rationality is irrelevant

post ni tak macho langsung.

kalau nak kata sebab saya baik, saya tak baik. tapi saya tak rasa saya jahat walaupun kadang-kadang saya suka kenakan orang. lebih kepada tak kisah. lagipun, kita semua dah bertahun bersama. jadi saya tak kisah, tak pernah kisah. kita kan kawan.

tapi saya takkan kata sebab kalian meskipun saya sayangkan kalian. golongan xx ni mereka kadang-kala hormon tak stabil dan bila terguris hati ditambah pula dengan sakit bahu nak flex lengan pun sengal, mereka boleh je nak nangis senyap-senyap dalam kelas sementara tunggu cikgu masuk. lebih menyedihkan, tisu pun takde.

ah. tak stabil betul.

kalau nak kata sebab duit, duit tak pernah menjadi motivasi saya. the very thought of doing things for money is insulting. lagipun saya baru je kira duit tadi dan ianya tak cukup, duit saya tak cukup, duit benda ni pun tak cukup. haha. pelik betul. tak seronok betul bila ada deficit macam ni, padahal catit penuh skema dah kot.

there is no absolute in medicine. nampaknya hidup saya juga dah jadi medicine, lulz.

kalau nak kata sebab kepuasan peribadi, takde apa yang saya dapat dari semua ni. sakit badan ada la. sakit gile, serius. saya tak kuat, tak cukup katang. mungkin seronok kalau jadi lelaki, mereka katang.

hal ini juga menguatkan keinginan saya untuk kahwin dengan orang yang pandai mengurut. tapi kalau saya dah berkahwin, mungkin kita takkan berhadapan dengan perkara ini in the first place. hahah.

kesimpulan yang saya dapat adalah, hidup mesti kerana Tuhan. buat apa-apa pun sebab Dia. ikhlas itu adalah perkara yang serius kena usahakan dengan serius. ikhlas dari langkah pertama, tawakkal dari langkah pertama. hidup demi Tuhan dengan sebenar-benarnya. kalau tak, hidup takkan gembira. dan kalau nak gembira, kena ingat bahawa sesetengah benda perlu diterima at face value, tak perlu fikir dalam-dalam sangat, argue balik atau menangis. ignorance is bliss, dan ya, hidup ini perlukan a certain level of ignorance.

macam mana nak tahu bila perlu take at face value, bila nak argue? well, sebab itu la kita perlu menjadi lebih matang dan wise. itu la yang kehidupan sedang ajar disebalik segala kesakitan badan ni.

significant others

i'm not good at maintaining relationship. i'm not good at keeping in contact. let's not talk about faith-family, friends or acquaintances, i'm barely keeping the blood-family updated via whatsapp. i don't like to use the phone for calling.

but i like people. their significance to me will always make them significant, even if i don't really show it. it's just it. a sister will always be a sister, a brother will always be a brother, a close friend nearly-cousin-like will always be close friend nearly-cousin-like, and i'll always think of them fondly whenever i think of them. and yeah, i'm more of a family person than i am a friendly person.

maybe i have to change. this attitude makes me lose contact and all, and despite always praying for them, not telling people what you have in mind isn't going to score you points with them. you fall out from their good side and you'll fall apart.

today was the first time in a long time i saw someone online. i got to know him because of a mutual significant person, and out of favour for that person i met up with him once. and that was it. i don't even remember how he looks like, but i'll always remember his name and what he signifies.

it feels nice to walk down that road again. 

"You have to be proud even if you are stupid."

There was this one or two questions that I gleefully answered and didn't bother to recheck it even though I finished early. Because I was confident.

Lulz.

Post exam, it bothered me that I was too quick with those questions. Turned out my answers were wrong. Served me right.

I most probably would have gotten it right if I used my brain instead of my instinct. It wasn't that I didn't know, it's just I was too full of myself to take a moment to think.

But I blame my eyes' need for a couple-more-minute shut. They get congested rather frequently lately, it was uncomfortable. (Okay that sounded lame).

---

During our Paediatric posting last year, Dr. Ahmed ElBeleidy when teaching us radiology mentioned the importance of using the brain to think instead of jumping at that moment with your instinct. Otherwise, you can easily mistake a pleural effusion for a collapse.

"Causes of failure in exam; ignorance and stupidity."

---

Instinct is something developed after years of experience. At this point, all my instincts might as well be a bag of bull, haha. 

Minah Buang Anak

Tong sampah luar kami di sebelah tepi pintu masuk. Warna dia pink. Dia besar. Letak sampah situ, nanti ada pakcik budiman tolong buangkan. Upah dia 5 genih sebulan (lebih kurang RM3) dan saya rasa ianya sangat amat sedikit dibandingkan dengan risiko yang datang dengan kerjaya ini. Terima kasih pakcik.

Zohor hari Sabtu saya nak buang sampah lepas balik kelas. Ada dua plastik hitam besar nak buang. Sebab tong sampah tu kosong dan besar serta dalam, maka saya menahan nafas seterusnya menjenguk ke dalam.

Terkejut nampak anak kucing tengah duduk rapat-rapat. Kes buang anak!

Anak kucing tidur rapat-rapat.

Ada empat ekor. Nampak kecik, gaya macam tak putus susu lagi. Tak perasan pulak sesape mengandung atau beranak baru-baru ni. Mona ke? Minah ke? Warna macam Minah tapi rasanya anak Minah yang lahir haritu dah besar boleh lari-lari dah.

Saya nak buang sampah, maka anak kucing ni kena duduk lain. Nak menyeluk tangan ke dalam tong sampah adalah sesuatu yang saya tak sanggup, walaupun tong itu kosong. Maka saya tonggekkan tong sampah dan anak-anak kucing menggelongsor turun ke atas tudung tong sampah yang saya dah letak dekat bawah.

Yang terakhir untuk keluar degil sikit, sikit lagi nak keluar tapi dia tahan gelinciran dengan kuku. Sambil membebel, saya tendang sikit tong sampah akhirnya semua anak kucing selamat keluar.

Ada baki sampah sarap tulang temulang dalam tong sampah tu. Habis semua tu jatuh atas anak kucing. Haha. Nasib la korang.

Saya berdiri dan perhati. Mereka comel. Saya nak main dengan diorang.

Tapi diorang busuk. Manade orang nak main dengan budak busuk. Kalau mandikan, nanti mak dia tak cam bau dan tak mengaku anak. Kesian la anak belum kenal erti kehidupan akhirnya mati kerana tidak cukup kasih sayang.

Saya pun buang sampah dan masuk rumah.

---

Asar saya keluar untuk buang sampah lagi (haha minah ni banyak betul sampah) dan nampak anak-anak kucing duduk rapat-rapat atas tudung tong sampah tu.

Duduk rapat-rapat...

Mak dia bubuh diorang empat ekor dalam tong sampah...

Damn. Sekarang musim sejuk. Diorang sejuk!

Adeh lembab betul! Hypothermia bahaya la untuk baby argh argh. Tak boleh bawa masuk rumah takut mak dia cari tak jumpa. Lagipun busuk. Hypothermia or not, saya tak nak sentuh budak busuk please. Maka saya lari masuk rumah dan minta kotak dari ahli beit.

Takde kotak kosong. Kobek stor rumah. Takde gak. Adeh. Kesian la baby. Kak Teha tawarkan kotak biskut untuk selamatkan anak-anak kucing dari hypothermia. Kecik, tapi better than nothing. Budak hypothermic tak boleh merungut.

Alaskan kotak dengan skirt lama Kak Milah yang dah jadi kain buruk. Macam muat-muat nak letak anak kucing empat ekor tapi kalau mak dia datang, memang takde ruang langsung la.

Saya keluar dan letak kotak biskut tepi tong sampah kami. Angkat sekor demi sekor anak kucing masuk kotak tu, atas satu sama lain. Mereka gemok, berat juga untuk saiz. Pandai mak dia jaga anak. Matlamat hidup baby memang untuk menjadi gemuk je.

Kelihatan sempit. Kain alas kena letak juga sebagai penebat haba, tak boleh alih.

Saya masuk semula rumah dan ambil kotak kasut. Rupanya ada yang kosong, alhamdulillah. Berguna betul suka beli kasut haha.

Keluar semula nak salin kotak anak-anak kucing. Minah ada!

"La anak kamu ke Minah. Pandai jaga anak. Ni gravida ke berapa?"

Minah menyeringai! Dia tak pernah menyeringai dekat saya selama ni! Nampaknya Minah tak suka saya cakap medic dengan dia.

Atau mungkin dia tak suka saya datang dekat dengan anak dia. Minah dekat atas tudung tong sampah dengan tiga anak dia. Sekor masih lagi dalam kotak.

Saya tak nak kena cakar. Minah kucing jalanan yang tinggal di bangunan kami ni. Mesti kuku dia hebat penuh bakteria. Kalau dia cakar, saya kena pergi hospital ambil anti-rabies shot. Sakit dow kena cucuk.

Minah dah baring menyusu anak-anak tiga ekor tu. Yang sekor lagi ni kesian camne boleh tertinggal, adakah development milestone kucing berbeza meskipun adik-beradik gravida yang sama?

Minah tengok saya. Saya tengok dia.

Tangan mencapai leher anak dia. Minah masih tengok saya.

Anak kucing letak atas lantai (yang sejuk, sorry baby). Minah masih tengok saya.

Saya letak kain alas dalam kotak kasut. Kotak biskut letak tepi. Kotak kasut letak dekat posisi asal kotak biskut.

Saya tengok Minah. Dia tengok saya.

Tangan mencapai leher anak kucing, letak dia atas kain alas kotak kasut. Minah tengok saya.

Saya berundur. Bye.

Minah dan anak-anak. 

---

Maghrib saya keluar nak tengok ape jadi dengan mereka.

Minah terbaring dalam kotak kasut. Anak-anak dia duduk dengan dia. Mereka nampak selesa.

Hehe.

P/s: Nama dia Minah sebab dia suka duduk tengah-tengah tangga halang laluan. Saya yang selalu terpaksa berlari ke kelas akan membebel "Minah ni duduk la tepi skit."

Good Ol' Days

Earlier this year I had a mental breakdown and Umair asked for the general population's help because I needed chocolate and salted chips stat. B*pis came to the rescue in the form of a big bag of Chipsy, four Kinder Buenos and four Lindt.

Few days after that, I went into my cheeky sengal-mohon-dilempang mode in classic bipolar fashion. I went on YM to pester S*pwan.

Hana: s*fwan haritu abg *pis bagi saya coklat :D
Hana: bile pulak saudara nak bagi saya coklat!
Pe*enang: Saper ni?

I laughed my head off when he answered. Annoying S*pwan has always been considered as a personal achievement, so I proceeded to brag this endeavour to Ja*k. To which Ja*k replied;

Ja*k: argh mamat ni
Ja*k: org ym die x pena2 reply
Haru: HAHAHHAHA
Ja*k: pstu ckp xbukak pn

Ah. Good old times. I wish them ease in their study and they graduate this February. I am getting them flowers.

Tough Love

During the break, we had a discussion about justice and human rights that stemmed from the quote,

"Fiqh menjauhkan manusia daripada manusia dan manusia daripada tuhan."

It was a rather heavy discussion to be written back, and I am exhausted from cooking dinner and washing the carpet after a 7 am - 4 pm class today. So I'll just jot down the principles I used during the discussion.

I believe human are social creatures with the need to band together when presented with a common ground. Similar taste in music, race, fellow countrymen, practicing the same faith, classmates, whatever it may be. From here will come preference and to a degree, favouritism.

In life, we have give and take. Islam teaches us that each relations will come with it rights and obligations. Family have rights obligated from us and we from them; our neighbours, our friends, our fellow Muslims, our fellow human, etc. Each with a different level of obligations and therefore preference and favouritism.

To conclude, "If I treat everyone the same, who will I treat special?"

So when we talk about injustice, whose law are we judging injustice by? In this world of diversity, you cannot make a judgement without considering circumstances involved, namely the culture and religions. This needs a degree of understanding or perhaps benefit of the doubt and tolerance.

And then we have the perspective we use to deal with a subject. Adjectives are really just two faces of a coin. When I was a fresh first-year in Egypt, I considered the Egyptians brash and uncivilised. Nowadays I can see them as out-going and brave, and the change in perspective made me calmer and able to live within the community and this prevented me from stabbing their kidneys every time they cut queues auscultating the patient. 

But then again, this is just my stand. You can keep bashing everything that doesn't comply with your worldview, but no opinion and no one is definite.

---

Because of this, I didn't feel anything when something happened in our class today.

We had an afternoon lecture for two hours straight. The subject was equivalent to teaching Electrical Engineering to us medical students. It was, simply put, beyond demanding. But thankfully, the lecture was in English.

Our doctor gave a 20-minute break before he starts the next hour-and-half lecture. We groaned but we stayed, using the break to discuss the earlier lecture.

Break over and the doctor continued his lecture... in ARABIC. I tried my best to follow the lecture despite my inner self kicking a tantrum. It was a hard subject even in English! It was one thing to just grasp the subject and another entirely to decode the Arab into English while grasping the fast-paced lecture. The fact that it was 3pm and we had class since 7am definitely added to the mental exhaustion.

But I stayed mum because if there is one thing I noticed about our lectures, it is that they are human and they get tired. When they get tired, they use Arabic more than English. The seniors before us endured classes in Arabic and see them now all shiny and lovely living the life as respected doctors.

So I didn't complain and doubled what was left of my focus.

After class, my friend told me why the doctor used Arabic throughout the second lecture.

During the break, one of our diligent Egyptian colleague approached the bench because he didn't understand something from last week's lecture, a topic that was fully grasped by us Malaysians.

The doctor asked him didn't he understand last week, and our colleague admitted he didn't really understand because doctor used English.

My friend continued with a sad expression that our doctor preferred the Egyptian students more, despite his very garang reprimanding them every single time each of them arrived later than the start of the lecture.

"He scolds them because he loves them. And he taught in Arabic because he loves them."

Oh, okay. That explained stuffs. It was at our expense, but it was for the benefit of others and I could see how he came to decide to do that.

I left the lecture hall feeling lighter than the resigned feeling endured throughout the lecture. It felt good to unravel the mysteries of life.

"Selamat datang ke malam yang panjang."

Everything of mine has to have its own rightful place.

You can contribute this to my neat personality or obsessive rationality, or to the fact that I tend to forget trivial things and my sanity depends on the sense of security of knowing that I can always find my keys in the second pocket or the flashlight in the fourth right drawer under the table.

So when I get home, I will arrange my shoes neatly either on the floor by the shoe rack or on the shelf if there is space. At home we don't stack shoes up on top one another, but at Umair's we do.

Afterwards I will walk to my room, putting the keys back in my bag pocket and proceed to deposit my bag on the floor by my bed.

And then I will do about my business. Change my clothes and snuggle Kevin or whatever.

But everything changes in the winter.

Upon unlocking the door, the door will be kicked close and shoes will be haphazardly strewn across the foyer. Keys will be thrown on the carpet and the bag will be dropped unmercifully where it landed.

There will then be a race against voluntary control of bladder to the washroom.

Shipping Industry Worker With A Penchant For Trees And Perfecting Deformity

Flight from Abu Dhabi to Cairo saw me sitting next to a grieving Turkish-Pakistani on her impromptu flight to be with her friend whose mother just passed away a few hours before. We chatted most of the journey because she needed to.

At one point she asked me to describe myself. I paused and told her "I'm arrogant. I tend to take people and things for granted." 

Surely I got berated for that. Reminded me of Mizuiro Kojima in Bleach whose first self-introduction was self-degradation, but he scored point with Ichigo because of his honesty.

We then got to know each other, exchanged life stories, future plans, love mishaps (lulz), laughter, Panadol. I gave her my only packet of caramelized banana chips as a token of my gratitude for everything.

Most importantly, we promised to keep in touch.

We parted at the arrival terminal gate with a hug. She reminded me to keep in touch (since we're both Leos, she probably sensed my ability to remember people in silence and conveniently forget to contact them) and I prayed she remains strong for Nagm, a happy ending with Hazem and everything goes well and smooth. 

"Better to be single than married to an ass."

"Everything has an age."

"Travel, love and worship."

"I feel like a granny; telling you all these and you smiling and nodding. Do it now or you'll regret it. I tell you, I am the future you."

All right, Nil. I get allergy with human, so I'll go love a tree now. Keh3.

I am generally reckless because I have a strong family behind me, they're proud of me even if I decide to drop medicine.

Papa senyum kepada makcik counter. "Datang hantar anak."

Saya senyum dan hulur kad temujanji. Makcik senyum balik. "Duduk dulu nanti doktor panggil masuk."

"Baik lah."

"Adik umur berapa?" Makcik bertanya.

"20 tahun," papa jawab.

"23 tahun," saya betulkan.

Papa gelak. Kami duduk.

"Kalau Hana kata Hana form five, dia percaya tak?"

"Haha."

---

Haritu open house rumah, papa jemput Dr. Rusdi makan kek karot yang Melle buat.

"Anak yang ke berapa tu?" Dr. Rusdi tanya.

"Anak kelima," papa jawab penuh konfiden.

"Melle enam la pa," saya betulkan. Papa dan hadirin semuanya gelak.

"Hana pula anak ke berapa?" Dr. Rusdi kenakan papa.

20-4-10

Papa ajar camne nak plan pinjaman untuk beli kereta.

"Rule twenty-four-ten. Deposit 20%, loan untuk max 4 tahun, potong dari gaji bulanan 10%.

Kalau amik loan lama-lama, memang la bulanan nampak sikit. Tapi jumlah accumulate dia lagi banyak."

Saya tak kesah pakai kereta apa. Tapi kalau ada kereta, might as well get one yang acceleration dia pantas dan minyak dia reasonable for milage. Dan service center dia easily accessible from where I am.

Ikutkan hati, I want a black Chevy Impala, haha. But my favourite car so far is Toyota Harrier. Nampak sangat perkasa :>

To Kill A Mocking Man

The last time I made myself vulnerable and really asked for help, I got turned down by circumstances. I ended up crying and cursing that guy all night while I struggled before I told him off screen to eff off and went for Qiamullail and repentance.

I promised not to ever get down on my knees and beg to a guy again. Ever.

Yesterday I did it again. I begged for help. And got turned down by circumstances.

I was going to be mature and say "Okay" and take my case to someone else, accepting the fact that he had issues as well. But then I realized he declined me even after I admitted I asked for help because I was scared multiple times and that I would gladly do everything else if he could just help me with that one thing...

But no. I got turned down by circumstances. And I became pissed off, so pissed that 50 ways to kill him flashed through my mind.

My favourite was cutting all his joints while he screams in torturous agony before I scatter all his appendages in the river. Then I can have a glass of teh beng.

Too Korean

Handsome Kid On The Block

He was a black dan kid so that made him one of Madam's lackeys. He arrived midway through warming up and went directly to his fellow black dan lackey conducting warm up at the front to properly bow his respect. Properly. With the right amount of stiff. Respectful.

That was a good impression on me. He ran towards the back and righted a junior's stance. Responsible.

This kid was after my own heart.

They were then practicing the basic punches and kicks. One of the white belt hubaes had a wardrobe misfunction and so said lackey stopped warming up and pulled the junior out of formation. Like a good hyung, he proceeded to tie the uniform and belt for him, hubae standing still as hyung wrapped his arms around his waist to tie the belt on neatly. A green belt hubae also had a malfunction and hyung was readily the stylist of the day.

Warming up over. He leaned on the wall, arms crossed while eying red belt juniors practiced hitting the plank from the corner of his eyes with a solemn expression.

He was probably a sixth grade student max, about 1.2 meter tall but already he was living an example of a raised-well son. This, people, is why I am a pedophile.

Shit. He's tying another hubae's belt again. And he caught me staring at him. Argh.

Monkey And The Don

Maru was practicing his pattern. To our family honour's horror, he wasn't being serious! He punched like a sissy and kicked like a wuss. After he was done, he ran and slid back to his friends like a retired bowling ball before looking around for me.

Hunching on my plastic seat and exuding boss-mafia aura despite only two hours of sleep last night, I looked him in the eye and signaled him to come over.

I told him to punch and kick like I refused to tell him where I hid Big Bro's birthday gift for him. He cringed. I told him to punch and kick harder or I wouldn't tell him where his birthday presents are.

I believe I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.

The Dance

My taekwon do instructor used to threaten us whenever we make a mistake during practice. Flirt with that big tree until it says I love you back, or so was his words. He was then a young adult.

I never knew how to flirt with a tree until it says I love you to me or how to flirt, period. However, it did occur to me the creepiness of being loved by a tree, so I usually resort to running laps whenever I did a punishable mistake.

But today, looking at the stump where the big tree used to be, I suppose if someone lean onto its tough mighty trunk and do a sexy wave, that probably will get the tree to swoon and drool I-love-yous all over them.

Pengganas

Harini saya tersilap anggar kerapatan tembok rendah di simpang dengan kereta disebabkan kegelapan malam. Sifat menekan minyak dengan riang keluar simpang telah menyebabkan kereta terseret tembok tersebut di bahagian belakang sebelah kiri sambil mengeluarkan bunyi yang kuat serta menakutkan.

Saya terbayang kecalaran yang dahsyat. Maka saya suruh adik 9 tahun di sebelah untuk berdoa semoga kereta sihat-sihat sahaja dan meneruskan perjalanan pulang ke rumah.

Kira-kira satu kilometer kemudian, kereta mengeluarkan bunyi flapping (maaf, saya fail BM) semasa meluncur di jalanan. Kereta dipandu dirasakan kurang kestabilannya berbanding biasa. Saya segera berhenti di tepi jalan sambil berdoa tayar elok-elok sahaja.

Pesan adik duduk diam-diam dalam kereta dan kunci kereta dari dalam. Saya keluar bersama henset yang berlampu suluh dan memeriksa bahagian kiri belakang kereta. Kelihatan sebuah tayar yang pancit dengan luka berbentuk L bersaiz kira-kira 10 x 10 cm.

Saya terpecahkan tayar kereta. Nice...

Orang perempuan mudah terdedah kepada bahaya jika duduk tepi jalan dalam kegelapan malam, maka eloklah kita masuk ke dalam kereta di mana kusyennya empuk dan nyaman udara air-condnya, diiringi muzik yang takde la sedap mana tetapi sekurang-kurangnya ada adik nakal yang suka tanya soalan tanpa henti. Seterusnya buat panggilan kepada penyelamat.

"Salam papa. Ni Hana." Nada tenang dan bersandar dengan selesa di kusyen empuk.

"Ye Kak Ngah."

"Hana terpecahkan tayar dekat tusyen James tadi. Tayar dah pancit. Hana parking depan bangunan SPR. Sempat ke nak balik rumah tayar camni?" Nada anak muda tinggal di Mesir lima tahun yang bukan sahaja bersifat suka menyelit ketika membawa kereta malah kini sudah naik taraf kepada tahap pelesit pemecah tayar ini masih lagi tenang.

Sebagai doktor konsultan kanak-kanak, beliau telah sentiasa berhadapan dengan SITREP oleh MO/HO di hospital mengenai pesakit yang sedang kritikal dan bertarung nyawa dengan gaya yang cool, calm and collected. SITREP anaknya kali ini pula bernada tenang dan tiada kecedaraan manusia dilaporkan dan tayar pecah bukanlah spleen pecah, maka pastilah tenang-tenang aja.

"Tak, nanti rosak tayar kalau drive. Kena tukar tayar dulu."

"Okay. Papa datang ambil kitorang boleh?"

Mama tolong papa baiki tayar sementara anak bertuah ni pegang lampu suluh.

*SITREP stands for SITuation REPort. Saya belajar dari Army Wives. 

Clairvoyant

"Recipients of a single organ donor exhibit the same bizarre, manic behaviour before lapsing into comas."

The first thing on my mind was RABIES because it was an infective neurological case from organ transplantation. I waited in high-spirit for a full 25 minute the series discussed the case, questioning why the doctors didn't think to investigate for rabies and to trace back what really happened with the donor.

And when they finally reveal the diagnosis, I was waiting with fist ready to pump.

Fist pump. God, was I smug.

And then... Nothing. I now knew the cause and that I was right. I knew once symptoms of rabies flare, there's little to nothing else you can do. But even if there was something to do, I was dampened. I didn't really wanted to know. I got my fist pump, I don't care for anything else. Aah, life's good.

It was then a revelation to me. That I am excited of cause and deduction, and not at all by actions of what's next. That explains my situation nowadays. Knowing but not doing anything about it. Clearly stated in Surah Al-Baqarah verse I-forgot-but-it's-around-two-third-of-the-surah about insolent servants like me. Huh.

The next day, it occurred to me that that case was probably the first case of rabies by organ transplantation in the world, that's why the CDC was hell late. And that my knowledge of it was inherited at their expense.

That fist pump was uncalled for. I wasn't great.