With Arms Wide Open

I've always been crude but I know I'm a good kid. Because whenever I become crude, I feel bad afterwards.

This month's pledge is to keep silent when I have nothing good to say, keep silent when I want to be cynical.

Family are like air

What does it mean to be excited when you see someone? I grin and run up to certain people when I see their back, while some other people I'd just.. Not react much.

Today I was walking back to my ward from the parking area when a familiar voice called my name out. I turned around and it was bro standing in front of the canteen.

"Tiqs, what's up."

I looked at him, not really answering.

"Makan kat kantin?" He probed.

"Tak.. letak barang."

And I walked to where I was originally heading. I then turned around thinking I have fifteen minutes to kill before my course resume and maybe I'd hang out with him. But then I decided to head on.

"He's an adult." He doesn't need company. But he would like, I guess. Nevermind it's too hot I should get indoor asap.

And then it occurred to me. He called me out when he saw me. That's admirable. I don't think I'd call him out if I see him not even going my way.

But I'd run over if it was Vicky. Haha. It occurred to me that Luqman is a brother. He's family and he can get away with anything from me. But you don't go huha on family, they're like air. Silently important.

Child-friendly monsters

I'm always amazed when people become so selamba with me. Like yesterday's call my MO Dr. Yufi asked during rounds

"Dah amik ke BUSE dia? Owh belum amik blood lagi la bro."

Afterwards I was readying for a lumbar puncture but he said "Lepas ni la aku nak kencing jap." And he kept switching between "aku" when talking and "saya" on group message.

I was between laughing at such selambaness and thinking why was he so aloof and friendly, I don't remember him being such when I first work with him in NICU. Have I gave them aura that I'm aloof like that? I thought I behaved better than this... at least I try to.

It was a fun call. I have always liked Dr. Yufi because of his cool persona, his hair are always well coiffed and he has one of the coolest guitar riff opening ringtone out there. And since he was selamba I also went selamba with him and asked for one branula insertion without even attempting for that baby cause I was tired already don't want to bother, and we only have one branula left in this entire ward. When I asked for blood as well, despite the baby's tricky line, he went aghast "Seriously?" which reminded me of my own habit to which I snorted a reply "Seriously."

I believe that babies understand as much as us adults and so I talk to them like they do. I call them adik or by their name if they're already named, and don't do baby-talk. It was cool that I see Dr. Yufi does the same.

I guess people lose their inhibitions during oncalls. We're just so tired we don't bother anymore. We play with the babies as we run pass them because they're so cute and buncit and they're a joy to be around except for their maddening crying. I've squatted on the floor before, clutching my head in the presence of all my MOs during last call because I was exasperated with the day's jonahness, I think they thought I lost it.

---

I never call my female MO by "kak" before, I only address them such after I leave the posting (except Kak Lin in Ortho because she's so chummy with us). Cause it feels sort of like we're chummy but I don't really know these people.

But in Paeds they all address themselves as "kak" and sometimes I still call them "doctor" especially when I'm not so familiar with them. Guys of course I address as "doctor" though behind them some I address as "abang" like my favourite Abang Badddd #matabentukhati

One MO Kak Emas, she amazed me by calling me Tiqs. I don't know if it's the norm to short Atiqah for Tiqs, but in this hospital only Luqman calls me that. I wondered if she heard him call me that.

Cerek

I remember he was quite a kerek MO. He was officially my superior for a week period when I started Urology, otherwise I remember him as a friend.

There were only two HOs carrying out the AM round plan for that day, Afiq and I. The rest went to clinic by lunch time and had lunch together with the MOs and surgeons. It was nearing 2 pm and soon the MOs will come for PM round. I just finished my end of the job, prayed Zohor and managed to PM review two acute bed patients.

He came for round and approached the patient that I unfortunately didn't manage to review yet. He looked through the ticket and saw no PM review yet and asked me about it.

"Tak PM review lagi?"

"Sorry, yang ni tak sempat."

"Houseman ramai dalam wad buat ape." He said tonelessly. I didn't answer him back because in my heart I was glaring him dude there were two HOs in the ward, I did what I could, the rest went for the lunch party that you also attended, and I haven't eaten yet so please not another word.

So yeah. He can be a kerek MO sometimes..

Cuts of fresh fruits off a stall

Just a memorial update.

Today is happy. I got off work on time, then Kemal messaged saying they're at HRPZ to visit an admitted family member so I went there running to meet my niece Aya Safiyya and she is the cutest thing subhanallah cannot tahan. Perfect little girl she is.

Then I went home and napped hahaha. Woke up lazy and replied a colleague's message regarding patients, then suddenly bro called asking out for a ride. He later politely discouraged me from sleeping until so late in the evening and I was almost surprised he didn't diss me, must be in one of his reminiscening mood why else would we go out?

You know what, for the last two weeks I was merajuk with him twice (my style of merajuk is to not talk to you for a while later be normal, no need pujuk me I can pujuk myself because I am a self-sustaining rational person) because he was verbally harsh at me on the phone over a case then during rounds. I took him personally and on that Thursday I was chirpy when Mr. Ruzaimie talked to me "Awak tak ikut round ayah awak ke?" "Tak habis review patient lagi bos." but I didn't reply him nor even look at him when he joined in our conversation with what I took as harsh personal remarks on me "So awak dah pandai sangat la?" (cause I was not following rounds) and later at the end I gave him a semi frown "I'm not talking to you" because he was persistently talking to me. Later I felt bad, I should not be rude to families. But now that I think of it, I don't remember him ever be harsh when it's just us talking personal things. I should keep note of this.

Anyway I went out around 1830 hour, we went until Chinatown with solat break at Masjid An-Naim... and dodged a bullet when I came home around two hours later.

All I can say is, if you wanna go far and fast, you go with a bro.

When we took a break at Hayaki, I saw Bang Aslam! I called him out and he grinned at me "Macam kenal."

"Atiqah! Saya tak pakai spek!" Haha I would have told him off how dare tak kenal saya but was too excited to see him and I introduced him to bro.

On a side note, I introduced him as "ni abang" and later in our conversation I was praising Dr. Badrul my NICU MO saying "I'm even calling him abang now" in which bro commented "geli la panggil abang" and I disclaimed "behind him la, depan dia he's still Dr. Bad" that made me think I hope he didn't find my introduction as repulsive, hope he gets that I consider him family and not panggil him one. God forbid, I only call seniors I've known pre-working era who is born before 1988 as abang.

Man I miss Bayep.

For the love of sneakers

I had my off yesterday and I'm working all through this weekend. I like working on weekends because I get to wear my sneakers... but then I remembered what my dad told me earlier this week.

"Kakngah jangan dah la pakai sneakers pergi kerja, even weekends." He said with a grin. "Nampak macam budak2 sangat."

Enough to say I was stunned. Dad rarely gives me direct order like that so when he does I know it's really something which bothered him for a while. And I'm a good kid, I don't disobey a direct order.

So yeah. Tomorrow I'm working on a weekend and denied wearing sneakers. I WANT TO CRYYY SOMEONE BETTER CHEER ME UP CM :'(

They told me to not be a girl

We have a baby under our care at the NICU planning for a radiological investigation soon, but Fateh is still ventilated and who is going to accompany the baby; ICU team or the instigating team? Today our surgeon asked me and I said

"Ikut hati saya," while making forms for the blood I took. "Saya lagi confident Medical hantar patient dari HO Surgery."

Because let's face it, can they manage the ventilation part? When I was in Surgery, I couldn't.

"Kenapa kena ikut hati kau. Penting ke." Dr. Zafran taunted.

The MOs are used to bickering with me and it has become a regular for them, but I'm getting tired of being constantly treated harshly by the people I like. I know we're friends and we hang out together, but when we're talking about cases do I have to even request we be civil and professional? In front of the bosses no less?

So I answered sharply. "Penting sebab saya yang jaga dia." And that shut him up.

Afterwards I asked Luqman of the plan he wrote when Mr. Ruzaimie saw the case that I referred last night.

"What was the first word? I couldn't read your writing."

"Spigot."

"Oh okay." I'll look it up, I'm not familiar with that term.

He was shutting the door behind him when he answered me but he made a double turn.

"The eyes don't see what the mind doesn't know." And then he left.

I held my tongue from making a comeback. I know he's in a midlife crisis but there was no need to be hateful like that. And what I asked was regarding a case, nothing personal. So why make a personal comment?

It's a good thing I am becoming a surgeon because I have a clear vision of what I want. Had I been a lesser person I would have abandoned these people. The surgeons are great, Dr. Aizat and Dr. Vicky support me academically, my sisters are amiable with me but these two idiots for MOs are pushing my limit, Luqman especially. It matters to me because I consider him my bro and I am stupidly sentimental, and he and Dr. Zafran are pushing it. Don't they see the lines between friends and professionalism?

If this happens again, if they can't stay professional and I keep taking this personally, I'm going to say "that's it" and walk out of this brotherhood.

I should act more like a lady (keyword here is should)

These three days has been fun. Whenever I'm bored I will naturally follow my bros around; one is ongoing midlife crisis, another who introduced me to his colleagues as "my boss" or "who is making my life miserable" and another one is a natural bully me.

I learned a lot from Dr. Zafran but he's a funny crazy guy so I naturally became relentless and talked back making their colleagues lifted eyebrows in surprise.

"MO ke HO?" Dr. Mad (was MO HRPZ) said.
"Saya HO."
"Macam ni ye HO sekarang.." Dr. Zaim (V's first year colleague) said.
"Dengan Dr. Zafran je saya macam ni." Sambung gaduh dengan Japran.

One time I turned to kopiah-wearing Dr. Fadli (was MO HRPZ) after Dr. Zafran wouldn't stop annoying me and I asked

"Masa Dr. Fadli MO HRPZ memang layan HO macam ni ke?"

"Haah kami memang layan HO macam ni. Kami siap digalakkan lagi."

"Nevermind I asked the wrong guy.."

---

Today Dr. Zaim addressed me by my name. I think I might have been too reckless here.

ASPS 2016 Precongress Meeting

L smiled at me. I know that smile.

"Tiq, tolong ambilkan bag (pendaftaran) for me."

Nice me went and dealt with the secretariat. This dude didn't register with his proper name, nasib baik this then-reporter had a penchant for remembering people's full name. Came back and handed him his.

Japran: Mane aku punya.

I glared him but nice me went and met the secretariat again. She obviously sympathised with bullied me.

Me: Nah.
Japran: Buatkan kopi sekali.

My legs moved to play the servant role but I might spit in his coffee.. so I said no.

---

Dr. Fadli: Eh cite la pasal xxx.
Mustaq: HO tak boleh dengar.
Me: Okay. (Stood up)
Mustaq: Ala gurau je.

I went away anyway because I'm nice and don't do gossip. I left them boys to what they do best (gossiping) until later Mustaq called me out.

Mustaq: Hang pernah tengok Ghostbuster?
Me: Tak.
Mustaq: Duduk sini semula.
I dragged my chair into their cycle.

Camne tak dapat prostate asyik lepak dengan abang2 je, tapi kakak2 tak ajak lepak sekali hmm.

Dad said surgeon is pulling my leg but cmon I'm having a heart attack now

I was on clinic duty today and was busy until 5pm. I trotted out towards Anggerik hoping to catch a surgeon to guide me with the ASPS poster. When I got there Mr. Ruzaimie was in the house discussing with my MOs and I plopped my head on the counter silently until boss turned around to notice me.

"Salam bos. I need help."

Boss went through my abstract and gave pointers. "Get ready with the questions they're going to ask you and rehearse to answer in one minute. Rehearse baik-baik sebab saya tak rasa saya ada untuk tolong korang. Masa tu waktu makan."

"Bossss jangan buat saya macam niii." I squirmed like the #HOpalingmanja I am.

Then I realised they're not treating me like a houseman. Told this to my pops and he was gleefully laughing at me. Yesterday I merengek to abengoh as well and he laughed at me.

I know I know, in the past HOship is only for a year and logically once you finish HO training for that posting you are basically a junior MO there but WHYYY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEEE

Just now I sent boss a copy of my abstract and he replied with

"I just downloaded dozen of papers for you."

Thanks boss I feel so manja now. Sobs thank you boss. Gastro round on me.

---

So Dr. Zafran was pissing me off then he asked for my journal subscription password.

"Why should I give my password to you."

"Sebab kitorang jumpa ayah awak pagi tadi. Minggu lepas jumpa abang awak. Kakak ipar awak pun dah jumpa. Habis satu family dah jumpa."

"Ape kaitan pagi tadi saya pun jumpa ayah saya."

I gave him anyway. Back home I asked dad if he met the Surgery team this morning.

"Haah papa on the way pergi klinik."

"Diorang kata apa."

"Takde pape. Diorang senyum dan tegur papa."

Bwahaha ingatkan discuss benda serius rupanya standard anak buah jumpa bos je hahahah.

Let's sleep

I was on postnatal ward duty with Pofin yesterday and we realised we haven't worked side-by-side in a long time.

"Bila kita nak oncall sekali. Malam tu gerenti tak tidur," Pofin commented.

I rolled my eyes. We both are jonah people and I love this guy but not enough to sacrifice my sleep for him.

That's what sisters do

For the upcoming ASPS another houseman by the name Jihan is coming. She is a final poster nurtured by Mr. Tar as well. I've heard her name but I don't know her.

"Stay with her in KL. Keep her company."

"Why. I don't know her."

"Get to know her la. Give her a call."

"I don't know her. I should not be talking to strangers. Kalau dia lelaki takpe jugak. I'm straight."

"Then you go stay with Vicky la."

"Stupid."

---

"Actually you ate my favourite part of the chicken."

"I did?"

"Yes that's my favourite part of the chicken. Don't let it happen again."

"Okay I'll remember that so that it will happen again."

"Are you trying to piss me off."

Referring cases to bro be like

"Salam Luqman, Atiqah ni HO Paeds dari SCN-"

"Cut the formality. What's up?"

"Nak refer baby from SCN for liver biopsy."

"Okay tunggu situ. I'll go find you."

Fastest referral ever. But why want to find me. I want to go home and sleep. It was straightforward he should let me sell my case then decide whether it warrant Surgical review or not. But nevermind otherwise I wouldn't be seeing him.

Maka mengantuk la budak postcall ni tunggu abangnya tak sampai lagi. How did I got caught by my MO to refer cases at noon?

Bro came. Discussed case with him. Bro clerked.

"So biopsy ni bawah Radio or bawah kita?"

"By kita you mean?" He grinned.

"Surgical." Of course.

He grinned wider. "But you're in Paeds."

"Yes. Fine nevermind."

"You're in the team."

"I know."

He sat down to write his review and asked "Surat referral mana?"

"Ops."

"That's your excuse? I expect higher from you."

Later bro took his leave.

"Thanks for your time."

"Thanks bro."

"Though a waste of my time."

"Thank you for your company."

I didn't spend time with the Ortho crew for nothing

I don't watch Malay drama because our industry sucks. So I watch English drama hoping they will not suck as much.

I was watching Hawaii 5-0 and Chin was fighting this villain and he threw the bad guy out of the window, down the five storey building and camera showed poor guy fall buttock first onto the roof of a car.

Ooh nice fall. Dude not gonna make it. That's a fractured ischial tuberosity up to coccyx, vertebraes fracture, cerebral concussion, what else. Even if he survives this he's not gonna be walking again, spinal cord injury this bad.

So the crew came down to see the body and I was surprised body not there. I was pissed.
What the hell I've had patient fall from a lesser height and couldn't even move his toes! Gaaaah what is this medical miracle!