First love is a fever, it pains us and makes us an adult

Walked to the hospital with Syak and her husband Anas. Balqis cried when Syak left her at Umair's and as we walked, the doting mother worried that she was cruel to leave her baby to go to hospital at night.

"Najwa (another mother in our batch) didn't go to tuition and she stayed at home with her son, but here I am.." She held my arm and asked, "Am I cruel?"

"Hmm." She shouldn't be comparing herself to anyone because I know she's already trying hard to be a great mom. We all have our battles, we just didn't know what other's are. "No you're not."

"You took a while to answer. You probably think I am."

She sounded dejected. I shouldn't think when consoling was top priority. "Is going to the hospital an option or a necessity for you?"

"Necessary, I didn't really get to fully examine the patient in class.."

"It's a necessity, so you're not cruel, Syak. Don't worry." Life will always demand sacrifices from us, so we make our choices wisely.

Anas turned around and grinned at me. "All women are hysterical."

"Then what am I?" Why do I have to keep asking people that? This is a worrying trend.

"You're a guy." Syak replied.

I wanted to shot that she was holding on to me, a guy's arm in the presence of her husband, but no, we don't joke when it comes to Hana and her gender issue.

"I think I have gender confusion." Another quarter-life crisis.

---

There's another classmate who probably thinks I'm a guy by his enthusiastic discussion of Andrology with me. I am uncomfortable and could easily admit so to him, but that's too much work for a lazy ass like me. I'd rather just ignore or answer per se without much elaboration. He's smart, so he should get the hint.

Or maybe he's not.

Slapped

Dr. HK in his 7am class today kept making references to past classes and since I had irregular attendance since two weeks ago from generalized myalgia (lulz) and that break of habit thus diverted me off my hardworking course, I merely nodded in acknowledgement.

He stopped teaching.

"You're not following me... You have to come to class everyday. Everyday. Otherwise you will only get a glimpse of what I'm saying and not the whole picture. Come to class. Every. Day."

I am not that conceited as to think he noticed my absence (though I do have my preferred seat at the first row bench on the right side of the hall) and I believe this whole telling-off was directed at the class in general, but he did looked at me a few times while doing so and all I could do was offer an apologetic smile.

"I can come everyday, any day. Even on Saturday. But you have to come to class everyday and study a little bit before."

Another apologetic smile.

"You don't believe me." He gave up and resumed teaching.

*_*

Some people are born to make others happy

while some others observe.

It had been a long day for some of us at the faculty today. Starting with the dean's surgery class at 7 (which I skipped because I needed to sort out some financial issues, I miss Dr. Hussein huhu) and our last class for the day, a double dose of surgery general lecture, ended at a sweet 4.30pm. Dusk in half an hour.

The day didn't end there. We had a meeting with the dean and our coordinator afterwards. I felt sorry for them to have to meet us at the end of the day and hear us commenting this and that, but they were steadfast and unrelenting in honouring their duties.

Except that the dean looked a little bit tense. It wasn't that he was expressive by default and he did look like he normally looked, but there was an aura of exhaustion coming out from him. And he wasn't smiling, there was no spark in his eyes. Ara told me earlier that he appeared to be in a sour mood during his class that morning. This meeting probably wouldn't help uplift his mood.

"I thank Dr. Hala for insisting with this meeting, although at first I was a bit reluctant," at this point we all laughed. "But thank you all for attending today."

At the end of discussion, Khadijah stood up and thanked the doctors profusely for setting the time to meet us. "Thank you for always helping us, for listening, for hearing our voices.."

I was staring at the dean and there was a change in his expression. Just subtle.

"... although not everyone of us is attending, but deep from our heart, we really really love you."

And there was a smile on his face, just a slight upward lift of his right lips that showed a hint of his teeth. There was a little more spark in his eyes.

He looked contented. That made me smile, too.

He is a great man, a humble dean, an inspiring teacher, and he did so much for us Faculty of Medicine students. He taught us to always be inspired and to be the best that we can, and much more.

Maybe we never told him how great we think of him and how much he was doing a great job. It probably never occurred to us that the dean may need some encouragement and praise, too.

We thought he knew how great he is.

Dr. Hussein took the mike and said, "You made our day and night" with such sincerity, my smile widened.

Uplifted.

---

"Is there anything you would like to add, doctor?" Our MC the batch boss asked at the end of the meeting.

"No," but the dean was already reaching for the mike. "I wish you success ba'a and a nice stay in Egypt."

What Weekend?

We sixth year Malaysians started our academic session one month later than the Egyptians and to catch up, compensations must be made in the form of sacrificing our two-weeks winter break. It was understandably non-negotiable, but some of us still wanted to try.

Dr. Hala: We can give you two days.
Dr. Hussein: Yeah, a long weekend.

Hahaha.

Universally, weekend means two days off but apparently in the medical profession, you're more than lucky to even have one.  

Lariii

Malam tu, Umair gila. Dia nak merayap mencari ketenangan. Orang ajak pergi hospital dia taknak maka terpaksa layan dia merayap sekitar sungai. Bapis teman.

Entah kenapa kitorang decide nak ikut jalan yang tak pernah lalu selama ni. Bapis layan je. "Kalau sesat, kita boleh patah balik."

Kitorang jalan satu deret; saya tengah, Umair kiri saya dan Bapis kanan saya. Jalan gelap, takde orang. Masuk lorong lain nampak dua orang Arab.

Umair timbulkan persoalan ape nak buat kalau Arab serang. Saya dengan semangatnya "Takpe aku bawak pisau!" sambil genggam Swiss knife dalam poket sweater. Kalau mama baca, mesti dia tension anak buas sorang ni.

Bapis kata "Kalau Arab kacau, lari la. Sape paling pendek mesti dia paling last."

Dan mereka berdua pun gelakkan saya, sebab antara kitorang bertiga, Bapis paling tinggi pastu Umair. Argh.

As innocent as a white bear

I brought Kevin with me to Umair's because I have grown sissy nowadays and wouldn't want to sleep without him. Played with Huda the niece, studied a bit and went to roll on Umair's warm bed.

Throwback last 7th November, we had a sleepover watching thriller in which everyone screamed exasperated at the characters' stupidity.

Kevin was in the air being jostled by me. I told Umair I always wanted to rename him but I kept calling him Kevin again.  "Like, Jonghyun."

Iema liked that name."Bears should be named Korean. Try KwangSoo."

"No way, KwangSoo is stupid. Kevin is not."

"Norman," Umair supplied one of her cheesy Malay names.

"Pfft."

"Zahri. Kevin Zahri."

"That's weird."

Umair then offered a classmate's name and I laughed. "How would I sound if I say I'm sleeping with (insert random classmate's name)?"

"Gila!" And Umair hit me. I rolled around laughing.

Umair then likened Kevin to Huda, a baby. I told her Kevin is two years younger than me (because arwah Grandpa Jamil gave me him when I was two) and that makes him 21. Definitely not a baby.

I get lonely when he does his 45-minute breath-holding practice.

"I'm sorry. Did you mind me bringing a 21-year-old guy over?"

"Gila!" She hit me again.

Stupidity session over, we then discussed worldviews. As usual, she was always the better informed between the two of us, but I like to think I am not so bad myself.

But then as I presented my opinion, she exclaimed that I was "innocent! So innocent!" and that really caught me. She called me innocent again for a second time and I was officially not enjoying myself anymore. I rather be called crazy than a prude.

I think my innocence was sacrificed the day I had to examine a patient's scrotum. But yeah, innocence is culturally defined.

Simplex

For mature readers only. Yaya! Pergi baca buku sekarang!

At the end of the class, the doctor gave us a question. When can herpes virus type 1 causes genital infection and herpes virus type 2 causes oral infection?

The answer was simple enough. I nodded in understanding and class was dismissed.

Outside, a friend rushed past me. "All this time I thought oral *** means kissing! Wth."

I chuckled nervously. I wasn't sure whether she was so innocent or I am a know-it-all or a downright pervert.

Another friend nodded in agreement to her. She turned to me, "But it is abnormal, right? Surely it can't be normal."

It had to be a trick question, right? This one had to be answered delicately. I realized I had early exposure to a different culture yet living in a different one entirely. Talk about socially displaced.

"I think the word normal itself depends on what culture you are in."

She accepted my answer. "Medically, religiously, it has to have some sort of drawbacks, right?"

It would be interesting to Google this one up. The resident showed up to take our attendance and I was saved from answering her.

This is going to be an interesting week.

Engineer on a Saturday

7.00 am

Checked on our problematic cooking gas tank left on the balcony, it was still buzzing from gas leaking out. A friend advised to get it exchanged, but it had to stop leaking gas first. With the gas outflow now away from the clothe peg, I hung my laundry and enjoyed the morning breeze.

Got dressed and sipped a cup of instant cappuccino that had every fiber of me missing Costa's fresh brew. I hate instants. Rechecked today's schedule and had second thoughts of skipping Dr. Mohamed Saeed's (extra) ECG class to go to Tahrir to apply my yearly visa. He was going to teach hypertrophy and hypertensive changes in ECG.

"Visa," my housemates supplied helpfully. "You have (obligatory) classes everyday anyway. Might as well skip today's."

And Tahrir it was.

8.40 am

Microbus dropped me near the haunting building of Mugamma' Tahrir. Customary glance at the unnecessary tanks guarding the entrance and proceeded into the building. Last time I stepped foot in this square, the urine stench was much worse. Not sure if this was a good thing or not.

9.15 am

Classmate in front of me was applying visa for his 9-ish month old baby and her passport photo was too cute I was going to melt in a puddle of goo.

I couldn't resist. "Do you have an extra copy of Huda's passport photo? Can I have one?"

9.45 am

Visa applied. Time to go to class... Or not.

Sixth year is a test of priorities and choices, or ninjutsus. We have three (extra) classes at the same time on Saturday;
Dr. Kenawy's clinical surgery
Dr. Heba's clinical Cardiology
Dr. Galal's surgical radiology.

All scheduled for 9.00 am and unless you're fluent in Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, choosing is mandatory. But there's always the last choice of 'none of the above' and at this hour, I was going to be a late nuisance anyway if I grace any one of those classes.

Decided to walk back to Mounira and enjoy whatever there was to enjoy along the Nile.

10.00 am 

Reached Mounira. Stopped by a hardware stall to buy PVC tape to fix our leaking sinks in the kitchen and bathroom. Stopped at another hardware store to buy anticlog treatment for our atherosclerotic kitchen sink drain. Stopped at the grocer. We were out of cooking oil.

Home. Checked on the gas tank on the balcony, still leaking. My room unfortunately reeked of gas it was nauseating. Observed as Kak Milah fixed the leak under the kitchen sink and I administered the anticlog measures for the pipe. Went into the bathroom and fixed the sink there.

We called it us playing engineers, haha.

11.45 am

Off to last class for Dermatology. Noticed some absentees and I understood their distaste of coming to class on a universal weekend to observe some patient's blackheads or fungal infection between the toes.

rationality is irrelevant

post ni tak macho langsung.

kalau nak kata sebab saya baik, saya tak baik. tapi saya tak rasa saya jahat walaupun kadang-kadang saya suka kenakan orang. lebih kepada tak kisah. lagipun, kita semua dah bertahun bersama. jadi saya tak kisah, tak pernah kisah. kita kan kawan.

tapi saya takkan kata sebab kalian meskipun saya sayangkan kalian. golongan xx ni mereka kadang-kala hormon tak stabil dan bila terguris hati ditambah pula dengan sakit bahu nak flex lengan pun sengal, mereka boleh je nak nangis senyap-senyap dalam kelas sementara tunggu cikgu masuk. lebih menyedihkan, tisu pun takde.

ah. tak stabil betul.

kalau nak kata sebab duit, duit tak pernah menjadi motivasi saya. the very thought of doing things for money is insulting. lagipun saya baru je kira duit tadi dan ianya tak cukup, duit saya tak cukup, duit benda ni pun tak cukup. haha. pelik betul. tak seronok betul bila ada deficit macam ni, padahal catit penuh skema dah kot.

there is no absolute in medicine. nampaknya hidup saya juga dah jadi medicine, lulz.

kalau nak kata sebab kepuasan peribadi, takde apa yang saya dapat dari semua ni. sakit badan ada la. sakit gile, serius. saya tak kuat, tak cukup katang. mungkin seronok kalau jadi lelaki, mereka katang.

hal ini juga menguatkan keinginan saya untuk kahwin dengan orang yang pandai mengurut. tapi kalau saya dah berkahwin, mungkin kita takkan berhadapan dengan perkara ini in the first place. hahah.

kesimpulan yang saya dapat adalah, hidup mesti kerana Tuhan. buat apa-apa pun sebab Dia. ikhlas itu adalah perkara yang serius kena usahakan dengan serius. ikhlas dari langkah pertama, tawakkal dari langkah pertama. hidup demi Tuhan dengan sebenar-benarnya. kalau tak, hidup takkan gembira. dan kalau nak gembira, kena ingat bahawa sesetengah benda perlu diterima at face value, tak perlu fikir dalam-dalam sangat, argue balik atau menangis. ignorance is bliss, dan ya, hidup ini perlukan a certain level of ignorance.

macam mana nak tahu bila perlu take at face value, bila nak argue? well, sebab itu la kita perlu menjadi lebih matang dan wise. itu la yang kehidupan sedang ajar disebalik segala kesakitan badan ni.

significant others

i'm not good at maintaining relationship. i'm not good at keeping in contact. let's not talk about faith-family, friends or acquaintances, i'm barely keeping the blood-family updated via whatsapp. i don't like to use the phone for calling.

but i like people. their significance to me will always make them significant, even if i don't really show it. it's just it. a sister will always be a sister, a brother will always be a brother, a close friend nearly-cousin-like will always be close friend nearly-cousin-like, and i'll always think of them fondly whenever i think of them. and yeah, i'm more of a family person than i am a friendly person.

maybe i have to change. this attitude makes me lose contact and all, and despite always praying for them, not telling people what you have in mind isn't going to score you points with them. you fall out from their good side and you'll fall apart.

today was the first time in a long time i saw someone online. i got to know him because of a mutual significant person, and out of favour for that person i met up with him once. and that was it. i don't even remember how he looks like, but i'll always remember his name and what he signifies.

it feels nice to walk down that road again. 

"You have to be proud even if you are stupid."

There was this one or two questions that I gleefully answered and didn't bother to recheck it even though I finished early. Because I was confident.

Lulz.

Post exam, it bothered me that I was too quick with those questions. Turned out my answers were wrong. Served me right.

I most probably would have gotten it right if I used my brain instead of my instinct. It wasn't that I didn't know, it's just I was too full of myself to take a moment to think.

But I blame my eyes' need for a couple-more-minute shut. They get congested rather frequently lately, it was uncomfortable. (Okay that sounded lame).

---

During our Paediatric posting last year, Dr. Ahmed ElBeleidy when teaching us radiology mentioned the importance of using the brain to think instead of jumping at that moment with your instinct. Otherwise, you can easily mistake a pleural effusion for a collapse.

"Causes of failure in exam; ignorance and stupidity."

---

Instinct is something developed after years of experience. At this point, all my instincts might as well be a bag of bull, haha. 

Minah Buang Anak

Tong sampah luar kami di sebelah tepi pintu masuk. Warna dia pink. Dia besar. Letak sampah situ, nanti ada pakcik budiman tolong buangkan. Upah dia 5 genih sebulan (lebih kurang RM3) dan saya rasa ianya sangat amat sedikit dibandingkan dengan risiko yang datang dengan kerjaya ini. Terima kasih pakcik.

Zohor hari Sabtu saya nak buang sampah lepas balik kelas. Ada dua plastik hitam besar nak buang. Sebab tong sampah tu kosong dan besar serta dalam, maka saya menahan nafas seterusnya menjenguk ke dalam.

Terkejut nampak anak kucing tengah duduk rapat-rapat. Kes buang anak!

Anak kucing tidur rapat-rapat.

Ada empat ekor. Nampak kecik, gaya macam tak putus susu lagi. Tak perasan pulak sesape mengandung atau beranak baru-baru ni. Mona ke? Minah ke? Warna macam Minah tapi rasanya anak Minah yang lahir haritu dah besar boleh lari-lari dah.

Saya nak buang sampah, maka anak kucing ni kena duduk lain. Nak menyeluk tangan ke dalam tong sampah adalah sesuatu yang saya tak sanggup, walaupun tong itu kosong. Maka saya tonggekkan tong sampah dan anak-anak kucing menggelongsor turun ke atas tudung tong sampah yang saya dah letak dekat bawah.

Yang terakhir untuk keluar degil sikit, sikit lagi nak keluar tapi dia tahan gelinciran dengan kuku. Sambil membebel, saya tendang sikit tong sampah akhirnya semua anak kucing selamat keluar.

Ada baki sampah sarap tulang temulang dalam tong sampah tu. Habis semua tu jatuh atas anak kucing. Haha. Nasib la korang.

Saya berdiri dan perhati. Mereka comel. Saya nak main dengan diorang.

Tapi diorang busuk. Manade orang nak main dengan budak busuk. Kalau mandikan, nanti mak dia tak cam bau dan tak mengaku anak. Kesian la anak belum kenal erti kehidupan akhirnya mati kerana tidak cukup kasih sayang.

Saya pun buang sampah dan masuk rumah.

---

Asar saya keluar untuk buang sampah lagi (haha minah ni banyak betul sampah) dan nampak anak-anak kucing duduk rapat-rapat atas tudung tong sampah tu.

Duduk rapat-rapat...

Mak dia bubuh diorang empat ekor dalam tong sampah...

Damn. Sekarang musim sejuk. Diorang sejuk!

Adeh lembab betul! Hypothermia bahaya la untuk baby argh argh. Tak boleh bawa masuk rumah takut mak dia cari tak jumpa. Lagipun busuk. Hypothermia or not, saya tak nak sentuh budak busuk please. Maka saya lari masuk rumah dan minta kotak dari ahli beit.

Takde kotak kosong. Kobek stor rumah. Takde gak. Adeh. Kesian la baby. Kak Teha tawarkan kotak biskut untuk selamatkan anak-anak kucing dari hypothermia. Kecik, tapi better than nothing. Budak hypothermic tak boleh merungut.

Alaskan kotak dengan skirt lama Kak Milah yang dah jadi kain buruk. Macam muat-muat nak letak anak kucing empat ekor tapi kalau mak dia datang, memang takde ruang langsung la.

Saya keluar dan letak kotak biskut tepi tong sampah kami. Angkat sekor demi sekor anak kucing masuk kotak tu, atas satu sama lain. Mereka gemok, berat juga untuk saiz. Pandai mak dia jaga anak. Matlamat hidup baby memang untuk menjadi gemuk je.

Kelihatan sempit. Kain alas kena letak juga sebagai penebat haba, tak boleh alih.

Saya masuk semula rumah dan ambil kotak kasut. Rupanya ada yang kosong, alhamdulillah. Berguna betul suka beli kasut haha.

Keluar semula nak salin kotak anak-anak kucing. Minah ada!

"La anak kamu ke Minah. Pandai jaga anak. Ni gravida ke berapa?"

Minah menyeringai! Dia tak pernah menyeringai dekat saya selama ni! Nampaknya Minah tak suka saya cakap medic dengan dia.

Atau mungkin dia tak suka saya datang dekat dengan anak dia. Minah dekat atas tudung tong sampah dengan tiga anak dia. Sekor masih lagi dalam kotak.

Saya tak nak kena cakar. Minah kucing jalanan yang tinggal di bangunan kami ni. Mesti kuku dia hebat penuh bakteria. Kalau dia cakar, saya kena pergi hospital ambil anti-rabies shot. Sakit dow kena cucuk.

Minah dah baring menyusu anak-anak tiga ekor tu. Yang sekor lagi ni kesian camne boleh tertinggal, adakah development milestone kucing berbeza meskipun adik-beradik gravida yang sama?

Minah tengok saya. Saya tengok dia.

Tangan mencapai leher anak dia. Minah masih tengok saya.

Anak kucing letak atas lantai (yang sejuk, sorry baby). Minah masih tengok saya.

Saya letak kain alas dalam kotak kasut. Kotak biskut letak tepi. Kotak kasut letak dekat posisi asal kotak biskut.

Saya tengok Minah. Dia tengok saya.

Tangan mencapai leher anak kucing, letak dia atas kain alas kotak kasut. Minah tengok saya.

Saya berundur. Bye.

Minah dan anak-anak. 

---

Maghrib saya keluar nak tengok ape jadi dengan mereka.

Minah terbaring dalam kotak kasut. Anak-anak dia duduk dengan dia. Mereka nampak selesa.

Hehe.

P/s: Nama dia Minah sebab dia suka duduk tengah-tengah tangga halang laluan. Saya yang selalu terpaksa berlari ke kelas akan membebel "Minah ni duduk la tepi skit."

Good Ol' Days

Earlier this year I had a mental breakdown and Umair asked for the general population's help because I needed chocolate and salted chips stat. B*pis came to the rescue in the form of a big bag of Chipsy, four Kinder Buenos and four Lindt.

Few days after that, I went into my cheeky sengal-mohon-dilempang mode in classic bipolar fashion. I went on YM to pester S*pwan.

Hana: s*fwan haritu abg *pis bagi saya coklat :D
Hana: bile pulak saudara nak bagi saya coklat!
Pe*enang: Saper ni?

I laughed my head off when he answered. Annoying S*pwan has always been considered as a personal achievement, so I proceeded to brag this endeavour to Ja*k. To which Ja*k replied;

Ja*k: argh mamat ni
Ja*k: org ym die x pena2 reply
Haru: HAHAHHAHA
Ja*k: pstu ckp xbukak pn

Ah. Good old times. I wish them ease in their study and they graduate this February. I am getting them flowers.

Tough Love

During the break, we had a discussion about justice and human rights that stemmed from the quote,

"Fiqh menjauhkan manusia daripada manusia dan manusia daripada tuhan."

It was a rather heavy discussion to be written back, and I am exhausted from cooking dinner and washing the carpet after a 7 am - 4 pm class today. So I'll just jot down the principles I used during the discussion.

I believe human are social creatures with the need to band together when presented with a common ground. Similar taste in music, race, fellow countrymen, practicing the same faith, classmates, whatever it may be. From here will come preference and to a degree, favouritism.

In life, we have give and take. Islam teaches us that each relations will come with it rights and obligations. Family have rights obligated from us and we from them; our neighbours, our friends, our fellow Muslims, our fellow human, etc. Each with a different level of obligations and therefore preference and favouritism.

To conclude, "If I treat everyone the same, who will I treat special?"

So when we talk about injustice, whose law are we judging injustice by? In this world of diversity, you cannot make a judgement without considering circumstances involved, namely the culture and religions. This needs a degree of understanding or perhaps benefit of the doubt and tolerance.

And then we have the perspective we use to deal with a subject. Adjectives are really just two faces of a coin. When I was a fresh first-year in Egypt, I considered the Egyptians brash and uncivilised. Nowadays I can see them as out-going and brave, and the change in perspective made me calmer and able to live within the community and this prevented me from stabbing their kidneys every time they cut queues auscultating the patient. 

But then again, this is just my stand. You can keep bashing everything that doesn't comply with your worldview, but no opinion and no one is definite.

---

Because of this, I didn't feel anything when something happened in our class today.

We had an afternoon lecture for two hours straight. The subject was equivalent to teaching Electrical Engineering to us medical students. It was, simply put, beyond demanding. But thankfully, the lecture was in English.

Our doctor gave a 20-minute break before he starts the next hour-and-half lecture. We groaned but we stayed, using the break to discuss the earlier lecture.

Break over and the doctor continued his lecture... in ARABIC. I tried my best to follow the lecture despite my inner self kicking a tantrum. It was a hard subject even in English! It was one thing to just grasp the subject and another entirely to decode the Arab into English while grasping the fast-paced lecture. The fact that it was 3pm and we had class since 7am definitely added to the mental exhaustion.

But I stayed mum because if there is one thing I noticed about our lectures, it is that they are human and they get tired. When they get tired, they use Arabic more than English. The seniors before us endured classes in Arabic and see them now all shiny and lovely living the life as respected doctors.

So I didn't complain and doubled what was left of my focus.

After class, my friend told me why the doctor used Arabic throughout the second lecture.

During the break, one of our diligent Egyptian colleague approached the bench because he didn't understand something from last week's lecture, a topic that was fully grasped by us Malaysians.

The doctor asked him didn't he understand last week, and our colleague admitted he didn't really understand because doctor used English.

My friend continued with a sad expression that our doctor preferred the Egyptian students more, despite his very garang reprimanding them every single time each of them arrived later than the start of the lecture.

"He scolds them because he loves them. And he taught in Arabic because he loves them."

Oh, okay. That explained stuffs. It was at our expense, but it was for the benefit of others and I could see how he came to decide to do that.

I left the lecture hall feeling lighter than the resigned feeling endured throughout the lecture. It felt good to unravel the mysteries of life.