 

But after dinner, Fadhly told me to rest since I'm oncall tomorrow. I don't want to listen to him but he has a point. 

I have overnight to grow up. 

161019 - First oncall General Surgery in Lahad Datu

Terrible hahahahahaha oh my God. Don't get me started how bad it was, I even had an incident reporting done. I was also having terrible abdominal pain, loose stool and vomiting all day likely culprit being the siput tarik Syuk, Pali and I had for dinner last night.

I couldn't kick them when they tease me because I'm just so spent. Abang2 basically dragged me out to have late lunch, which I vomited out as well at the restaurant itself. I can still remember their worried faces amidst my eyes all red from retching.

Postcall the nurses reported to my abang2 how I vomited at night, threw out the ORS because it tasted like sea water, stuck in ED all night, and didn't eat the food they bought me. They frowned disapproving before later got me to eat more food.

Everyone covered for me in the morning and I didn't get it that badly from my Miss. Syukri snapped a picture of me slumped on the chair and like the bastard he is, he went and send it to our Paed Surgery group.

They started calling me budak/baby. Guess it fits my status as Paed Surgical trained.

I transected a cystofix catheter

I screwed up big time. I thought how my Miss will react when I confess to her what I did. How she'll scream at me, how a danger I am, how I'm not functional here, how I'm expected to square up and clean up my mess, how I wouldn't be allowed to do oncalls again, how I should return and be a burden to Mr Mughni back again.

It's okay, I understand if she does.

So I told my colleagues what I did and bowed my thanks to them. Thank you for this three weeks, it was a pleasure and I'm so happy to have worked with you. Thank you for the memory.

They said I'm being dramatic. Maybe I am. But I did make a mistake, so I need to face the repercussion. Let's go find Miss and confess.

What I didn't expect was my Miss to be so calm when I met her in her office. She told me what to do about it, she told me what I could have done better, and lastly she said

"Memorable oncall. I also cut (that) once or twice." And brushed it off.

Wow. All those anxiety.

Later I ran back to ward where my abang and bapak already bought food for me.

Gastritis

Two years in Likas I'm accustomed to not eating and I never get gastritis.

Two weeks in Lahad Datu and I'm eating well at least once a day.

And today, my first oncall. By 2pm I was still stuck in Red Zone and I'm doubling over because my stomach hurts so much from only a cup of coffee and last meal at 8pm yesterday.

Syukri came after his lunch and took me to the hospimart to buy me snacks, because I was leading us back to ward. I forgot we have a hospimart here.

Wolfed down two packet of milk and Syukri opened a biscuit packet for me with a disapproving glare.

"Aku rasa macam dah jadi bapak budak."

Thanks bro. I did ask him to buy me lunch but there was no porridge at Happy Spoon so he didn't get me anything. I feel kind of useless. I know I'm bad at taking care of myself but this is to the extend of actually hurting myself.

I went up to ward and got myself a T. Ranitidine.

Going for prayers now. It's asar already, there goes my zohor. Stomach still hurts.

Day idk already

"Harith tak nak?" Fadhly asked me.

"Tak boleh, sebab adik aku nama Harith. Sebiji ejaan. Jadi incest gitu."

They made wtf faces.

---

"Okay aku nak ngorat kau la." I looked at Fadhly once and then looked away.

---

They dropped me off and then suddenly Syukri called me out from the car.

"Tiqah, tu Shahmi MO Ophthal."

I turned to see who he was gesturing at. The guy looked skinny and small. Can't do. I faced back Syukri to see what was his point.

"Dia single lagi. Kau tak nak dia?"

I stared at him for a second, saw Fadhly's stupid grin from his driver seat and I broke into a grin. Aku nak yang sebelah kau was what I was gonna say, but I just shook my head and walked away. Enough for today.

---

Fadhly and Syukri were both annoying and I kept on glaring between the two of them. Fadhly because he left me straining the was-120kg dead-weight patient alone and my wrists hurt for real and Syukri because he's never not a bastard.

"Kenapa Tiqah?" Fadhly grinned at me when he caught me glaring. The nerve. Was gonna say just because I like you doesn't mean I don't want to kill you. But I shook my head.

"Aku tak boleh nak decide nak tikam jugular kau ataupun jugular Syukri."

Priya helped. "You have two hands, do both at the same time."

---

Stupid Syukri hinted to pair me with Hadija wtf I'm straight. "Orang Bugis minta hantaran RM30k."

"Aku ada RM30k. Kalau orang Tumpat minta berapa?"

The both of us turned to Fadhly. "Tahu Pali. Orang Tumpat minta berapa?"

there's so much that we can do, and then there's some

One of the earliest chronic patient I encountered in Lahad Datu was this gentleman named Atan. His nephew was also one of the last patients I have in Likas. They were videocalling when Atan mentioned my name to his sister-in-law who immediately recognized me.

Anyhow back to Atan. He had a fall years ago and was bedridden since. Non local, unemployed and divorced. He came to us because of suprapubic pain with hematuria and we found a huge ass stone in his bladder. We irrigated and transfused countlessly and finally explored the bladder to take the menace out. Post op he recovered somewhat well considering his kidney was failing.

He was puffed up, still hematuric, renal profile was climbing, malnourished and his POD 3 wound had a small gap. But we have removed the stone that was causing him pain and now he wanted out.

"My bill is 20k already, are you going to pay for it?" He asked me.

Of course I'm not. I couldn't and I shouldn't. So we discharged him at his own risk.

I punched out for the day and heard my name being called. It was him in a wheelchair and his sister at the lobby. He pointed out at his abdomen, where his SPC was leaking hematuria.

"Is this okay?" He asked me.

Obviously not, I thought. I should open the dressing but we were in public and I am not touching that with my bare hands. Should I wheel him back to ward? I looked at him and I knew the answer already.

 
"What do you want to do?" I asked him back.

He went home that day. Much later we heard the news he passed away. He was with family and I hope he was happy in his final days. Al-fatihah Atan.

Running on Voltage

I wanna whine how exhausted I am.

Monday noon. Nenek passed away. I took the 4.10pm LDU-BKI and 6pm plus BKI-KUL. Arrived KUL at 8.30pm and Mira drove us to Melaka. Arrived at 11pm.

Tuesday came and I think I slept at 2am. Woke up at 5pm. Funeral day. Evening went to Semenyih, Chik's. Crashed at 11pm.

Wednesday today. Woke up at 3am. KUL-SDK flight at 5am.

The hours don't count because the sleep was shitty. I needed to stay awake, in case I sleep and miss my SDK-LDU flight. Couldn't sleep anyway, there's something about sleep deprivation that ironically prevents you from sleeping. I needed coffee. Refused to pay RM6 for a regular Nescafe at the airport so I chose to pay RM19 for a large Voltage at Gloria Jean's.

Maybe I'm dehydrated. My head hurts.

Almost 11am. Read through the work updates, saw a 9 years old admitted on Abang's oncall Monday with prenephric collection in septic shock. Perforated appendicitis? It's always a perforated appendicitis unless proven otherwise. Saw they operated the kid yesterday and today planning for Medivac to Likas.

Called up Syukri asking if the kid sent over yet. I was hoping to read the files. He said kid just sent over.

He asked when I'm coming back. I said I'm waiting for my LDU flight. He said to call him and he'll fetch me from the airport. I thought walking back from the airport might do me good, I should shower pray and sleep all afternoon.

He said there's a PGU going in soon and I should join.

That sounds like a bad idea and I'm tired as shit, but I'll do that.

I brought home a betta fish

Walk this with me yeah?

I bought a male betta fish today. It's red and orange with specks of blue.

It's alone in it's 15cm tall, 7cm diameter plastic bottle and I put a mirror on one side. But this guy has been swimming up and down agressively like it's manic or something, before calming down for a bit. I wonder if betta fish gets crazy from being lonely.

I haven't name it yet. I was thinking of naming it Lobster because it's orange and I can say I have a pet Lobster. I asked friends on Instagram and Kudus suggested Sunshine, quite aptly named except it's a male and a manic one. Nisa suggested Fury and yeah, suits it too.

Maybe I should name it Youngbae because it's small but agressive and it's coloured like the sun (Taeyang).  

Day 3

My surgeon on MC today and she messaged in the group "Atiqah please go see the patient in SCN, if need to discuss with Mr. Mughni."

Ah damn. I'm here for General Surgery rotation but as warned by Ms. Hazlina I might be pushed to cater the Paed Surgery cases.

Anyway I went to the SCN alone today. Made friends with the MOs there, I only remember Kelvin's name because he walked me through the cases we were referred to.

And then by PM all of them were aware there's a Paed Surgical trained MO here.

"Wahh senang la nak refer lepas ni!"

"Jangan gitu, aku sini untuk General Surgery rotation. Jangan bagitahu Faizul!"

"Aku bagitahu semua orang sekarang."

Boleh gaduh gini hahaha.

They have a ward adopted child. A five months old kid with HIE. Her mom was a primid who passed away from PPH or something. PMC, family abandoned the child after knowing her poor prognosis.

She looks clean, good built, too thriving actually for a five months old. Chesty a bit haha. Need more frequent suction. The MOs had her on their lap while they were doing discharges.

I think I might snuck around just to coo at her. Gonna ask her name cm.

---

Lunch with the boys again. Us MOs in charge of 4A. We ordered and the three idiots pulled out their phone and started a game of PUBG. Hahaha.

I've been friends with Syukri since my fifth posting O&G, where he was a third poster but longer in O&G than I was so he was my senior then. He's annoying as hell, talkative as shit and he knows my family haha. Bastard is Hadi's junior in USIM. He's the one who convinced Mr. Mughni to send me to Lahad Datu.

I have to credit him for how liberated I feel now that I'm in Lahad Datu. I'm more loose and laid back, I feel lighter. Probably because he's known me since HOship so I can use my HO persona now, not the stuck up worried MO I was back in Likas. Also probably because I'm just a new MO here in Lahad Datu, "first day" as I will tell everyone. Nothing to lose.

Arif is a two months MO here and he's two years younger than me. He's from Melor and he did his housemanship in Sandakan, imagine that.

"Kau lari dari awek di Kelantan ya? Pastu kau tinggalkan awek lama di Sandakan, sekarang kau ada awek Lahad Datu pulak kan?"

"Wow macam mana kau tahu!"

"Berapa orang dah awek Lahad Datu kau?"

"1, 2, 3, 4 kosong."

I laughed. We were just messing around. I call him Abang because he's two months senior than me in General Surgery but he calls me back Kakak and insisted he's most junior. Eh jangan berebut boleh?

Day 2

Woke up to Luqman asking me how LD is treating me. I told him briefly about my first day.

Kicked my colleague because that damn Syukri said "gemuk juga ya kau ni" effing so so annoying.

Skipped lunch to send mom to airport. Sobs.

Went straight back to the hospital and did a trucut biopsy before I even observe one.

Spent almost 4 hours in ward resuscitating a urosepsis with four other MOs. We're so single, lifeless MO district.

We're done and they promised me we'll all go out for dinner but the idiots are now rooted in their seat playing PUBG. Idiots I'm hungry I want my nasiiiiiiiii.