You have to make your life easier

I was oncall last night and one patient was noted to have hemiparesis after we off her sedation. During oncall round last night, we planned to do a CT brain for her the next morning. So as the HO oncall, after round that night I wrote up her CT brain request form and put it on her cardiac table awaiting round with Intensivist the next morning so he can sign it straight away and I can straight away request it after round.

So we had our morning round. My MO presented the case and progress. I held the form in my hands. Then as soon as boss said "for CT brain today", I handed him the form to sign.

Boss Nazri: Ni apa?
Me: CT brain.

Boss grinned so wide and my MOs gushed. "Wow. Excellent!"

Kak Ella my MO who was oncall last night grinned proud "Atiqah awak buat siap dah?"

I shrugged. I was just making my work easier.

Boss then signed: Awak nanti stay Anaes kan?
Abenik: Dia memang saya book stay Anaes dah. Saya tak tahu sape lepas dia pergi Basic Surgical Skill Course haritu.

One of the ways of being grateful for the things they have taught me is to make them feel good about themselves, but I'm not going to lie about anything.

"InshaAllah saya akan buat yang terbaik di mana saya berada."

Boss Nazri laughed some more. "Jawapan dia tuu."

Abang long kawasan

My Intensivist is a brutal but polite man and today I learned he has a sharp ear to go with. We ended our morning round and being the only HO around, he told me to tag with one of the oncall MOs while walking away.

"Atiqah nanti you duduk dengan Firdaus ye."

But I rather not and casually replied "Nak tag dengan abelong."

I wasn't even adressing boss and I didn't expect him to catch that. But he did and he laughed and told Dr. Idzham I called him abelong. I was a bit flabbergasted but never mind, that's what we're calling him anyway hahaha.

Anyway, I rather tagged with abelong because my first day in ICU I tagged with him as he was the senior most of all the seniors in ICU that day. Our Intensivist was the one who dubbed the three seniors as "abelong, kakngah, adik su" and said adik su announced that day that I was "under follow up abelong."

On a side note, adik su is the firmest with HOs. I'm waiting for the chance to call him adik su in the face but I'm sure I won't get away forgiven ahh but who cares.

If you cannot present, you are a useless sixth poster

Today I feared for my life as I realised here in the ICU, no one is going to really teach me unless I am proactive to learn. I have to ask. I have to offer myself to do things. They don't even call me to do stuffs like clerk cases or do procedures when a new case arrive because they're so independent, they don't need HOs.

I realised I have to set my own target what I want to achieve during my posting in the ICU, otherwise I'm going to float away in this life as a mere clerk. This is so adult.

But never mind, let's sleep and worry tomorrow.

Tidur la anak

Last night I had a nightmare. Luqman told me off for having much free time in Anaes but I didn't use it to study. He said "baik takyah duduk Anaes."

First - why Luqman of all people. I haven't seen him in a long while and the last time I ran into him at the parking lot he greeted me but I breezed through cause I was late and later I greeted him doing review in ICU he barely looked up cause he was busy. Ahh. I felt like he was on payback.

If it's the people I miss... He's not one of them. Thus it's a nightmare.

Second - God I must study.

Third - I'm actually oncall tonight. I should sleep while I could. I brushed my teeth but I'm hungry dumdidum. Actually I'm hyped excited cause I just realised my schedule next week has a postcall-off-PM and that amounts to almost two days off work weeeeeehu what should I do where should I go hahaha can I go on a small trip away alone? But I need a solid plan! Let's get away Haru!

Complete

Last night I intubated a patient single attempt in front of Dr. Hidayah. I was so proud of myself but she was unimpressed. Hahahahaha.

My life in Anaes is complete.

Bro nak duit

I have this bad habit of not carrying cash around and it's troubling when I need to buy food. What I will do is grab any nearest colleague, most of time guys, and go "Bro, nak RM x."

They will usually say things like "wow selamba pow" while fishing out money from their wallet, then I'll walk away to go buy food for me.

Today I wanted che mek molek but I didn't have RM 1 with me. I turned around and saw a couple of girl colleagues with one guy walking behind them. As expected I went up to Aflah and said "Aflah nak singgit." with my arm out.

Aflah mumbled he didn't have RM 1 while fishing out his wallet so he gave me RM 5 that he had. I forgot did I thank him or not but I remember these encounters will usually have me grinning smugly. I then left him for the che mek molek stall but someone called me from behind. I turned around and it was a group of my MOs.

Kak Syazwani grinned at me. "Awak pow Aflah ape pagi2?"

"Saya nak beli che mek takde duit so saya minta dengan Aflah" I replied like it was the most natural thing to do.

She laughed at me. "Macam anak minta duit dengan bapak."

But then the stall sold out their che mek so I went away hungry. I only wanted che mek.

Btw I owe Aflah RM 5.
Faiz RM 10.
Countless time the guys and girls treated me to lunch.

10 days left

when i was in plastic surgery rotation, i remember we went for breakfast after round during a weekend with dr. aizat. it was more of a discussion over kuihs. he told me of his housemanship, where he did his best and was welcomed back by each and every department he went through.

and im realized i am blessed as such.

my last days in labour room, the place i detest so much, so much so the nurses noticed and kak lim pointed out to me "doktor yang tak pernah nak senyum duduk kat labour room" and i didnt correct her saying the only time i smile is when im playing with the babes.

i will remember dr shantan encouraging words, a man who was thrown to a place he detested yet he survived. "when you understand it, you won't mind it. and it will be less of a burden." and dr amin who was always having fun and he commented during last night oncall that i would make a good MO O&G.

i dont like O&G from my second day of O&G in medical school and i went through posting in labour room with the greatest grief in my heart. but i did remember when miqdad asked me earlier in our posting what would i do if i am stuck as MO in O&G and i answered with a sigh "terpaksa la aku buat yang terbaik."

i have come to acknowledge the reason i hate labour room so much is because there's so much i'm not good at. the hell to use a forceps? still cannot brain this.

Munirah

Our beloved Munirah our sister-in-law's younger sister passed away last night, bravely battled SLE. She had always been the smiley one since I met her in primary school, and in her final days she was always the one who smiled and us who cried..

I cried in my brief minute beside her in the ICU, barely muttering "Ika maafkan Muni, Muni maafkan Ika please" when it hit me what her bradycardia meant. I cried telling her mom to please call her brother home that same day instead of waiting for the next day. I cried while gently tightening the clothe wrapping around her face. That's all I was capable of. And I cried thinking what a devastating loss this is, praying may she continued to be loved by all creatures here and above. This is me, someone not even related by blood. I can't even begin to imagine what her nuclear family are feeling.

Allahumma please forgive her and her family, accept all her deeds, and grant her the grandest paradise with Your prophets and martyrs. Allahumma please grant her family strength and peace in this trying time. Allahumma please let us be gather again, allahumma ameen.

100492 - 160317

Keep life simple

I always try to eat dinner at home because that's one of the time we gather. So I'll look forward to eat together once I get home after work. But lately mom's getting tired and this week she didn't cook much.

Today I was on OT duty and didn't have rice all day. Mom picked me up close to 6pm and suggested we go to HUSM and visit Munirah. I was a bit dejected, I needed to eat.

"Tak kisah la."

"Nak pergi ke tak?"

"Ikut la. Ika lapar sebenarnya."

"Mama tak masak pun lagi. Dah tahu lapar makan la sebelum balik."

Now that she said that, I guess I really am spoiled rotten. At work I have Pofin feeding me and at home I have mom. I always reminded myself when I was in Egypt that I myself am responsible for my own meals.

So we got home, I entered my room, put my bag down, passed mom by the door and said "Ika nak keluar."

And I went to Kubang Kerian and ordered food for myself. While waiting for my order to arrive, mom called.

"Pergi mana?"

"Ika keluar."

"Mama masak dah. Keluar pergi mana? Tak kata pun."

"Ika kata kan masa kat pintu tu."

"Pergi mana?"

Should I tell her the truth that I was hungry so I took up her suggestion to eat before coming home? "Keluar dengan kawan."

"Oh ok."

Of course I lied. And tomorrow onwards I'll drive to work. I'll wake up early and sacrifice my sleep for this. I'll be less spoiled.

my aging bro

nowadays commuting to the airport is the only time we meet. and luqman seems older nowadays. he's in a somber mood, feeling-old vibe, can't stand a single song Japanese, and always seems to be reminiscing.

"How long have you been in O&G?"

"I think I have about 40 days left."

"Time surely flies."

"I'm going to Anaes next."

"Final posting already?" he seemed surprised.

"Yeah."

"House officer becoming a medical officer.." in a lonely tone.

"It's almost two years already. You're getting old."

the last time he acted like an annoying teenager was when he entered my car, blasted the air-cond and radio volume max, synched his phone to my car so that he can play his techno music out loud, that was what, three four months ago? 

Work like a dog

I'm so tired. I get home and I sleep. Wake up and go to work. Such a useless life. Why did I study all this time for such a life? No money is worth the time, and not on this relatively meager amount.

Vicky told me to hold on and to take the April exam. I tell you, at this rate, I'd rather save up the money while finishing my housemanship then take a long break and spend all that money wisely, like a trip to rock festival in summer Japan.

Still have to pay for the car and apartment though. What is this life...

Happiness is a choice

Today I met my favourite people from all my previous postings: waved at Dr. Yufi who shrugged his eyebrows back, Dr. Afnan who grinned when he saw me and me asking him to pray for me to be happy, abengoh who kept pestering me to smile, and ended the day helping bro with his logbook.

Bro said I wasn't being myself. He said I am usually hyped but I'm not, and I never was unenthusiastic about my job but I was. I merely stared at him, somewhat proud he was paying attention but questioning if he sees through me surely my superiors in O&G can too. And I said "well I'm not feeling myself too."

Then he left me to settle his logbook while he went and accidentally took a nap, that bastard.

My parents told me to do my best and just be happy without thinking about it. I am trying.. I need a hug and have been going around giving people one, but they rarely hug me back which is making me feel more pathetic. It's quite unnatural to go up to someone and ask for a hug. Maybe I should just cry and get this over with.

Day 19 here, 103 more to go. #HOpalingmanja

In the afternoon I went to the admin to ask where I'm going to in sixth posting. Kak Ainaa said rosters are not finalized yet. That's when I noticed his file on the top of her desk corner and I thought, what kind of omen is this?

Then I met Mr. Tar asking him where he wants me posted. He said "Kuala Krai, kedua Kota Bharu, ketiga Tanah Merah." I smirked and thought of asking why not somewhere else farther, but I realized I will go farther anyway later.

2017

This 2017, my wish is straightforward:

1) finish my last two postings in time
2) become a Medical Officer in time
3) use up all my leaves and go to Japan
4) become a junior MO in Surgery at a tertiary hospital and be actively involved in R&D
5) get married (this is quite impossible but nevermind, hahaha)
6) write a book
7) get a Part A in MRCS in April

Go with God.

previously in 2016

last year's resolution was so vague i achieved them easily.

This 2016, I wish: 

1) to go farther 

i cycled until taman tengku anis back to chinatown and enjoyed buah tepi jalan. i went into some people's backyard to lepak tepi sungai pengkalan datu belakang rumah diorang.

surgical career-wise, the bros submitted APAPU poster in january with my name on it. i did the case summary for that case, so i guess this was my first.

Vicky edited the picture, how thoughtful.

in april we went to singapore for the trauma conference where vicky submitted two posters with my name on despite me doing nothing for it. later in august or so i helped luqman with his vascular poster. in september we had masterclass in HKL where i braved through dengue before i was admitted as soon as i reached KB with compensated DSS. i burned my MRCS part A because i was too sick to be thinking of exams, later had ECPSU in two weeks time. and in october the ASPS congress and i presented my first poster.

Some of us Kelantan team with biggest boss Dato' Zakaria at ASPS.

2) make better memories

a lot :)

When we took this picture in Ortho, I really almost died. But I had fun. I missed Ortho very much.

3) serve my family more

i think i did relative to 2015. urm.

4) properly believe in "love and set free"

i loved and set free. towards the end of 2016 i really did. i believe we will cross path again and by then i will be as amiable to him as ever i am with my friends.

also added another person to my most favourite person list, hahaha. friends are still poking fun at me for liking Abang Bad that much and i feel bad (lol what pun) for him for being associated to me, but i guess things will die down soon. i have a thing for brains and that's the case with Abang Bad, but truth is we're rooting for him with Kak Syafa this cute Paeds MO who seems to always be oncall same day with Abang Bad #hinthint

5) finish each posting in time

i did, except got extended two days in paeds for the dengue fiasco.