Writing is a loner's way to reach out

I actually have been writing for a long time and at multiple sites. When I'm in a slump, like currently, I'll go reading. My past self sometimes surprise me how I fluctuate but remain unchanged.

I was reading my Wordpress. Don't bother looking it up, I'm the only one who has access to it. It's mostly my deepest darkest thoughts. I haven't update it in 5 years now and it was unnerving to look back at what I wrote. Years back I wrote my profile as "an easily bored person". And yeah I truly am. I won't call myself that now, although I am, but my past self was good at cutting short my bs.

I pride myself in writing my feelings vividly and in details. I've lost touch with those skills.

--

I'm postcall. Tired. Almost felt like I'm oncall again today what with left alone with the ward job after reviewing patients in clinic, and leading PM round. That's usually the oncall people's duty, but we never have a written rule as such.

But this job.. what's important is things get done. Doesn't matter by who or how or what you feel about it, as long as it's done.

Anyway. I was spent. Close to 6pm leaving the ward and I'm supposed to pass up the roaster I made two weeks back. My colleagues had the roaster opened on the computer and having a look at it.

But the thing is, two of my colleagues added request yesterday when I was oncall and I'm torn between my nice by default and wanting to accommodate everyone attitude versus my cmon I told you guys two weeks ago no more requests.

So I threw it to the wind. Screw this, I have work anyway tomorrow. "I need to sleep first."

I went to my car. Plopped down, hit the on button, turned the aircond on, put Fxxk It playing on the speaker. Because I really felt like fxxk it. Stayed there close to an hour because I was tired and unmotivated.

But I was hungry. I only had kuih for brunch and that was all. Poor self care.

I'll buy you food. Just name it. Don't even think about money.
Really.
Cmon. We have to cheer up.
Anything?
The only limiting factor is sobriety to drive there.
Okay then..

So I really didn't think. I ordered all the comfort food I could think of. Warm rice, omelette, sotong celup tepung, and a stir fry vegetables dish. The last one being a reluctant addition to promote better health. Also ordered a piece of grilled lamb chop.

Belatedly I thought who was going to eat all this. Although one personality coolly pays for it, we share one gut system.

Urgh just pick a hobby and stick with it, pick one and stop this childlike whining

Yesterday was Friday. End of the week. I would be oncall on Sunday so I felt pressured as to what to plan for my only day off Saturday.

I don't bring work home. I hate doing work things at home. It belittles the definition of home. So finishing up on my audits and papers are a big no. I just won't do that.

Go somewhere? It's raining a lot these days. The melancholy kind of rain that's mellowing my mood as well. Doing outdoor things is not a good idea, I'll catch a cold. And the car's due for a service but I haven't scheduled that yet. Let's go far once the car's sorted out.

Mall? For God's sake.. I should hang out and meet new people for the Be Brave Resolution, but I'm actually a reserved person. I don't like crowd..

Slack off? I've been having Lazy Off Days a lot lately, it's getting to me.

What do you want?
I want.. to feel something. It's empty.
Need a hobby.

It comes from my flight back to Sabah. I had this conversation with three different passengers.

"Are you studying in Sabah?"
"No. I'm.. working."

They reaction to that was amusing. As much as I'm flattered they see me so young, sometimes it's tiring. Maybe I should lie next time and say I'm a student at UMS, but what if it escalated to "Ooooh my daughter also study there, which year/dorm are you?"

If you tell the truth, you wouldn't have to think about it. I don't have passion left to elaborate lies.

"What do you do?"
"I work at the hospital."

I try not to tell upfront I'm a doctor. I'll answer it if they ask. I don't know why.. Am I not proud? Am I losing interest? Not again. What is this with losing interest in things one by one.

For that, I wish I have a side job. So I can say "I'm self employed" or "I work in retail" or something. Anything.

---

So as I was staring at my wall last night, my phone rang. It was mom.

It hit me that we don't really call each other, so a call really means there's something up. Mom's worried about how dad is. He's stubborn and quiet about his health. Will only tell others when he's on the verge of collapsing, which is not fair to mom.

Are you reading this dad? Not. Fair. To. Mom. Mom cares about you. We care about you. You don't get to choose who cares about you. So please rely on us. At this rate, I'm worried what's next.

Doctors are the worst patients though. I'm just.. it's hard when you're away. I can't complain to mom when she's the one who has to handle things anyway. And this is why I'm in Paediatric Surgery, my patients are kids. Adults are another level of attitude.

I told mom about my ennui. About my want to do something so as not to be defined by my day job.

Mom told me I should be proud of my work. Am I not? Why am I not? That I'm helping others in a way no other profession is.

And she told me to focus.

I told her why I can't. I don't want to apply for Masters so soon because I felt like there's more I should do before I'm tied down.

Of course. She too feels like doing everything and anything. But she's limited by what she can actually do.

So it's genetic.
Yeah. Blame this ennui on mom?
Very adult.

"Like what? What else do you want to do? Online business?"
"I don't know."

That's the thing. I don't know. If I don't know what I want, how can I proceed?

Mom said I should write. I am, here! Ranting. I can't write a fiction because I don't have a plot. My life is so boring... Mundane... 

"You read my blog right?"
"Yes I do."

Hi mom.

---

After mom, I went back staring at the wall. And then my phone rang again. It was Luqman.

Ah. Few days back I was so slumped I called him in the middle of the day scripted with a "Hi are you busy? Can I have five minutes?" And I will seriously time myself.

But the call went straight to operator. He called me back after an hour or so and I was so happy to hear his voice it was worrying. Why is my mood dictated by a person's call. Am I so desperate for a show of attention? It's bad.

"Is it a good time to call?"

"I'm in rounds." I WAS GRINNING.

"I'll call you back later. After work?"

"After work is good. Thank youu." HELL MY CHESIRE GRIN.

He then called me when I was having dinner, so he said he'll call me later after I'm done. I could have talked while eating, but I didn't push it. Maybe he too needed to go have dinner.

But he didn't call me back. I did wait, hopeful a bit, though I didn't really have anything to talk about... maybe about my state. He's a good sounding board sometimes. But I was mostly happy that day after I heard his voice so my aim has been achieved.

So back to my ringing phone. I picked up. We chatted for twelve minutes. He was sober, so he listened a lot and didn't do much talking.

"How's life?"
"Boring."

He said I was too young to have a midlife crisis. He said we've all been there. He hoped I figure things out.

I hope so too.

---

Anyway. Today is Saturday. Woke up early thinking of going for a run and finally buy a bike today, but it was raining. Since last night.

Had breakfast, showered, cleaned the room, then Effa messaged me asking me to assist an incoming appendicectomy. I said I will.

I went out for lunch. Since patient was still en route, I went to the mall. Almost there, Effa informed me patient has already arrived and case posted.

Should I go to the mall anyway? There was a long queue of cars waiting to enter Imago, up until Gleneagles. Ah. I made the trip back.

I reached home at 3pm. And until now 8pm.. case not called to OT yet. I should have just go buy that comforter.

And I answered three calls asking about three different cases. Atiqah, who has a distaste for phone calls, picking up calls on her only day off and all three are work related...

You get my point now? You get why I want to do something else now?

Human are social creatures. They need to talk to somebody.

Yesterday I had company for dinner after having dinner alone since I went back home. It was fun despite me charging a RM75 bill. I forgot how fun it was to have company.

Then today I was in OT elective thus hungry all day and by the time I clocked out at 5 plus, I was thinking of food. To have company was fun, but who should I ask out for dinner tonight?

"I'm hungry," my surgeon said. So it was decided.

Dinner talk was work a bit, gossip mostly. My surgeon also said

"Look at the trainees. They are taking all opportunities for hands on skill. It's always either Che Mat or Chung in OT. Why are the others not doing the same?"

I stalled. There's no excuse out of this. I'm not the kind to say "You're right I'm sorry, will work harder" because I don't think that's the right answer.

"I'm not talking about you in particular, I'm talking about everyone."

I remained stalling. There's no excuse. But I should say something.

She changed the topic and talked about her MOs who are now surgeons and surgeons-to-be.

---

We went to our cars, mine on the opposite side of the road. She called out to me.

"Recruit your team."

"What?"

"Recruit your team. You can't be good alone. You have to have people working together with you. Then only you can all work happily and in continuity. That's what I said to Zaim. He was brilliant and too good, but he then learned to work with others."

"Thanks Miss." I sincerely meant that. I know I suck at delegating. How to not suck at delegating?

Let go. Just go.

People can see when the relationship is a toxic one. There's no way they themselves didn't see it. But what most intrigued me is why won't they leave?

What's holding you back? What are you afraid of? Giving up is good.

That being said, the longest relationship I have is with my career.

Loner ever, loser never

I was planning in my head regarding career advancement while the surgeons were scrubbed in and I got all worked up.

I wish I can cry and throw a tantrum "Moooom I hate using my head warghhh".

It sucks to plan life-changing things by yourself. It's like my life has only me in it. It felt lonely.

Chin up kid. Either you be brave and walk on this alone. Or you be brave and go find that person who means happiness to you.

Nyongtory

Today I cleaned my room. Washed everything, changed my linens, the friends, swept the floor, mopped it, washed the fan, scrubbed the bathroom. Name it.

I need an air purifier. Thought it was easy to buy online from Senheng and pick up at the store but it was fussy. Thought of going out for it but too lazy. Sometimes need a day with no human contact.

Played music and some videos. A lot of videos.

Came to realise that I'm over my Captain America obsession phase... and onto another one. With similar theme, which means I still have the same void. The want to shower that kind of attention to someone and having it reciprocated. Why in a fujoshi form though? Maybe that's how I know I'm straight.

I need a roommate.

Tomorrow start working. Ah. Every week-long leave is like a reboot to me. Now I need to hype myself up for work again.

And find a similar paying job if you want to quit this current one

When parents sent me off at the airport today, dad thanked me for coming home for this one week.

He said although we didn't really do much, he's just grateful I'm home. Someone else at home.

There was a slight sinking feeling at the melancholy of dad's tone.

I feel we need more kids at home. Grandkids. Mom and dad will make great grandparents and any kids will be lucky to have them as grandparents.

Okay. Let's get married this year.

Showing Effort

All this while I thought I'm a brave person who lives freely, but it turns out I'm actually a vulnerable person who lives cowardly.

Today's theme for our two hours discussion is Effort. It solidifies my 2019 resolution To Be Braver. Thanks Kie for being my therapist since 2009. She's waiting for her MMC full registration before leaving to Kulim for her MOship so I don't think I'll be seeing her much after this.

That's how life is.

2019: To be braver and go farther

I should do a recap of 2018, but even my logbook was last updated in Mac 2018 so what do you expect?

I was oncall on the last day of 2018. A very tiring one. I'm oncall again tomorrow so I hope Allah have more mercy on me and let me have an eased and relaxing oncall.

What do I look forward to in 2019?

1) to be healthier. I get a week worth of URTI almost every other month in 2018.

2) to be more well-mannered. More polite greetings, more diplomatic choice of words. No cursing out loud.

Let's stop there.

22 hours for Syaza

Operation was 22 hours. Boss, my registra and I unscrubbed at 15 hours after the adhesiolysis was done.

The only reason I scrubbed out was because other MOs have arrived to relieve us and Miss told me to unscrub because she said I looked out of it. (At 7.30am I was retracting for Boss and didn't retract with the strength he needed and I apologized to him like Sorry Boss, sorry. He said Not your fault, not your fault). Miss The Champion carried on with morning team while the three of us napped at different corners of the OR.

Boss thanked us for assisting the OT and I told him I'm grateful he's giving us this opportunity. Miss in her tiredness ruined the mood by saying we stayed because who else is going to stay? Haha she's right. But I'm a sucker for my Boss and I go where my Boss goes. He operates 15 hours, I assist 15 hours. He naps, I nap. He scrubs for OT elective, I hung around. I'm actually a monkey.

So Boss scrubbed for elective case and I pestered behind him. We were talking about that ED MO who passed away in his car. Boss told me "Atiqah penat, jangan tidur dalam kereta. Balik rumah selamat. Atau tidur tempat ada orang, tidur di wad kalau perlu."

I was thinking of sleeping in  my car actually after been working for the past 36 hours straight. And I've slept in my car on few occasions without telling anyone about it. When I got into my car, I think I fall asleep a bit with the engine running. Maybe 15 minutes? I sobered up, remembered what he said and drove home. And I accidentally dragged my car across the cement pile in the garage.... Urgh.

Yesterday when we were stuck in OT from 4pm onwards, the married guys get a phone call later at night from their wives. No phone calls for us single girls. I don't know what that made me feel, but it did made me think. No one looks out for you when you're far away and alone. Single people have high risk of dying in unlikely places because of this.

So if you're remaining single, then you have to be cautious and play safe. Don't have to Facebook all your activities and locations, just keep a good head and common sense.

Rebel

I got my hand henna-ed the other day. Ara and I were walking in the mall and there's a stall open for that. Ara's getting married soon so she suggested we get henna on. I agreed. Never got one of these anyway.

My only concern is how is my workplace going to take this. You can still be a professional with drawings on your hand, right?

I looked at their selection of designs. I thought of taking their cheapest, RM5. But they're all floral designs. And then I locked eyes on this swirly tribal-like design. The main design will be on the dorsum, a partition on the wrist and extending into the forearm.

I asked the lady to draw the main design on my forearm instead, so it will be subtle and with my sleeves pulled out, can be seen peeking out.

It turned out pretty. Doesn't look like a wedding is coming up. Straight up "Atiqah got tattooed" kind of like.

Maybe I'm in a rebellious mood. Next thing we know my hair will be purple.

Less than two weeks and I'm getting calls again

I was watching YouTube when he called me. It was 9.30pm and by default I don't accept calls at that time, but he's family so I took the call after two rings.

There was a loud music in the background. He sounded a bit higher pitched than usual when he greeted me a "Hi Tiq!"

I immediately laughed and cringed oh God help. "Are you high??"

"Damn how did you know?" And he started his string of F words.

It nerved him that I could smell his state from being so far away, but I did. Because I've seen him high and I remember it because he was odd. His tongue became loose, he became more cheery. He's usually cool and collected, the good older brother persona. I know him enough and I was right. Sometimes I hate it when I'm right.

He kept on cussing but I could only laugh, what else could I do? Why is a father of four, married man, first year trainee high in the middle of the week?

He started telling me about his day. About his current posting and the cases he's seeing. About our friend. How Dato Z caught his attention with his guts. How he's being true to himself. How he thinks things are F up. Things he says when he's high. I wonder who supplies him. I wonder if I should worry about him.

He got extra philosophical and whimsical. He told me good things are never easy. He told me how sad and lonely it will be if at the end of the day you're alone and no one at home for you.

I never really ask him about his family, but I hope everything is well for him. Maybe that's why he talks to me because I don't pry. I'm not good at prying because I don't like to pester. I'm more into as long as you know why you're doing what you're doing rather than the tiny details of it.

It did hit me a tiny bit though. But he didn't suggest I start my own family. He knows I'm fast losing interest in those kind of things anyway. I will make my parents cry.

In the middle of the 30 minutes call, he saw a husky being walked and he got super excited. He asked if he could make a pillow out of it. Huskies are the best, I told him, but if he approached the person in his state they might call the police on him. I told him not to make Mr. Tar ashamed.

So that's how I knew he was outside, maybe in the park. I asked earlier but he only said he was out in his roundabout way of answering so I didn't ask more. He sobered up soon and thanked me for allowing him to call me.

"Thank you for allowing me to call you in this state." Was what he said.

His choice of word was interesting. He's family so I will always take his call. Urgh I had a bleeding patient when he called me two oncalls ago and I picked his call up. But I know me. I don't think I'll ever call him first, or anyone first. I'm lame like that.

It did cross my mind that he's calling me when he got high. He called me not even two weeks back after a night of getting too high. I don't want to ask anything, but I hope everything around him is fine. I hope he's happy and healthy, and I told him that. I hope he got home safe.

He said he is near home. He's always more philosophical when he's high but he sounded more normal by then. He told me to take care and to always have my socks on.

"Don't forget to wear your socks!"

Weird advice. Yeah blister is a bitch. Is this guy going to be okay? Whatever. He'll be okay. He never get easy things his way  but he's always been okay. He's a survivor.

I hope he doesn't get high anytime sooner, but if he does I will remember not to nag. Just listen him out. And maybe call someone in HKL to subtly look out for him. Ask Kak Elli to check up on him?

Crazy is back

Yooo what's up it's Haru and time for some Facts About Mehh

I get carsick.

I don't like to use much effort for eating.

But most importantly I've short attention span.

I have a fixed background infatuation and some intermittent short lived infatuation. Like a patient controlled analgesia using morphine with a background morphine infusion. I can only have one shot of PCA morphine with a five minutes lock or something.

My fixed infatuations are Mitsui and Jackman.

My intermittent 5 minutes infatuations are numerous I always feel embarrassed to admit this. No wonder Pofin called me a play girl. It's not that I'm playing, it's that I'm not really ever damn-I-wanna-live-with-you-for-the-rest-of-my-life serious. So I'm bouncing from one to another. Maybe show some effort for a change but mostly just slacking off.

Should we list it down?

Maybe not. We'll regret this in the morning. Don't write what you don't want to be permanent.

And then I write things down because when it's penned it's out of my mind but always around

The thing is, last night around 8 plus almost 9 Luqman messaged me asking if I'm on tonight.

I was going to ask on drugs or something but I decided to keep my tongue in check and asked "On what?"

"Call."

He wanted to call me. That's funny. I don't remember we ever talk much on the phone. We previously just meet. Or random text. I've never called him for the past year so why suddenly?

Is he in trouble? Or worse, am I in trouble? What did I do?

So I called him. He didn't pick up. He returned the call immediately and said he'll call me in a bit. I told him to call me anytime.

I waited till almost midnight but screw that bugger I need my sleep I've to work tomorrow. When I woke up, I read his text asking if he could call me in the morning or something.

I told him I have locum OT today, so to call me after 1pm. We texted in between cases and I texted him once I was done.

He called me around 2pm. I was having my first meal of the day. McDonald's as usual was a bit noisy so I ditched my chicken, was responsible and cleared out my table awkwardly holding the phone to my ear without it touching my oily fingers. Then I walked off to my car to carry on the conversation.

See I like him that much. Bastard should be grateful.

We talked about how's life and the people we know. One interesting conversation point was Omar is now a trainee doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Luqman just met him few days ago and Omar said he didn't like it.

Me: Why? Omar doesn't like Paed Surgery or he doesn't like being in HUKM?
Luqman: Not everyone is like you.
Me: What do you... Oh you mean he doesn't like Vicky?

Vicky is also doing his Paed Surgery rotation in HUKM. Haha. These people have long had this subtle not subtle beef with Vicky.

Luqman: Congratulations. Right answer.
Me: I've always liked you guys. The only person I didn't like from Surgery HRPZ was Mr. A***.

---

He told me he feels like he's on good term with his supervisor in the programme. But he felt strongly it was because of who his father is because of the comment his supervisor made.

And this is why Luqman is my brother. Because we basically live under the same shadow and can relate to one another.

I just told him "It's okay." Because it is. Can't exactly do anything about it.

---

I admitted to Luqman I'm eying someone but it's a work in progress.

"What's this? I've never heard of it."

"I'm not exactly telling anyone about it." Oh but the girls know because I've always been nonchalant about my crushes heh. I'm seeing things in a rational way. It's good that I have interests, no? Proofs that I have a healthy hormonal system and that I'm straight and not asexual.

"Thank you for telling me. Congratulations."

"But it's a work in progress. And I'm dangerously losing interest. I can't hold my attention long with these kind of things. I have actually turned down four people..."

And this bitch kept count because she's a rational person who knows what she's doing.

Since I'm such a rational person, I know I want to get married. Except not now, not tomorrow. I feel like I've better things to do, and the person I'm eying has also better things to do and doesn't seem like he can handle the commitment. Me too. At least not now.

---

62 minutes on the phone. This was a personal record. I've never been on the phone this long with anyone and I realized why. Because I think I am hard on my hearing. It's clumsy to hear over the phone when both of us like to mumble our words.

And then it hit me. Did he call to check up on me? Because that really what it was. Did he do that because I got all sentimental that one time we texted longer than usual, about how I needed to call him but couldn't bring myself to call him?

Dammit bro. I hope this isn't going to be a thing. I'm a wild kid and don't need brothering. I always come around, don't I?