Something to Hang On To

There will be a hallway as I enter the door and a place to store my shoes away. The open kitchen will be on the right with bananas on the counter and the living room on the left. In between, perhaps the dining table to entertain whoever might be attending.

The kitchen will be spacious. I want a full cabinet. Plenty of clear counters to work efficiently. Oven, microwave, most importantly an espresso machine. The place will smell of good coffee.

The living room will have a TV mounted on the wall and the view unobscured from the kitchen counter. Comfy leather sofa, well-worn and slept in. The cat will make way for me whenever I am back. Fluffy rugs that are impractical for vacuuming but awesome for rolling in. A bookcase stowed nearby for the books I need to read while laying flat on the floor.

It will be what it is, a living room. A work station stashed somewhere.. nearby the bookcase. A laptop and charging panel. Stacks of memorabilia. Works in progress. Everything.

There will be a clear wall-to-wall window or sliding door to let light in. The whole place should be high enough to enjoy the city skyline and I can forgo curtains and open the balcony wide open without fear of intruders.

There should be.. three rooms? I don't care, one is enough already. A snug bed with comforter, Kevin lost under the pillows, fluffy rugs in front of the balcony door. A wardrobe for the clothes I choose not to wear.

---

There are some things I wanted that I couldn't bring myself to actively work for. For so many reasons. I ended up hoping I will get it despite not going for it.

Hoping that what I wanted is exactly what God planned to give me, what He dictated the best for me.

After two.. yeah, two attempts at hanging this dream on the wall and hoping it will somehow come true, He turned me down.

It hurts. But hey. Life is a series of lie. It goes on.

Maybe to teach me to not want anything. Leave everything to Him. Just forget about this aspect of life and do whatever else I am in control of.

I can't kill this off. So maybe I should divert my attention back to a certain guitarist and... I don't know.

Time is Life

Hi. Has been a while since I last wrote something meaningful. I always write something somewhere but will then find something more pressing to do (like study or sleep or anything) and the writings will end up as drafts for dustbunny collection. Huh.

Quite a pity. Any day I will die and the last thing people remember of me was "the girl who wrote craps" haha. Not proud enough to present this as an achievement to God.

We're having our Obstetrics & Gynaecology End Round Exam on the coming Saturday and Sunday. And then will be a less than a month study leave before the final exams.

And then will be the end of fifth year.

And then will be the last summer holiday as a medical student.

And then will be the start of sixth year inshaAllah.

And then will be the summer a.k.a. study leave before the Mother of All Final Exams inshaAllah.

And then will be the Graduation inshaAllah.

And then will be the working as a doctor inshaAllah.

.... scary. Time in Egypt is running out. I have yet to achieve my niche as a Egypt graduate. I have yet to learn all I needed during this 6 years of learning period. Waa!

Allah, bless this remaining time. Please don't let me waste this life of mine. 

Mama, I love you.

O&G for me is the most frustrating subject. I can happily take out my Paeds book and restudy it for God knows how many times, but I can't digest this O&G more than once.

Frustrating. I understand this subject, the problem is that it won't stick in. And it's 59 days till the written exam and I'm..

I don't know. I'm a female but I don't feel any connection with this subject. In actual, this subject makes me cringe. It makes me worry of the state of whatever in me in general. But just because I don't like it doesn't mean I don't have to study it.

It was worst before and my focus refused to cooperate at one time. Until I was reminded that I have to study well to ensure the safety of the mothers of ummah and future jundullah.

Make sure the precious ladies of ummah are safe. Make sure I can pick out the impending complications. Make sure I don't screw up and both baby and mother are safe and sound and can continue to contribute to Islam.

Women are so complicatedly created. Please appreciate them more, they're already having a hard time handling their own self.

Allahu ghoyatuna. Go slow if I must, but I can't afford to ever stop.

STEP 2 - The Mascot

It wasn't exactly established that STEP last year's mascot was a giraffe, but everyone considered it as such because the emcee kept having giraffe in his pantuns. So this year, as an animal activist myself, I proposed to my committee's boss that we needed to establish a mascot since the beginning and use it in all elements of STEP 2.

Balqis the Gen 08 niece with last year's mascot. 

I was considering penguin, because penguins are handsome and Allah made them to be a mascot thus need no rationalization why they should be a mascot. Presented to my boss, he said "pelik-pelik la maskot pun nak ada".

Such response was not unexpected, but I was undeterred.

A few days later, Allah sent me an epiphany in the form of white pigeon as our mascot. My reasons were:
1- white pigeon is the universal symbol for peace and no-suffering
2- a symbol of hope between these two conflicting genders

and most importantly,
3- it is Protocol Committee's niche. Heh.

Originally we didn't plan on officially announcing it to the rest of the crew, just dictate that the pigeon is to be used in all designs without telling why, but muallimah asked openly about the mascot during meeting so someone had to answer. The crew's booming reaction was expected (given the third reason) and approval was granted.

Boss was peevish, though. He considered it was a sabotage on my part, but hey, he should have approved penguin while he had the chance. Kehkehkeh.

We then proceeded to use pigeon in the gimmick design and in every single pantun by the emcee. 

Three hours of hard labour with only an hour of sleep, and the only picture I have of it is blurred. I blame the Media Committee boss for distracting me hahah.

Haha. I had too much fun.

Countdown 68

68 days to final and we will be starting ours with Obs & Gynae Written Part 1. The pressure has started to get to us, study groups are mandated (they made me group leader. The first thing I did is name our Viber chatgroup as Study Group 5 Cemerlang) and challenges are being issued.

The race is on. Renew our intentions and ask for Allah's forgiveness. I look forward to winning and collecting my bragging rights May the best wins. Heh.

Dissecting STEP 2 - Prologue

Disclaimer: I promised beloved Fatimah Che Rahimi to share something from our last Friday's STEP 2 - When Mecca Meets Medina with Pak Utih. But truth be told, as one of the committee I spent my time between running around doing whatever God knows and slipping backstage to make sure the guys didn't screw up (okay this sounds so conceited, haha). The only time I was in the hall trying to listen to Pak Utih's talk, my mind was running ahead of me.

Regardless, I want to share something. So bear with me.

The Cool STEP 2 Clan

The first objective of STEP 2 was to enlighten the participants on the differences between guys and girls so as to be better prepared at dealing with the opposite gender.

This is important because whether you like it or not, the opposite gender is a part of your daily life. From your own family members to the people you work with and those patients of yours. If you don't know how they generally work, you'll end up baffled and to a greater extent, stressed and unable to come to terms with the verse that Allah said how He created us in different genders to complement each other.

Puhlease, I'm Not Getting Married Anytime Sooner

Last year's STEP, Dr. Harlina Haliza Siraj said there are three categories of male:
1- your family members
2- your brothers in Islam
3- that special someone
each with their own unique ways to deal with.

So don't limit your scope that When Mecca Meets Medina is all about knowing the opposite gender in order to better deal with when you're married. Heh. Yes you will probably get married one day insha Allah, but there's more to life than getting married. #BukanKahwinJeBest, iye dop? Haha.

I like to quote Dumbledore, "First you have to know, then understand, and only then there will be acceptance" or so he said to Harry at the end of The Fifth Harry Potter Book.

Understanding; Towards Efficiency

Understanding is important for efficiency, which according to Community Medicine means the capacity of proper utilization of the available resources to achieve the operational objective. Guys have their own strengths and limitations, so as girls. Understanding these will better help us measure our expectations and tailor our strategies accordingly.

Some may say I am manipulative, heh. But that's just another way to depict our isti'ab dakhili (What the heck is this, you ask? Go figure, haha!)

As the big sister, I can't boss John around the same way I boss Melle around. Melle will probably comply no matter how I exert my dictatorship but John will rebel just to make a statement. In the end, all I wanted was for John's all-rounded well-being but if my method is wrong, none of us will benefit.

(And I will lose. This is unacceptable because I like to win. Haha.)

Some Guys Can Shop, Some Girls Can Read Maps

Like medicine, there is a whole range of spectrum for a disease clinical picture on a patient. A diabetic patient may present with mild disturbance of vision or Random Blood Sugar above 300mg/dL and comatosed with diabetic ketoacidosis. And in life, just because I am a girl doesn't mean I hit like a girl. (It is amusing that guys and even girls have recently taken the habit of calling me "akhi/bro".. but I feel like hitting them all the same.)

Splitting people up into guys and girls doesn't mean they are equally categorized. (Or is this the right moment to throw you a fact that "there are three types of people on earth: Guys, girls and Hana"?) Stop for a moment and throw away the generalizing dimwitted "All guys/girls are the same" mentality.

Girls are generally better at being domestic, but I am not at par to the average of them. I know for fact that Abang Effy is better domesticated than I can ever be. On the other hand, you can depend on a guy to not get you lost but trust me when I say I am awesome at directions while some guys have directional dyslexia, haha.

Subhanallah, Allahu akbar! These distribution of attributes should open our eyes to appreciating individual traits and respect each person as his own unique self. John will always be John and James will always be James and Hana will always be Hana, and each of us can be a better us. I am forever thankful for my parents for treating us siblings differently according to our personalities.

Give No Excuses To Be Weak

"I'm a guy, I don't do multitasking."
"I'm a girl, I can't help that I say something but mean something else."

Let's live in harmony and not play the blame game. Generally knowing how each gender works, their strengths and limitations is not for laughing in amusement, and then that's it. It is not how good you are, it is how much better you are becoming. A Muslim is a better person than yesterday!

So use those knowledge to improve yourself. You know your own strengths now, so figure out how to use them for the sake of Islam and the betterment of ummah. You know your own limitations now, so figure out how to overcome them also for the sake of Islam and the betterment of ummah.

Guys can slowly start to be expected to multitask while girls can slowly start to mean what they say. Life is a journey of self-improvement. Hehe.

May Allah ease us in our path to become a better person solely to please Him. Allah ghoyatuna, right bros and siss?

---

What are those gender differences? Well, that's for another post... maybe. See ya ;)

Second STEP

This is the first time to work for something major for us. The difference that makes me saner and relatively less stressed from my previous work for an organisation is that it is a spiritually-soaked experience. We're a team in which we know what each other is doing. We remarkably remind each other why we're doing this and propel each other up when one of us is down.

It has been a hectic two months, but I'm happy :)

I learned a lot from them so I can only hope they learned something from me. Either from what little I contributed to taking lessons from my lackings. Thank you guys. Allah bless the Cool STEP Crew.

May this experience serves to increase our piety and hasten our pace of amal.

Hopeful to meet them again in whatever field we have.. but I get it if they had enough of me already, wahaha.

Yesterday I Was Considering Ultrasound, Today Pap Smear

Was discussing the health changes of a pregnant woman with Kak Milah and so I told her the subhanallah moments I had while this three days studying for Obs & Gynae. So far we took Hypertension Complicating Pregnancy and Antepartum Hemorrhage for Obstetrics and Fibroids and Cervical Cancer for Gynaecology (thus the title. Lulz).

"To say the amazing power of love and maternal instinct Allah gave to all mothers. They don't know what will hit them when they get pregnant but they still want a baby.

Me, I'm studying Obstetrics and I know (complications of pregnancy). I'm not into that."

Kak Milah laughed. "You don't want?"

Last usrah my naqibah and the others tried their best to brainwash me of the importance and relevance of stepping up from fard muslim to bait muslim. I was being defiant and resisted, but of course the rational part of me agreed they had a point.

But there is no yes-or-no-answer to life-changing questions such as Kak Milah's, haha. The masochist in me likes to complicate simple things in order to exhaust the brain.

So I gave her a shrewd smile. "Well. It is fun to be able to name people, you know?"

The Dean's Building

One of the photogenic site in the compound of Kasr el-Ainy Medical School is the big clock towering over the Dean's building, which makes up part of the old hospital at the back of our school.

Kasr el Ainy's Dean building.

There is a sign near the entrance of the Dean's building indicating it is for officers only and that patients and students should use the entrance via hospital. But it is closest to some part of the hospital so while having my Surgery round, I confidently commute daily through the Dean's building.

Inside the Dean's building is a wide screen television that displays updates on whatever the doctors are having intermingles with motivational quotes. I love those and will slow down in front of the screen as I pass through to see what advice is God partaking with me that day.

Almost all of them I can greatly relate to what I was feeling or thinking on that particular day. Always makes me pumped up.

Dean's building at night. We were heading out of the O&G Department.

For example. Once I was running to class with CNBLUE's Let's Go Crazy playing in my ears. The advice of the day was: "Crazy people who think they can change the world are usually the ones who do."

While I was heading for my mock Surgery OSCE without finish studying, the advice of the day was: "A leap of faith."

Currently I am in my Obs & Gynae round so I no longer use the Dean's building route. But we pass in front of it on the way from the Obs & Gynae Hospital to the mass lecture hall, so loyal me will run inside just to see what advice Allah has in store for me that day.

There has been an ongoing something I am trying to give up on. Yesterday, I received a prank message via a friend and typical me, I overthought. When I passed in front of the Dean's building and peeked inside to see the advice of the day, it was: "Love never fails."

I was laughing exasperatedly by the road, confusing some passersby. 

Today was a continuation of last night's instability I could not find a cause for. I was talking with Farahain while trying to peek inside the Dean's building to see what was in store for me. And guess what?

(O Prophet), it was thanks to Allah's mercy that you were gentle to them. Had you been rough, hard-hearted, they would surely have scattered away from you. So pardon them, and pray for their forgiveness, and take counsel from them in matters of importance. And when you are resolved on a course of action put your trust in Allah. Surely Allah loves those who put their trust (in Him).  

Surah Al-Imran verse 159

Problem solved.

---

I like to think that when you live your life truly believing that everything in life has been written and happens as Allah dictated, then you'll live a life of no worries. Allah's with us.

Just use your heart and brain not to confuse the signals, haha.

There's everything to be thankful for but I want to narrow this post down to my Internal Medicine MCQ just now

Just one word to wrap everything up: Alhamdulillah.

Allah said in Surah Ibrahim verse 7, "If you give thanks, I will certainly grant you more; but if you are ungrateful for My favours, My chastisement is terrible."

It was just me and another classmate taking the exam with the Second Group of Arab Students because we postponed it from taking it on the 3rd November with the rest of the gang. It was Along's wedding date and as the second-borne, it was my duty to ensure the awesomeness of everything. Lulz. Alhamdulillah still granted the opportunity to sit for this exam.

Nearly five months ago that I studied hard for this subject and circumstances left me with Chipsmore-like focus. Despite the time and all, thank You Allah for giving me this brain...

A tribute should also be given to Genius Number One of the class, Abu Zar (Al-Ghifari) who shared his 3rd November answer back then. I think mine was tougher (tell me again what's the DIETARY requirements of a diabetic?), but it was probably my fault for not studying as hard as five months back. Allah forever bless the hardworking men and women of Gen 8.

Yesterday Liyana sent me lunch while I was wrecking my brain trying to focus. It was too much love my heart wept. May Allah love her and her family.

Last night I needed to bully someone so I bullied Kak Amal into making me a rainbow-coloured bead wristlet to match all the outfits I have. Even teased Kak Teha about her relative gangsterism. And this morning, as I struggled to keep my eyes open (figured I would fail, I was studying under the cover. Ingenious.), Kak Milah put a plate of fried vermicelli on my table and Pipah made me a thermos of cappuccino.

... Pipah may be the youngest Ayyashian, but I am definitely the most pampered one.

I can never rival that kind of sweetness, so thank You Allah for them in my life and please grant them the grandest castle in Your paradise.

I have to work harder for these people.

This is Pain Speaking

I don't need a knight in shining armour to save me, for I am not a damsel in distress. Nor do I need a prince to charm me, for I am as easily pleased by a simple witty man.

Where are you, the masseur of my dream?

Hernia. Hernia everywhere.

Dedicated to Syaimaa Ahmad and a fan who wished me early this morning and reminded me to update. Here's a long case for the two of you. Haha.

Alhamdulillah for the smooth exam, whatever the outcome may be. We had three patients to examine with five true/false questions regarding our findings after each case and a fourth patient to take a long case "in ten minutes" to be vivaed later. (Long case in ten minutes examination? My dad examined me a long case Down syndrome and gave me an hour!)

I was the first up for my group. The first patient was a recurrent inguino-scrotal hernia case and the uncle was so eager to help he showed me his hernia as soon as I greeted him. Lulz. I was scrambling to put on my gloves because no one is interested to examine a groin without gloves.

I asked him to stand so I can properly examine him but he refused and told me where to put my hands while telling me about his case in Arabic, using English terms.

Very distracting, but otherwise helpful. I complimented his English and asked for his history while examining the swellings. Even showed me his left hydrocele which I stowed away away away from my focus because that's sixth year curriculum, not fifth. Plus my torch was in my backpack.

My earlier scrotal neck test was inconclusive because it was really hard to do a scrotal neck test with the patient laying down. I asked him to stand up to redo it but he told me "Why? I told you everything already."

Time was up, the begrudging "Move!" was called by the resident. I went to answer the questions and the final question was "The patient has hepatomegaly."

I forgot to palpate for any organomegaly and I blamed it on the chatty patient. But I calmly answered 'false' because the patient didn't tell me he had hepatomegaly. Hahaha.

Case 1
1- content is omentum
2- swelling is recurrent
3-
4-
5- patient has hepatomegaly

The second case was a simple nodular goiter. I was on to palpate her preauricular lymph nodes so I asked the patient to clench her teeth, to which she laughed at me. "I don't have any teeth."

Case 2
1- surface is irregular
2- swelling is recurrent
3- there is retrosternal extension
4- attached to sternomastoid
5-

The third was a subcutaneous lipoma on the left side of the neck. I wanted to examine for its attachment to the underlying sternomastoid but her neck was so redundant with fat that I couldn't elicit anything... lulz.

Case 3
1-
2-
3- swelling is mobile in one direction
4- swelling is sub-fascial
5- surgical excision is the treatment of choice

Picked my last patient who wasn't exactly friendly. I was onto his previous surgical history when he cut me off to reprimand me for mixing female with male verbs. Sobs.

"Are you sure you're not a first year?"

"Sorry sir I know my Arabic is not fluent. I'm working on it."

"You have, what, two years to graduate?"

"Yeah one and half. I'm from Malaysia and we use Malay back in our country, so, yeah."

Cheap excuse but we weren't here to small talk. I was nearly halfway through my ten minutes with him so I needed his full cooperation. He nodded and let me examine his swelling.

Great teamwork with the classmates who got the same case, lulz. We compared and completed the long case sheet while waiting for viva with our senior doctor. I was the first up for my case and the first question after locating the patient was "What's your diagnosis?"

"Incisional hernia from a previous open heart surgery, not complicated."

"Why'd you say it's a hernia?"

"Because it shows expansile on cough and there's the scar of previous operation on it, condition started four months after his previous operation. Gradual onset and progressive course. Increase in size during work, straining and coughing; reduced by rest and laying down. Reducible when I tried to reduce it."

"What'd do you think of the content?"

"Omentum. It has smooth surface and the last part of it was a bit difficult when I tried to reduce it."

"And?"

"Oh. Doughy. No intestinal sound on auscultation."

"Is it strangulated?"

"Nope. I can reduce it, there's no vomiting, no abdominal distention, no colicky abdominal pain, no absolute constipation-"

The doctor blinked. "Your patient has all that?"

"Eh no. It's not complicated."

"If your case strangulates, how will he present?"

"All that."

"No he won't. Why?"

"Eh." I blinked.

"Because the content is?"

"Because the content is omentum.. So there can't be intestinal obstruction." Lulz.

"What will he have then?"

"Loss of expansile on cough."

"Good. So what would you suggest for his treatment?"

"I'd suggest herniotomy and mesh hernioplasty."

"Not herniotomy."

"Why not?" Haha who's vivaing whom?

"What do you think?"

"Erm. We still need to remove the sac so why not herniotomy?"

"Because the neck is large-"

"Oh!"

"-so we just invaginate the content inside and do mesh hernioplasty." He calmly answered his own question. Thanks doc for being patient with me, hopefully this knowledge won't cost me marks.

"Oh okay."

"What other hernia we don't do herniotomy?"

Time to throw darts. Other hernia with wide neck, eh. "Paraumbilical hernia?"

"No. Inguinal."

"Erm. Indirect?" But I clearly remembered discussing indirect hernia with Dr. Hany and we definitely do a herniotomy here.

"Direct. We can just push the content back inside and apply a mesh."

"Okay I see."

"You can go now."

"Thanks doctor. Have a nice day."

AND HARU IS A FREE (WO)MAN! Except I have work to do. After I was dismissed, I went to check for my MCQ Internal Medicine exam and lucky me, the date was out. It was scheduled for this Saturday the 16th.

So, yeah. Allah was serious when He said

Therefore, when thou art free (from thine immediate task), still labour hard,

Surah Ash-Sharh verse 7 

Yosh. Let's work hard.

Family is a tree

We're a family of four. There's me the smart/smartass kid and my cute funny older sister. We have an awesome abah who goes to work and comes home with the spirit of a supermom cooking dinner for us hungry kids. And there's ummi who is too much relaxed, lulz.

Abah ku pulang dari Pattani, Abah ku belikan kerabu perut.

Ummi bawa pulang dari Rom.

I've also a step-kid-bro with whom I have to act more maturely so as not to corrupt him with my badass way.

Family is a tree. It keeps you stable and sane, somewhat sengal while maintaining your thiqohness while going about doing your respective obligations.

dan kerana tuhanmu, bersabarlah

Everyone is working hard and the right thing is to keep everyone's morale up in this trying time. My impatient comments, though good for the end result, will not be helpful.

I'd choose not to care, but they're my bros and sisters (which makes me more liable to hit them because ironically I feel attached to them) and Rasulullah peace be upon him taught us that a person who mingle with people and be patient with their antics are better than those who don't.

We're in this together. We're.. a family, and I'm their annoyed cousin. Can't leave them one way or another. This is my opportunity to be wise on them (instead of the current wiseass), time to be coolly open-minded and to really live putting trust in Allah since the very beginning of effort.

Call me vain or narcissistic. I know that but I don't feel bad cause I'm a badass. Maybe I need to do something fun before the meeting.

---

My phone rang. I forgot to mute the thing before starting. The guitar riff blasted. Three girls looked at each other and giggled amusingly. I hung up and asked what's up.

JJ: Kitorang suka ringtone akak. Terbaik.
Me: Tahu ke lagu ape?
JJ: Tak.
I told them the title and laughed. God, if my naqibah could see me now she'll smack me on the head.
JJ: Balik nanti kita download.

---

NCH: Kenapa kita bincang soal anak miskinah?
Me: Sebab dia kacau geng kita (otw nak pergi usrah).
NCH: Tu dia.. ayat macam gengster.
Me: Hahaha.