Munirah

Our beloved Munirah our sister-in-law's younger sister passed away last night, bravely battled SLE. She had always been the smiley one since I met her in primary school, and in her final days she was always the one who smiled and us who cried..

I cried in my brief minute beside her in the ICU, barely muttering "Ika maafkan Muni, Muni maafkan Ika please" when it hit me what her bradycardia meant. I cried telling her mom to please call her brother home that same day instead of waiting for the next day. I cried while gently tightening the clothe wrapping around her face. That's all I was capable of. And I cried thinking what a devastating loss this is, praying may she continued to be loved by all creatures here and above. This is me, someone not even related by blood. I can't even begin to imagine what her nuclear family are feeling.

Allahumma please forgive her and her family, accept all her deeds, and grant her the grandest paradise with Your prophets and martyrs. Allahumma please grant her family strength and peace in this trying time. Allahumma please let us be gather again, allahumma ameen.

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Keep life simple

I always try to eat dinner at home because that's one of the time we gather. So I'll look forward to eat together once I get home after work. But lately mom's getting tired and this week she didn't cook much.

Today I was on OT duty and didn't have rice all day. Mom picked me up close to 6pm and suggested we go to HUSM and visit Munirah. I was a bit dejected, I needed to eat.

"Tak kisah la."

"Nak pergi ke tak?"

"Ikut la. Ika lapar sebenarnya."

"Mama tak masak pun lagi. Dah tahu lapar makan la sebelum balik."

Now that she said that, I guess I really am spoiled rotten. At work I have Pofin feeding me and at home I have mom. I always reminded myself when I was in Egypt that I myself am responsible for my own meals.

So we got home, I entered my room, put my bag down, passed mom by the door and said "Ika nak keluar."

And I went to Kubang Kerian and ordered food for myself. While waiting for my order to arrive, mom called.

"Pergi mana?"

"Ika keluar."

"Mama masak dah. Keluar pergi mana? Tak kata pun."

"Ika kata kan masa kat pintu tu."

"Pergi mana?"

Should I tell her the truth that I was hungry so I took up her suggestion to eat before coming home? "Keluar dengan kawan."

"Oh ok."

Of course I lied. And tomorrow onwards I'll drive to work. I'll wake up early and sacrifice my sleep for this. I'll be less spoiled.

my aging bro

nowadays commuting to the airport is the only time we meet. and luqman seems older nowadays. he's in a somber mood, feeling-old vibe, can't stand a single song Japanese, and always seems to be reminiscing.

"How long have you been in O&G?"

"I think I have about 40 days left."

"Time surely flies."

"I'm going to Anaes next."

"Final posting already?" he seemed surprised.

"Yeah."

"House officer becoming a medical officer.." in a lonely tone.

"It's almost two years already. You're getting old."

the last time he acted like an annoying teenager was when he entered my car, blasted the air-cond and radio volume max, synched his phone to my car so that he can play his techno music out loud, that was what, three four months ago? 

Work like a dog

I'm so tired. I get home and I sleep. Wake up and go to work. Such a useless life. Why did I study all this time for such a life? No money is worth the time, and not on this relatively meager amount.

Vicky told me to hold on and to take the April exam. I tell you, at this rate, I'd rather save up the money while finishing my housemanship then take a long break and spend all that money wisely, like a trip to rock festival in summer Japan.

Still have to pay for the car and apartment though. What is this life...

Happiness is a choice

Today I met my favourite people from all my previous postings: waved at Dr. Yufi who shrugged his eyebrows back, Dr. Afnan who grinned when he saw me and me asking him to pray for me to be happy, abengoh who kept pestering me to smile, and ended the day helping bro with his logbook.

Bro said I wasn't being myself. He said I am usually hyped but I'm not, and I never was unenthusiastic about my job but I was. I merely stared at him, somewhat proud he was paying attention but questioning if he sees through me surely my superiors in O&G can too. And I said "well I'm not feeling myself too."

Then he left me to settle his logbook while he went and accidentally took a nap, that bastard.

My parents told me to do my best and just be happy without thinking about it. I am trying.. I need a hug and have been going around giving people one, but they rarely hug me back which is making me feel more pathetic. It's quite unnatural to go up to someone and ask for a hug. Maybe I should just cry and get this over with.

Day 19 here, 103 more to go. #HOpalingmanja

In the afternoon I went to the admin to ask where I'm going to in sixth posting. Kak Ainaa said rosters are not finalized yet. That's when I noticed his file on the top of her desk corner and I thought, what kind of omen is this?

Then I met Mr. Tar asking him where he wants me posted. He said "Kuala Krai, kedua Kota Bharu, ketiga Tanah Merah." I smirked and thought of asking why not somewhere else farther, but I realized I will go farther anyway later.

2017

This 2017, my wish is straightforward:

1) finish my last two postings in time
2) become a Medical Officer in time
3) use up all my leaves and go to Japan
4) become a junior MO in Surgery at a tertiary hospital and be actively involved in R&D
5) get married (this is quite impossible but nevermind, hahaha)
6) write a book
7) get a Part A in MRCS in April

Go with God.

previously in 2016

last year's resolution was so vague i achieved them easily.

This 2016, I wish: 

1) to go farther 

i cycled until taman tengku anis back to chinatown and enjoyed buah tepi jalan. i went into some people's backyard to lepak tepi sungai pengkalan datu belakang rumah diorang.

surgical career-wise, the bros submitted APAPU poster in january with my name on it. i did the case summary for that case, so i guess this was my first.

Vicky edited the picture, how thoughtful.

in april we went to singapore for the trauma conference where vicky submitted two posters with my name on despite me doing nothing for it. later in august or so i helped luqman with his vascular poster. in september we had masterclass in HKL where i braved through dengue before i was admitted as soon as i reached KB with compensated DSS. i burned my MRCS part A because i was too sick to be thinking of exams, later had ECPSU in two weeks time. and in october the ASPS congress and i presented my first poster.

Some of us Kelantan team with biggest boss Dato' Zakaria at ASPS.

2) make better memories

a lot :)

When we took this picture in Ortho, I really almost died. But I had fun. I missed Ortho very much.

3) serve my family more

i think i did relative to 2015. urm.

4) properly believe in "love and set free"

i loved and set free. towards the end of 2016 i really did. i believe we will cross path again and by then i will be as amiable to him as ever i am with my friends.

also added another person to my most favourite person list, hahaha. friends are still poking fun at me for liking Abang Bad that much and i feel bad (lol what pun) for him for being associated to me, but i guess things will die down soon. i have a thing for brains and that's the case with Abang Bad, but truth is we're rooting for him with Kak Syafa this cute Paeds MO who seems to always be oncall same day with Abang Bad #hinthint

5) finish each posting in time

i did, except got extended two days in paeds for the dengue fiasco.

Patients tak dengar cakap

Baby melalak ongoing FFP transfusion. Patik pergi kat baby dan pegang tangan dia kelek branula dia (baru pasang sebelum masuk FFP). Perfectly intact, no signs of thrombophlebitis.

Baby dah pun berhenti menangis. Patik gonyoh2 perut dia dan membebel "Dik manja sangat ni."

---

Baby melepaskan diri dari bendungan dan membebel seorang diri sambil kunyah branula di tangan dia.

"Dik jangan la kunyah branula tu."

Baby terus mengunyah tanpa mendengar cakap. Patik menghampiri baby membawa hyperfix lebih demi menyelamatkan patik dari terpaksa pasang branula baru untuk budak ni. "Adik jangan la kunyah nanti tercabut kena pasang baru."

Patik bedung semula baby. Baby merengek. Patik segera berlalu pergi sebelum baby melepaskan diri dan kembali mengunyah branula dan patik tension.

With Arms Wide Open

I've always been crude but I know I'm a good kid. Because whenever I become crude, I feel bad afterwards.

This month's pledge is to keep silent when I have nothing good to say, keep silent when I want to be cynical.

Family are like air

What does it mean to be excited when you see someone? I grin and run up to certain people when I see their back, while some other people I'd just.. Not react much.

Today I was walking back to my ward from the parking area when a familiar voice called my name out. I turned around and it was bro standing in front of the canteen.

"Tiqs, what's up."

I looked at him, not really answering.

"Makan kat kantin?" He probed.

"Tak.. letak barang."

And I walked to where I was originally heading. I then turned around thinking I have fifteen minutes to kill before my course resume and maybe I'd hang out with him. But then I decided to head on.

"He's an adult." He doesn't need company. But he would like, I guess. Nevermind it's too hot I should get indoor asap.

And then it occurred to me. He called me out when he saw me. That's admirable. I don't think I'd call him out if I see him not even going my way.

But I'd run over if it was Vicky. Haha. It occurred to me that Luqman is a brother. He's family and he can get away with anything from me. But you don't go huha on family, they're like air. Silently important.

Child-friendly monsters

I'm always amazed when people become so selamba with me. Like yesterday's call my MO Dr. Yufi asked during rounds

"Dah amik ke BUSE dia? Owh belum amik blood lagi la bro."

Afterwards I was readying for a lumbar puncture but he said "Lepas ni la aku nak kencing jap." And he kept switching between "aku" when talking and "saya" on group message.

I was between laughing at such selambaness and thinking why was he so aloof and friendly, I don't remember him being such when I first work with him in NICU. Have I gave them aura that I'm aloof like that? I thought I behaved better than this... at least I try to.

It was a fun call. I have always liked Dr. Yufi because of his cool persona, his hair are always well coiffed and he has one of the coolest guitar riff opening ringtone out there. And since he was selamba I also went selamba with him and asked for one branula insertion without even attempting for that baby cause I was tired already don't want to bother, and we only have one branula left in this entire ward. When I asked for blood as well, despite the baby's tricky line, he went aghast "Seriously?" which reminded me of my own habit to which I snorted a reply "Seriously."

I believe that babies understand as much as us adults and so I talk to them like they do. I call them adik or by their name if they're already named, and don't do baby-talk. It was cool that I see Dr. Yufi does the same.

I guess people lose their inhibitions during oncalls. We're just so tired we don't bother anymore. We play with the babies as we run pass them because they're so cute and buncit and they're a joy to be around except for their maddening crying. I've squatted on the floor before, clutching my head in the presence of all my MOs during last call because I was exasperated with the day's jonahness, I think they thought I lost it.

---

I never call my female MO by "kak" before, I only address them such after I leave the posting (except Kak Lin in Ortho because she's so chummy with us). Cause it feels sort of like we're chummy but I don't really know these people.

But in Paeds they all address themselves as "kak" and sometimes I still call them "doctor" especially when I'm not so familiar with them. Guys of course I address as "doctor" though behind them some I address as "abang" like my favourite Abang Badddd #matabentukhati

One MO Kak Emas, she amazed me by calling me Tiqs. I don't know if it's the norm to short Atiqah for Tiqs, but in this hospital only Luqman calls me that. I wondered if she heard him call me that.

Cerek

I remember he was quite a kerek MO. He was officially my superior for a week period when I started Urology, otherwise I remember him as a friend.

There were only two HOs carrying out the AM round plan for that day, Afiq and I. The rest went to clinic by lunch time and had lunch together with the MOs and surgeons. It was nearing 2 pm and soon the MOs will come for PM round. I just finished my end of the job, prayed Zohor and managed to PM review two acute bed patients.

He came for round and approached the patient that I unfortunately didn't manage to review yet. He looked through the ticket and saw no PM review yet and asked me about it.

"Tak PM review lagi?"

"Sorry, yang ni tak sempat."

"Houseman ramai dalam wad buat ape." He said tonelessly. I didn't answer him back because in my heart I was glaring him dude there were two HOs in the ward, I did what I could, the rest went for the lunch party that you also attended, and I haven't eaten yet so please not another word.

So yeah. He can be a kerek MO sometimes..

Cuts of fresh fruits off a stall

Just a memorial update.

Today is happy. I got off work on time, then Kemal messaged saying they're at HRPZ to visit an admitted family member so I went there running to meet my niece Aya Safiyya and she is the cutest thing subhanallah cannot tahan. Perfect little girl she is.

Then I went home and napped hahaha. Woke up lazy and replied a colleague's message regarding patients, then suddenly bro called asking out for a ride. He later politely discouraged me from sleeping until so late in the evening and I was almost surprised he didn't diss me, must be in one of his reminiscening mood why else would we go out?

You know what, for the last two weeks I was merajuk with him twice (my style of merajuk is to not talk to you for a while later be normal, no need pujuk me I can pujuk myself because I am a self-sustaining rational person) because he was verbally harsh at me on the phone over a case then during rounds. I took him personally and on that Thursday I was chirpy when Mr. Ruzaimie talked to me "Awak tak ikut round ayah awak ke?" "Tak habis review patient lagi bos." but I didn't reply him nor even look at him when he joined in our conversation with what I took as harsh personal remarks on me "So awak dah pandai sangat la?" (cause I was not following rounds) and later at the end I gave him a semi frown "I'm not talking to you" because he was persistently talking to me. Later I felt bad, I should not be rude to families. But now that I think of it, I don't remember him ever be harsh when it's just us talking personal things. I should keep note of this.

Anyway I went out around 1830 hour, we went until Chinatown with solat break at Masjid An-Naim... and dodged a bullet when I came home around two hours later.

All I can say is, if you wanna go far and fast, you go with a bro.

When we took a break at Hayaki, I saw Bang Aslam! I called him out and he grinned at me "Macam kenal."

"Atiqah! Saya tak pakai spek!" Haha I would have told him off how dare tak kenal saya but was too excited to see him and I introduced him to bro.

On a side note, I introduced him as "ni abang" and later in our conversation I was praising Dr. Badrul my NICU MO saying "I'm even calling him abang now" in which bro commented "geli la panggil abang" and I disclaimed "behind him la, depan dia he's still Dr. Bad" that made me think I hope he didn't find my introduction as repulsive, hope he gets that I consider him family and not panggil him one. God forbid, I only call seniors I've known pre-working era who is born before 1988 as abang.

Man I miss Bayep.

For the love of sneakers

I had my off yesterday and I'm working all through this weekend. I like working on weekends because I get to wear my sneakers... but then I remembered what my dad told me earlier this week.

"Kakngah jangan dah la pakai sneakers pergi kerja, even weekends." He said with a grin. "Nampak macam budak2 sangat."

Enough to say I was stunned. Dad rarely gives me direct order like that so when he does I know it's really something which bothered him for a while. And I'm a good kid, I don't disobey a direct order.

So yeah. Tomorrow I'm working on a weekend and denied wearing sneakers. I WANT TO CRYYY SOMEONE BETTER CHEER ME UP CM :'(