Rebel without a cause

I've always had this habit of cutting my bangs off whenever I'm tensed, or disturbed, or whatever. Hold a scissors to my forehead and snip. It's probably a subtle way at body harming because I'm at my limit in hell but I don't want to go to hell for real. So I cut my hair instead.

But things escalated.

First it's the tattoo-like henna I had drawn over my forearm. It was in December and Ara suggested we get hennaed because it was almost her wedding day. I had a tribal design hennaed over my wrist, just hidden under my long sleeve because I have work and tattoos aren't allowed in our professional conduct. RM 15 from a booth set up in the middle of Imago. Their store was in Karamunsing but I forgot to get the details. Mr. Ashok commented it was pretty and I told him I had it done for a wedding.

Then it was Jiha's wedding in March or so and I had a dreamcatcher drawn over the whole length of my forearm flexor. In bright red, RM 20 from PinkyToes Nail Spa in Centre Point. Chung said I had tattoos now. I didn't deny.

And then last weekend. I just had to. Went to Centre Point three times just to get it done (first PinkyToes was closing, second the shop wasn't up and open yet, third they effing ran out of henna dammit) before I went to the more expensive but too floral designed Pretty Hennababy in Centre Point. Paid RM50 for a floral design over the whole of my flexor in black.

I loved my first one best. This third one looked like I drew on my forearm with a Sharpie. Anaes MOs kept commenting did I get tattooed or something and I pulled down my sleeve in response. That day in OT I kept thinking what Jiyong's mom once told him

"If you get any more tattoos you will look like a dirty beggar."

I really did feel like a dirty beggar and I scrubbed it off this morning before work. Lasted only six days. Plus I had a bruise nearby it from the lid of the biohazard bin closing onto my forearm and it was hideously purple and the whole thing just made my forearm looked like a mess.

But then tonight I plastered a temporary tattoo on my arm. What the heck is going on with you?

Second it was the hair dyeing thing. My hair is burgundy close to a dirty dark shade of purple now. I first had it coloured when Nisa suggested we had it done just for fun. When was that again?

Then I dyed it again in April because I was damn stressed with the exam. And then again today, because I want it bright red before I turn 29.

The bad thing about looking young is I forget I'm old and only getting older. I'm gonna be 29 after this weekend and damn me do I know how old that is? Let's not even talk about accomplishment. What do I have to brag about?

Yeah that's it. Nil, nada.

We're being sent away because you're manja

Today I was excited and pumped to plan for the rest of the year.

And evening come with news that we might be sent to Lahad Datu instead of Keningau, and you sulked because LD is far.

There's a reason why we haven't been to LD yet. It's too far to drive to. Yeah. So?

With your mood, I guess planning ahead is something we'll take slow.

Just go sleep. Think about celebrating the first anniversary of The Great Seungri tomorrow. Think about the roadtrip next week. Think about where to get the best sunset in Fukuoka.

I don't need a reason to love them but

What little time I've spent with the Limbang Princes has been eye opening.

Pofin and Faez may be idiots but clinically I trust them. They've always been one of the most reliable colleagues I have when we were in HRPZ and as MOs they're the ones who established the ETD Department in Limbang. Faez is basically their HOD.

And career wise they are driven. The first question Pofin asked me when I met them yesterday was "So Atiqah, apa progress?"

They sat for BSE last month or so. Results out in a week. And next week or so they're going for Masters entrance exam. What do you know. They're still the laid back idiots I know and love but professionally they're something else.

Me? I replied him with a shake. "I'm doing my General Surgery rotation soon. And I'm never taking exams again."

Fooling around with them was fun, but
I need to grow up. I need to be career driven as well. I need to step up my game.

Friday nights for partying

On Tuesday I found out Pofin was coming to Tawau for the Borneo Trauma Update from Syukri and I threw a fit. That bastard didn't even tell me about it!

I called him immediately, tapping my feet angrily while waiting for the elevator. I don't ever act like this but this is Pofin, he's my favourite bastard, his name is on the left lobe of my liver and I specifically told him I will block his number if he didn't meet me when he comes to KK.

And I don't really call people but there I was giving him a call in an accusing tone acting like a clingy girlfriend asking why was he in KK but didn't tell me about it.

He was surprised and asked me how did I know. I could imagine him looking around as he thought I was in the airport as well (he and Faez drove from Limbang and just arrived at KKIA for their flight to Tawau). I pffed him and told him that wasn't the point and that I was oncall and was at the hospital. He then explained himself.

We were cool after that haha. It was fun being dramatic for a while. I asked him when he's coming back to KK. He said on Friday. I said I'll go see him after work and he said okay.

And so Friday came and I was looking forward to dinner today. I texted him and he said Eddy was gonna take them somewhere first and he'll text me afterwards. I said okay but I was feeling peachy. I thought we were gonna have dinner together. I didn't have lunch and I was hungry. I wanted to eat with him.

So I was waiting for him hungrily. I watched an episode of Korean drama thinking it's a given that I wanted to see him more than he wanted to see me, I mean I've always love more than I am loved. I was sulking and then Luqman texted regarding our trip so I thought maybe I should just stay in tonight and settle our trip things.

At eight Pofin called me. I glared at my phone. He made me wait, let's make him wait a bit. I didn't even reply his messages after that. He called a total of three times in half an hour and I just kept on sulking while settling my trip thing.

Then I realized sulking only made me hungrier and pining more to see him and that an hour and half later was when I finally reply him. And I was glad I did.

As I put on my jacket I asked Luqman if he was gonna look through accomodation tonight.

He said he was.

I told him "Friday nights for partying" implying I was going out.

He said he was too old for that.

I should have replied him good night, but I don't have that kind of polite etiquette. So I didn't reply anything.

I went out and met the boys, where conversation and laughter flew fluid like old times. We finished our food and the boys were heading next to karaoke, but I didn't follow them to their car when they crossed the road towards it because I saw the time was 11.30pm already. Pofin looked at me surprised and said

"Eh Tiqah tak ikut (pergi karaoke)?"

I said no and waved them off. He said he'll see me tomorrow.

It was totally him to expect me to follow them but I know where my limits are. It was bad enough that I was going out with three guys late at night and now smelling like smoke and sweet shisha, I think my parents might disown me if I hang out with them past midnight at a karaoke bar.

I walked towards my car. Yup, he's definitely my favourite bastard.

bebeh

We had a chronic HO once, or you can call her our ward adopted child. She's cheeky with a belly bigger than her head and doesn't contribute much to our department besides "menghabiskan nasi Likas" and make our day brighter.

She liked that song "Sumandak Sabah" so much and will shake her tiny hips to it. I used to make fun of her "Kau sumandak Sabah kah? Kau lawa kah? Kau pandai kah masak nasi?" but she will laugh happily at me probably thinking I'm praising her.

They were playing that song in OR today and thus my kinda mellow mood.

We discharged her to her biological mother what three weeks ago and have lost contact with her for the past week. I did the discharge, the casenote was too thick for me to bother with so I wrote a one-page summary basically on how to take care of her and to just give me a call if any more information is needed. We decided we didn't want anyone using her summary for sympathy and personal gain heh.

She's a strong kid. I told her to take care of herself, come to the hospital if she's sick and don't die at home when we parted but she only screamed at me for hugging her too tight. Brat.

She left her walker's musical thing in ward and yesterday one of the student nurses lighted that thing up and the annoying music come to life and the staff nurses and I all turned to (jokingly) scoff at that student.

"Jangan disentuh benda itu, kau mahu guris hati kami semua kah?"

Thinking of her makes me happy, I hope she will always be happy and healthy wherever she is. 

Edited February 2021:

She was later adopted by a police couple in Tawau and so far came for her TCA in Tawau. They always send me videos of her when she does. I'm not sure what name she goes by now but she will always be Bebeh or Putput to me.

I'm always appreciative of my Anaes colleagues. I used to be one of them.

It was 2pm. I was at the counter, sleepy, lazily reviewing patients. Two small kids ran pass me in the hallway blabbing baby talks and I recognized them as today's post op kids.

Running around kids shouldn't be in the hospital, they should be discharged. I stood up from my seat and ran after them. I asked the mothers to bring the kids back to their bed so I could examine them before their discharge.

The mothers brought the kids back while I went to get my casenotes. The kids were laid down for a minute waiting for me before they decided to up and about. My fault for making them wait. The two of them regrouped and ran around the cubicle. I had to chase them back.

Whoever the Anaes were, they gave hell good blocks. The kids felt nothing. One was a 5 hours post bilateral herniotomy and the other was a 4 hours post right orchidopexy. They were running in ward like normal kids.

The mother looked at me. Will the blocks wear off?

They will, I said, in about 12 hours. That's when we let oral analgesic works.

"Are you busy? Can you come and get me?"

When it comes to giving rides, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I won't let you take a Grab. I'll send you to the airport. I'll drive slow, for the sake of spending time with you.

But to ask for your time for me? I won't do that. Because I don't expect anything from you.

I remember how I walked home from KB Mall in the spring rain because my parents couldn't fetch me and I didn't want to call anyone. I thought of you, I thought of another friend. I didn't trust taxis, so I ended walking almost an hour in the rain.

Or when I was admitted and I didn't tell you nor the team because I imagined I would be sad if you guys knew but didn't come visit me.

I know how I feel about you, what you are to me. But I don't care how you feel about me, what I am to you. At times I think I'm appreciated as much as I appreciate you, other times I think I'm too much for even expecting anything.

Do I value myself less? I think it's me being selfish. I become loose so I wouldn't be hurt.

Luqman is here

Went to KB yesterday with Luqman, Mizah and Kudus trying to catch a glimpse of Aki in the rain. We played poker and we did.

In between me bitching I shouldn't have slept all night last night and finish the MC script so that I could enjoy Sunday with them. But I slept all night last night and now poor my MC partner waiting for the script.

"Kesian Elango" was my mantra as I tried to motivate myself to finish it with my laptop on my lap somewhere in Lasau Podi, surrounded by beauty and cow's dung.

I finished it and emailed it to him before 7pm and drove us back to KK.

Today was Day 1 of the event. I tended to Luqman and he went to eat with the kakak-kakak while I did my work. And then I came back to check on him if he needed anything and he was then talking to my MC partner with his louder, kidding tone.

"Hey bro kenapa you marah Atiqah semalam?"

I grinned mischievously and went to hide behind Luqman, mimicking a kid hiding behind her protective older brother. Elango was spluttering and I caught a glimpse of his awkward, don't-want-to-get-in-trouble face while the kakak-kakak laughed at me. Then I left to continue my work with happy skips.

I guess I'm just a kid who wants to be pampered once in a while. I've been good on my own, living here on my own. Please praise me, do scold me and let me sulk for a bit, and please shower me some love sometimes. Just for a second. Let me feel vulnerable and safe for just one second.

And I'll skip happily back to reality soon after.

Specialists nowadays are young

I was standing in front of the elevators with the broken button, just staring at the numbers absently. Both elevators were coming up. I looked outside to where the sun was setting blindingly before turning back to the moving numbers, shouldering my heavy bags. I wanted to go home.

A girl appeared on my right and waited for the elevator with me. She noticed the button didn't light up and went closer to hit it.

"The button's broken," I quipped absent-mindedly. "You either go to the fifth floor and wait for it there, or you pray someone's dropping off at this sixth floor."

She stopped and nodded at me silently. I was obviously doing the latter. I noticed her eying me up and down but I merely stared at the moving numbers blankly.

"Are you a medical officer here.. or are you a specialist?"

That made me turn. Whatever made her think the latter? She was talking to me with confidence laced with cockiness of a seasoned medical officer, but she didn't know who I was and I've never seen her around. She must be new.

"I'm Atiqah, a medical officer with Surgery," I turned my head towards the direction of my ward. "And you are?"

"Ulfa. I'm a first year Paeds trainee."

"I see. Welcome to Likas."

"Thanks."

The numbers stopped at Five and it went down. I sighed. "Looks like we gotta go down."

In which Bebeh went back to Tawau and Atiqah needed IV in the evening.

Today deserves a post for itself.

Junainah arrived from Tawau and we discharged Bebeh.

I'm gonna miss threatening her to behave by shouting out Chung's name. "Chuuuung tengok Putri ni." Chung is in UKM now but his name still gets her froze up it's funny.

I hope she grows up strong. She's a strong kid.

In the evening I got so sick. I was trying to fast but my head was splitting and I almost threw up in the middle of round. I was squatting in front of the elevator near PSICU and the staff nurse saw me and rubbed my back soothingly asking if I'm okay. I told her I'm not and I need to go back to my ward for drip. I was swaying with my steps and was trembling by the time I showed up in front of my nurses begging for help.

Verron inserted the pink line for me, I gave her my left hand while cradling my head and didn't even flinch because the headache was more painful. Jojie hooked me up to the drip, made the bed for me and got me water and PCM. I slept in the treatment room and Sister Yosima tucked me in. She must have felt sorry for me. I felt pathetic but whatever, I still have to drive back after that and tomorrow's a long day. I thanked all of them repeatedly before sleep claimed me.

I woke up after two hours, the drip finished and they had clamped it while I was out. I sat up, deemed myself fit enough and cleaned up after myself. Threw everything properly. My steps were steadier and I went to thank them again before I went to pray and heat up the porridge I packed for my oncall yesterday. (I figured I'll be sick at some point and bought McD's porridge on Saturday lol imagine the foresight).

Tomorrow I have OT and then presenting POMR at JKN. I don't think I should fast tomorrow. This URTI is seriously screwing with me. Let's get a pneumococcal shot after all this is cleared.

It's June and this is my second URTI of 2019

On Friday I woke up coughing and sniffling. Not good. I had a flight to catch the next day. URTI on a flight means I will be in for a terrible time. I took Clarinase and PCM that day.

Woke up on Saturday with progressively worsening symptoms. Took my meds, caught my flight. Take off wasn't so bad but landing was hell. My left ear was hurting so bad I barely survived by sipping on a box of juice while jamming my finger as tight as I could into my ear hole.

Went back to my place. As expected the symptoms almost doubled. Coughing, sore throat, sneezing, couldn't breathe from all the snot, headache, ear pain, couldn't hear well from the left side, feeling feverish. My last meal was at 1pm and it was past 10pm already and I was hungry. I wanted porridge or soup or whatever I wouldn't need to chew.

I was then crashed on my bed and thoughts went to a recently read story where Ji was nursing a sick Ri, where Ri went into baby mode. I want that too. I want someone else here. I want to be babied. At the very least, I just want a small bowl of porridge in front of me.

That's enough, I said. Let's not be more pathetic, I said. I got up and took another dose of PCM and Clarinase. Took out my phone and opened the app to order McDelivery for porridge. Saw that they closed delivery by 10pm. It was then 10.30pm.

I threw my phone away and tried to sleep. I couldn't, how can I when I couldn't breathe. I was miserable. Thoughts went to that story again. And then to a memory of years back in Egypt when I walked pass this written on a wall somewhere in Mahattah Abou Rish.

Things happen because you made it happen.

So I went into writer mode. I couldn't make you happen, I couldn't make Haru materialize, but I could at least write whatever I want to happen.

Woke up groggy on Sunday and thanked my past self who redid the oncall roster and instead of initially being oncall that day, I only start my oncall on Tuesday. Thanked God for such foresight and slept all day. Woke up late in the evening and drove to McD for my much needed porridge.

Woke up on Monday feeling better. At least the ear pain has gone and I wasn't so light-headed. Went to work after a cup of coffee and my two best friends Clarinase and PCM. Put on a mask and tried to catch up.

Survived my Tuesday oncall on meds BD. Had only two hours of sleep that night I was so tired by Wednesday morning and I wasn't thinking straight. My surgeons forgave me.

And it went for the whole five days of the weekday. Woke up, coffee, meds, mask. Another meds in the evening. The ward's floor stock of PCM was depleted by me.

By Friday I had enough. I still had the intermittently felt feverish and light-headedness. I coughed so bad in the car I coughed out yellow sputum. My snot was not getting better, in fact it was yellow. Since when was it yellow? I didn't know. I haven't been thinking much about it.

I realized then I needed antibiotic. I hated it because I'm not compliant. It's going to upset my stomach and I didn't exactly have a regular meal schedule. But it's been seven days and I couldn't go on with no lights at the end of the tunnel.

So I took Co-amoxiclav in the afternoon. I had them in my bag since I don't remember when. Thanked God for the foresight my past self had to stock on antibiotics.

That evening I had a meeting which I attended with half lidded eyes. The hospital director scrutinized me wearing a mask but I was sure he heard me coughing and sniffling. I wasn't feeling bright though.

But what do you know, the snot improved. I didn't have to go blow my nose every half hour or so. I punched out and went to buy groceries. I felt like I could make dinner for once instead of eating out.

And then it hit me. I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday. God I should have taken antibiotics on Saturday itself, after I touched down. If I was someone else watching over myself, I could have made a sound and objective judgement and prescribed antibiotic to myself earlier.

But I wasn't someone else.

Just now my parents called me. Mom heard my voice and acknowledged that I really was sick. They told me to tell them if the antibiotic wasn't doing its job "because it's not the original Augmentin". Mom said she'll send some to me.

So far away. Like Sabah doesn't have Augmentin in the pharmacy.

They told me to take care of myself. Of course, who else will. Who else.

Today's Song Stuck In My Head is Taeyang's Eyes Nose Lips

We had an intimate open house today and I invited few selected friends I actually want their company. Namely Fadzlin and Bun (the couple had an open house too and they couldn't come but I met them at their place), Hariz, Amyny and Faezee, Hamizah, and Hannan.

It was a fun day. I met them, I was happy. I want to always remember this feeling.

Told Fadzlin of my worries in full length in the limited time we had. I think maybe I need to grovel at Mr. Tar's feet but do I have the time?

Bun interjected here and there, with Fadzlin around I barely need Bun now haha.

With Hariz was a more relaxed conversation. What did we talk about? I couldn't talk as much with him as I wanted because Hadi's chatty friend was sitting beside him. But I felt relaxed.

Amyny and Faezee. Then Hamizah came with Hannan.

Hannan, this guy. Seeing him after almost two years had me hyped. I was really excited when I see him. I never hide my infatuation for him and he never flinch away when I flirted a bit too forwardly so it has always been easy to keep on bantering with him.

I always complain to him that I'm not seeing him much but then I'm the one who forgets to make plans with him whenever I'm in town. I only invited him at 2pm hahaha stupid me and he already had a list of places to go so he couldn't promise. I asked him to "make me a priority" and he indulged me since I haven't met him in a while.

Yeah it's true, I'm the one who likes him more haha.

"Kalau aku tak sempat datang, kau sedih tak?"
"Agak la. Walaupun aku kata agak tapi dalam hati ibarat lurah."

My flight is tomorrow Hannan. If I don't see you today I don't know when I'll see sunshine again. Though he was actually on his way when he called to say that. He's a tease.

We bickered why Surgery nowadays requesting for USG abdomen to treat appendicitis. Our friends let us argue and I was like "tukar tempat!" so that I can sit next to him arguing but the argument dissolved quickly since I explained well why we need USG. Our friends were saying "gaduh la lagi" and Hannan was like "dah setel dah" but of course I have to go and be like "tapi aku nak gaduh lagi" since I was hyped thinking yeay our first fight! Haha I'm such a whore. God knows I haven't bickered with anyone in a long while, I miss doing this.

When we parted I was genuinely sad. He asked me to shed a tear. I told him to stop making me cry. He told me to stop being so dramatic.

Ahh but it's Hannan. I let myself be dramatic with him. He knows I love him. Neither of us know what kind of love that is. I'm really just enjoying Hannan and the freedom he indulges me with.

Bantering is one thing I haven't done since quite some time

I've been doing a lot of reading. You know what I mean, the wrong kind of bookworm. I didn't know which devil pointed it to me when I was a wee teen staying up late for it and it goes on into my adulthood, and now. I still read.

So those readings had me thinking. I've never been in a formal relationship before and it never bothers me. I've always been contend with being on my own, so why am I making a fuss about it now? Why am I now not happy with what I don't have?

Biological clock? The devil again?

I kept thinking about the misses. So I push people away, yeah. To see if they'll stay. To see if they really want me like they said they want. To see what they'll do, what effort will I see.

But they didn't. So I didn't do anything, because they came to me first.

Am I not giving chances? I said no or said nothing at all, they'll either back out or insist a little but never enough to nudge me, and they back out. So it's never me not giving people chances.

What about people that I pursue myself, ones I was interested in?

1- He turned out to be a douchebag. I even cried angrily because of his douchebagness my roommate freaked out because I never cry. I got over it immediately after that. We were both immature in our own ways.

Duration: not more than half a year

2- By the time I realized I like him I was too late, he moved away and moved on. I liked him because he makes me behave but I think I was too wild for him.

Duration: on off for two years. It was a clean cut.

3- It was a fling. He's a good friend.

Duration: fling dragged on quite a bit, but no more than a year though.

4- I know why I liked him. I know he's trouble but I know why I see him as a fresh air. But then I lost interest and I just stopped pursuing. And then I had to deal with my career limbo and had no care for anything outside myself. But I know why I liked him.

Duration: four months of my version of courting

Everything was short lived. I know I have commitment issue. Even at work, eh? How happy I was with four monthly housemanship rotation but look at me now as a medical officer, fidgeting to get away after a year in the department. Of course, multifactorial. But you have to admit this is a trend, an unhealthy one.

Thinking this through I realized I should give the next one a chance. Because I just want to see what kind of person I am when in a relationship. I want to see what I'll become.

But to pursue again? I only do that when someone catches my fancy. I hope it'll be sooner.

My choice of curse word is "bastard" because it's also my term of endearment

[13/07/2016, 22:04]

Btw nak meluahkan perasaan boleh ke
I have this colleague
One of my fave for im not sure why
We call him pofin

Can2 go on

Dia satu intake and we've been working in same posting since surgery
So he's one of the kamcingest la
Kamcing tahap we diss each other
Reliable colleague
Lately he's dissing me more openly
Hahaha
About (insert crush name here)
Coz he's friends with (insert crush name here)
Bastard has been on off mentioning (insert crush name here)
Bukan benda baru
Dia ungkit benda lama

Hahah ke sbb (insert crush name here) tu
Asyik sebut about u as well to him

He was d one yg told me (insert crush name here) liked me
They're not in recent contact
Pofin ni citer benda lama

Haahhahaha apa lg
Ustaz don berkata
Jikalau itu jodoh
Dua dua hati akan suka
HAHAHAHAH #tetiba

Masalahnya i hate this kind of thing

Then just tell it straight to him la
He should understand it considering u r close with each other
Kamcingest buddies and all that

I told him off today
After daily death threats
Harini dalam round
U know what he said to poknik
Tetiba je
"Dr.nik nak tahu scandal atiqah?"
Poknik pun beria nak tahu

Wow
Maybe because u r the joking around type
Dia inggt u r still joking around

But i pressed my pen into his back so dia xberani nak cakap banyak hahah
Insensitive jerk hahaha
Later after round
I told him to sit down beside me
And told him
"aku x tahu kau main2 ke, tapi jangan sebut dah pasal (insert crush name here). ape perasaan kau kalau kau x dapat benda yg kau nak."
"Kau nak (insert crush name here) tapi x dapat ke"
Stupid me i salah phrase ayat
🙄
Hahaha

ahahahaahahaha
Weh lawak
Why u said liddattt

So i stressed back
He replied. "Rasa geram"
"Okay bagus la kau rasa geram. Ape perasaan kau kalau aku asyik tenyeh kau pasal benda yang kau nak tapi x dapat"
"aku akan buktikan dekat kau dengan dapat ape aku nak"
I lost
Bastard
How should i handle this guy
Poknik suggested i tolak him off our fourth floor ward
Less energy used, he said
But he's a reliable colleague
Pofin buat saya teringat (insert crush name here). Which is bad
I need to burn something

Haha for me
Just ignore him

Possible I've become stupid
Okay I'll do that esok