Every day I'm bothered by how your life depends on how much you can pay. It made me realise how true it is a script from the trailer of Justice League
Flash: What's your superpower again?
Batman: I'm rich.
I want to be rich so that money will never be an issue. And I don't want to work where the extend of my help to my patients depends on whether they can pay for it or not.
Masalah dengan orang Kelantan adalah sudah biasa makan beras seludup dari Thai maka bila pergi tempat yang tiada beras seludup jadi tension sebab nasi tak sedap maka tak makan nasi sudah lama.
Kemudiannya bila balik Kelantan mula la mencari sepinggan nasi. Atau berpinggan-pinggan.
Luqman was telling me how he had a retrocaecal appendix (kid had pain at the flank) last night that he needed two hours, a hockey stick incision and two HOs to take out.
"Why didn't you call Mr. R?"
"Because I know I can do it."
It was preceeded by Abenik sweet talking yet still not calling the case even after Isya' and Mr. R who "suddenly had a sprain."
"And I was like, fuck you old man."
"Hahahahahaha."
Yesterday's exam I made friends with Sarah Ramli, she was HO in HRPZ with Kak Paan and floated in Surgery before she moved to HKL later Penang. Currently ENT in Penang. She was a first poster in Surgery and when she first introduced herself up front, she said she wanted to do Breast Endocrine. Hahahaha.
Anyway, this post is in memory of Helmi. Remember him? He was my second favourite MO after Nasri. My second sunshine in Surgery, officially yeah I admit I had a crush on him. The one whose antics indirectly cheered me up the day after I broke down in Surgery and showed up to work with super puffy eyes. One of the reasons I didn't die in Surgery. Most of the time when I have bekal from home but too tired to eat I will push it to Helmi. I remember he admit "dia selalu bawak bekal tapi aku yang makan" to Azizi on my last day as HO in Surgery.
Anyway. He was sitting for the same England exam as were Kak Sarah, Dr. Haziq and I. Dr. Haziq saw me and asked
"Datang dengan papa ke."
"Sorang la."
"Atiqah selalu sorang, haritu pun gitu jugak," Helmi commented and I know he meant Singapore.
And this is why I'm a tiny bit flustered around him. Because he's a gentleman and treated me like a girl, acknowledged my always running off alone in a way that it was a nod that I shouldn't be doing so.
When I saw him yesterday I told him I wanted a picture with him cause
1) I haven't seen him since Singapore though I sometimes keep in touch
2) he was wearing proper office attire; red long sleeved shirt with a white tie... A tie on a weekend. Dude I was wearing tee, some wore jeans. Helmi is so proper it was cute.
But I didn't get one. Cause I wasn't insistent and Kak Sarah was sending me back to my hotel and her parents were already there to pick us up.
---
So today I was on my flight back to KB and I saw Helmi as we waited to board. I was sitting behind him and I don't think he saw me. But as I sat there, I had a huge internal debate whether to greet him or not. And I know I wouldn't be contemplating had there was another mutual friend with us.
If it was my boss, I would go up and greet in the first place.
A girl I know, I would chat her up but won't go out of my way, unless she's a friend I hang out with then I'd leech onto her.
Guy friends, I'd say hi if he saw me and courteous greetings but nothing much.
Bros I'd give a lobe of my liver to like Pofin and the rest, I'd be running up to them on sight and sit right next to them.
MOs turned friends like the Ortho and Anaes clans, I'd chat them up happily but I won't impose myself onto them and respectfully keep my place.
But the Surgical clan, I'm not sure where I stand with them. I respect them in a different way, more professional, and I try not to goof around too much with them because of this. Some are treating me like friends most probably because Luqman took me in as his ally, but because of stated reasons I'm thus too shy to treat them like friends. Like Helmi here. Like Mustaqim, Omar, Zafran. So yeah.
I'm over thinking, right.
Btw if you're wondering, Vicky is in the Bros category and Luqman in Family, cause when I saw Luqman I'd be like yo sit next to him but not talk to him cause he's family and you don't go huha about family, they're like air.
---
We were the very last to board and I boarded the plane quietly behind him. Got into the aisle, waiting to reach my seat, dude still not seeing me, dude stopped to fit his bag on the overhead compartment, turned around a bit and he saw me. I smiled like I've only just saw him there.
"Hai." He grinned back.
My seat was 10B. 10A and C were occupied by gentlemen. I politely asked C so I can get to my seat but C stood and gave up his seat so I wouldn't have to sit between two guys. Thank you. I fastened my seatbelt and suddenly Helmi who sat in the row behind me called out.
"Duduk sini la Tiqah."
Oh what do you know. His row was empty and he sat in the window seat. I stood up and sat in the empty isle seat, naturally leaving a space between us and thought if it was me I probably wouldn't be calling him out. As we chatted, I again contemplated about when would I be chatting people up, when would I not and the discussion with Haru didn't yield anything new.
We chatted about work. He talked a lot but not in an annoying kind of way despite me still having residual nausea from riding the bus to KLIA. He said his seat was actually somewhere up there but his style of boarding is to board last and sit in an empty row by the window.
Somewhere in between the talk I realized why I had a crush on him then and I acknowledged myself as having good taste in crushes, but nothing more.
At the arrival we parted way. I just said "Jumpa lagi."
I have little tolerance to people who are in my way. I have yet to discern when was I ever nice during dealing with such people, regardless who they are.
Need to work on this.
My bad habit is walking away when people are talking to me.
Either because
I have something to do
I'm tired
I'm done with your bullshit
Belatedly I remember it's rude, but I had my reasons.
Today I learn that Besut Hospital is two-hours per jouney from HRPZ. And to always make way for an ambulance, you never know inside is a doctor anxious for patient to arrive safely and quickly to the destination.
Last HO Teaching today. Mr. (Dato') Anuar was on stage about high risk consent. I stood up to ask.
"Salam Mr. Anuar, Atiqah Hanifah dari Anaes-"
"I know who you are."
I chuckled. "Berapa lama valid consent?"
---
I saw Abenik. I waved at him.
"Atiqah? Buat gapo sini?"
"Saje."
"Abenik baru nok oyak 'MO Surgery buat gapo sini, takdop patient Surgery sini, get out from my ICU.'"
"Haha overrr."
---
I sengih-ed to Boh Yi. "Saya lapor diri Surgery harini bos."
"You better jadi Surgeon ye," the cool grin.
I grinned back sheepishly. I really am sheepish around Boh Yi because he's so cool. And the way he said that... If God ever places me in Anaes, I will pursue Intensive Care with Boh Yi as my guide.
Because he has faith in me. He said I'll become a good doctor. And he earlier on invited me to stay in Anaes and to pursure Intensive Care. That one time he addressed all his MOs after teaching during round and he also pointed to me "Atiqah future Intensivist."
As I walked out of the ICU one last time as an Anaes HO, I decided to build my career in the first department Allah place me in Sabah. If it's not Paed Surgery, it will be General Surgery, if not it will be Anaesthesia.
---
Thank you, thank you. A good end to my housemanship. And in the afternoon JKN Sabah emailed me saying I'm suggested for Paed Surgery posting in Hospital Likas.
Alhamdulillah.
Earlier this morning while crossing the road to work, I met a sunshine who smiled back at me. It was Nash in his helmet on his bike on his way to Wisma Persekutuan.
And I said to myself "nothing can ruin today".
I was oncall with the MO who triggered me to cry when I was with her in OT. The sunshine came at the right time.
I tend to think I'm doing good but when criticism strikes, I'd be thankful for the room for improvement but can't help the little sore part in me.
Am I tak boleh ditegur? That is dangerous. It's almost like I feed on the feel good feeling of knowing I'm doing a good job when it's probably an averagely done job.
How do you balance this? This confidence and this humility? Who do I talk to?
It's not the first time, so don't worry. We'll get over this. It's a clean cut so it'd heal well.
Maybe the next one will be for real, but even if it's not we'll still be okay because we've been through this before. Or maybe we die young and won't have to deal with any of this anymore.
Just aim to be a good person and live a happy life. I love you, good luck.
H
Are you working tomorrow?
Yeah.
What time?
I punch in at 8.
What that means?
Means I work per usual, 8-5.
I need a favour.
What.
I have an early flight to catch.
What time.
It's at 6.45, so I need to be there by-
You need me to pick you up at what time?
6.10?
Okay see you then.
You don't mind?
I don't.
Not too early for you?
Not.
Sure?
I'm awake before Subuh. Esok puasa.
I thought you wake up at 7?
Hahahaha. I wondered if I've told that before.
So I'll see you tomorrow.
See you.
Haru & Associates