Work like a dog

I'm so tired. I get home and I sleep. Wake up and go to work. Such a useless life. Why did I study all this time for such a life? No money is worth the time, and not on this relatively meager amount.

Vicky told me to hold on and to take the April exam. I tell you, at this rate, I'd rather save up the money while finishing my housemanship then take a long break and spend all that money wisely, like a trip to rock festival in summer Japan.

Still have to pay for the car and apartment though. What is this life...

Happiness is a choice

Today I met my favourite people from all my previous postings: waved at Dr. Yufi who shrugged his eyebrows back, Dr. Afnan who grinned when he saw me and me asking him to pray for me to be happy, abengoh who kept pestering me to smile, and ended the day helping bro with his logbook.

Bro said I wasn't being myself. He said I am usually hyped but I'm not, and I never was unenthusiastic about my job but I was. I merely stared at him, somewhat proud he was paying attention but questioning if he sees through me surely my superiors in O&G can too. And I said "well I'm not feeling myself too."

Then he left me to settle his logbook while he went and accidentally took a nap, that bastard.

My parents told me to do my best and just be happy without thinking about it. I am trying.. I need a hug and have been going around giving people one, but they rarely hug me back which is making me feel more pathetic. It's quite unnatural to go up to someone and ask for a hug. Maybe I should just cry and get this over with.

Day 19 here, 103 more to go. #HOpalingmanja

In the afternoon I went to the admin to ask where I'm going to in sixth posting. Kak Ainaa said rosters are not finalized yet. That's when I noticed his file on the top of her desk corner and I thought, what kind of omen is this?

Then I met Mr. Tar asking him where he wants me posted. He said "Kuala Krai, kedua Kota Bharu, ketiga Tanah Merah." I smirked and thought of asking why not somewhere else farther, but I realized I will go farther anyway later.

2017

This 2017, my wish is straightforward:

1) finish my last two postings in time
2) become a Medical Officer in time
3) use up all my leaves and go to Japan
4) become a junior MO in Surgery at a tertiary hospital and be actively involved in R&D
5) get married (this is quite impossible but nevermind, hahaha)
6) write a book
7) get a Part A in MRCS in April

Go with God.

previously in 2016

last year's resolution was so vague i achieved them easily.

This 2016, I wish: 

1) to go farther 

i cycled until taman tengku anis back to chinatown and enjoyed buah tepi jalan. i went into some people's backyard to lepak tepi sungai pengkalan datu belakang rumah diorang.

surgical career-wise, the bros submitted APAPU poster in january with my name on it. i did the case summary for that case, so i guess this was my first.

Vicky edited the picture, how thoughtful.

in april we went to singapore for the trauma conference where vicky submitted two posters with my name on despite me doing nothing for it. later in august or so i helped luqman with his vascular poster. in september we had masterclass in HKL where i braved through dengue before i was admitted as soon as i reached KB with compensated DSS. i burned my MRCS part A because i was too sick to be thinking of exams, later had ECPSU in two weeks time. and in october the ASPS congress and i presented my first poster.

Some of us Kelantan team with biggest boss Dato' Zakaria at ASPS.

2) make better memories

a lot :)

When we took this picture in Ortho, I really almost died. But I had fun. I missed Ortho very much.

3) serve my family more

i think i did relative to 2015. urm.

4) properly believe in "love and set free"

i loved and set free. towards the end of 2016 i really did. i believe we will cross path again and by then i will be as amiable to him as ever i am with my friends.

also added another person to my most favourite person list, hahaha. friends are still poking fun at me for liking Abang Bad that much and i feel bad (lol what pun) for him for being associated to me, but i guess things will die down soon. i have a thing for brains and that's the case with Abang Bad, but truth is we're rooting for him with Kak Syafa this cute Paeds MO who seems to always be oncall same day with Abang Bad #hinthint

5) finish each posting in time

i did, except got extended two days in paeds for the dengue fiasco.

Patients tak dengar cakap

Baby melalak ongoing FFP transfusion. Patik pergi kat baby dan pegang tangan dia kelek branula dia (baru pasang sebelum masuk FFP). Perfectly intact, no signs of thrombophlebitis.

Baby dah pun berhenti menangis. Patik gonyoh2 perut dia dan membebel "Dik manja sangat ni."

---

Baby melepaskan diri dari bendungan dan membebel seorang diri sambil kunyah branula di tangan dia.

"Dik jangan la kunyah branula tu."

Baby terus mengunyah tanpa mendengar cakap. Patik menghampiri baby membawa hyperfix lebih demi menyelamatkan patik dari terpaksa pasang branula baru untuk budak ni. "Adik jangan la kunyah nanti tercabut kena pasang baru."

Patik bedung semula baby. Baby merengek. Patik segera berlalu pergi sebelum baby melepaskan diri dan kembali mengunyah branula dan patik tension.

With Arms Wide Open

I've always been crude but I know I'm a good kid. Because whenever I become crude, I feel bad afterwards.

This month's pledge is to keep silent when I have nothing good to say, keep silent when I want to be cynical.

Family are like air

What does it mean to be excited when you see someone? I grin and run up to certain people when I see their back, while some other people I'd just.. Not react much.

Today I was walking back to my ward from the parking area when a familiar voice called my name out. I turned around and it was bro standing in front of the canteen.

"Tiqs, what's up."

I looked at him, not really answering.

"Makan kat kantin?" He probed.

"Tak.. letak barang."

And I walked to where I was originally heading. I then turned around thinking I have fifteen minutes to kill before my course resume and maybe I'd hang out with him. But then I decided to head on.

"He's an adult." He doesn't need company. But he would like, I guess. Nevermind it's too hot I should get indoor asap.

And then it occurred to me. He called me out when he saw me. That's admirable. I don't think I'd call him out if I see him not even going my way.

But I'd run over if it was Vicky. Haha. It occurred to me that Luqman is a brother. He's family and he can get away with anything from me. But you don't go huha on family, they're like air. Silently important.

Child-friendly monsters

I'm always amazed when people become so selamba with me. Like yesterday's call my MO Dr. Yufi asked during rounds

"Dah amik ke BUSE dia? Owh belum amik blood lagi la bro."

Afterwards I was readying for a lumbar puncture but he said "Lepas ni la aku nak kencing jap." And he kept switching between "aku" when talking and "saya" on group message.

I was between laughing at such selambaness and thinking why was he so aloof and friendly, I don't remember him being such when I first work with him in NICU. Have I gave them aura that I'm aloof like that? I thought I behaved better than this... at least I try to.

It was a fun call. I have always liked Dr. Yufi because of his cool persona, his hair are always well coiffed and he has one of the coolest guitar riff opening ringtone out there. And since he was selamba I also went selamba with him and asked for one branula insertion without even attempting for that baby cause I was tired already don't want to bother, and we only have one branula left in this entire ward. When I asked for blood as well, despite the baby's tricky line, he went aghast "Seriously?" which reminded me of my own habit to which I snorted a reply "Seriously."

I believe that babies understand as much as us adults and so I talk to them like they do. I call them adik or by their name if they're already named, and don't do baby-talk. It was cool that I see Dr. Yufi does the same.

I guess people lose their inhibitions during oncalls. We're just so tired we don't bother anymore. We play with the babies as we run pass them because they're so cute and buncit and they're a joy to be around except for their maddening crying. I've squatted on the floor before, clutching my head in the presence of all my MOs during last call because I was exasperated with the day's jonahness, I think they thought I lost it.

---

I never call my female MO by "kak" before, I only address them such after I leave the posting (except Kak Lin in Ortho because she's so chummy with us). Cause it feels sort of like we're chummy but I don't really know these people.

But in Paeds they all address themselves as "kak" and sometimes I still call them "doctor" especially when I'm not so familiar with them. Guys of course I address as "doctor" though behind them some I address as "abang" like my favourite Abang Badddd #matabentukhati

One MO Kak Emas, she amazed me by calling me Tiqs. I don't know if it's the norm to short Atiqah for Tiqs, but in this hospital only Luqman calls me that. I wondered if she heard him call me that.

Cerek

I remember he was quite a kerek MO. He was officially my superior for a week period when I started Urology, otherwise I remember him as a friend.

There were only two HOs carrying out the AM round plan for that day, Afiq and I. The rest went to clinic by lunch time and had lunch together with the MOs and surgeons. It was nearing 2 pm and soon the MOs will come for PM round. I just finished my end of the job, prayed Zohor and managed to PM review two acute bed patients.

He came for round and approached the patient that I unfortunately didn't manage to review yet. He looked through the ticket and saw no PM review yet and asked me about it.

"Tak PM review lagi?"

"Sorry, yang ni tak sempat."

"Houseman ramai dalam wad buat ape." He said tonelessly. I didn't answer him back because in my heart I was glaring him dude there were two HOs in the ward, I did what I could, the rest went for the lunch party that you also attended, and I haven't eaten yet so please not another word.

So yeah. He can be a kerek MO sometimes..

Cuts of fresh fruits off a stall

Just a memorial update.

Today is happy. I got off work on time, then Kemal messaged saying they're at HRPZ to visit an admitted family member so I went there running to meet my niece Aya Safiyya and she is the cutest thing subhanallah cannot tahan. Perfect little girl she is.

Then I went home and napped hahaha. Woke up lazy and replied a colleague's message regarding patients, then suddenly bro called asking out for a ride. He later politely discouraged me from sleeping until so late in the evening and I was almost surprised he didn't diss me, must be in one of his reminiscening mood why else would we go out?

You know what, for the last two weeks I was merajuk with him twice (my style of merajuk is to not talk to you for a while later be normal, no need pujuk me I can pujuk myself because I am a self-sustaining rational person) because he was verbally harsh at me on the phone over a case then during rounds. I took him personally and on that Thursday I was chirpy when Mr. Ruzaimie talked to me "Awak tak ikut round ayah awak ke?" "Tak habis review patient lagi bos." but I didn't reply him nor even look at him when he joined in our conversation with what I took as harsh personal remarks on me "So awak dah pandai sangat la?" (cause I was not following rounds) and later at the end I gave him a semi frown "I'm not talking to you" because he was persistently talking to me. Later I felt bad, I should not be rude to families. But now that I think of it, I don't remember him ever be harsh when it's just us talking personal things. I should keep note of this.

Anyway I went out around 1830 hour, we went until Chinatown with solat break at Masjid An-Naim... and dodged a bullet when I came home around two hours later.

All I can say is, if you wanna go far and fast, you go with a bro.

When we took a break at Hayaki, I saw Bang Aslam! I called him out and he grinned at me "Macam kenal."

"Atiqah! Saya tak pakai spek!" Haha I would have told him off how dare tak kenal saya but was too excited to see him and I introduced him to bro.

On a side note, I introduced him as "ni abang" and later in our conversation I was praising Dr. Badrul my NICU MO saying "I'm even calling him abang now" in which bro commented "geli la panggil abang" and I disclaimed "behind him la, depan dia he's still Dr. Bad" that made me think I hope he didn't find my introduction as repulsive, hope he gets that I consider him family and not panggil him one. God forbid, I only call seniors I've known pre-working era who is born before 1988 as abang.

Man I miss Bayep.

For the love of sneakers

I had my off yesterday and I'm working all through this weekend. I like working on weekends because I get to wear my sneakers... but then I remembered what my dad told me earlier this week.

"Kakngah jangan dah la pakai sneakers pergi kerja, even weekends." He said with a grin. "Nampak macam budak2 sangat."

Enough to say I was stunned. Dad rarely gives me direct order like that so when he does I know it's really something which bothered him for a while. And I'm a good kid, I don't disobey a direct order.

So yeah. Tomorrow I'm working on a weekend and denied wearing sneakers. I WANT TO CRYYY SOMEONE BETTER CHEER ME UP CM :'(

They told me to not be a girl

We have a baby under our care at the NICU planning for a radiological investigation soon, but Fateh is still ventilated and who is going to accompany the baby; ICU team or the instigating team? Today our surgeon asked me and I said

"Ikut hati saya," while making forms for the blood I took. "Saya lagi confident Medical hantar patient dari HO Surgery."

Because let's face it, can they manage the ventilation part? When I was in Surgery, I couldn't.

"Kenapa kena ikut hati kau. Penting ke." Dr. Zafran taunted.

The MOs are used to bickering with me and it has become a regular for them, but I'm getting tired of being constantly treated harshly by the people I like. I know we're friends and we hang out together, but when we're talking about cases do I have to even request we be civil and professional? In front of the bosses no less?

So I answered sharply. "Penting sebab saya yang jaga dia." And that shut him up.

Afterwards I asked Luqman of the plan he wrote when Mr. Ruzaimie saw the case that I referred last night.

"What was the first word? I couldn't read your writing."

"Spigot."

"Oh okay." I'll look it up, I'm not familiar with that term.

He was shutting the door behind him when he answered me but he made a double turn.

"The eyes don't see what the mind doesn't know." And then he left.

I held my tongue from making a comeback. I know he's in a midlife crisis but there was no need to be hateful like that. And what I asked was regarding a case, nothing personal. So why make a personal comment?

It's a good thing I am becoming a surgeon because I have a clear vision of what I want. Had I been a lesser person I would have abandoned these people. The surgeons are great, Dr. Aizat and Dr. Vicky support me academically, my sisters are amiable with me but these two idiots for MOs are pushing my limit, Luqman especially. It matters to me because I consider him my bro and I am stupidly sentimental, and he and Dr. Zafran are pushing it. Don't they see the lines between friends and professionalism?

If this happens again, if they can't stay professional and I keep taking this personally, I'm going to say "that's it" and walk out of this brotherhood.

I should act more like a lady (keyword here is should)

These three days has been fun. Whenever I'm bored I will naturally follow my bros around; one is ongoing midlife crisis, another who introduced me to his colleagues as "my boss" or "who is making my life miserable" and another one is a natural bully me.

I learned a lot from Dr. Zafran but he's a funny crazy guy so I naturally became relentless and talked back making their colleagues lifted eyebrows in surprise.

"MO ke HO?" Dr. Mad (was MO HRPZ) said.
"Saya HO."
"Macam ni ye HO sekarang.." Dr. Zaim (V's first year colleague) said.
"Dengan Dr. Zafran je saya macam ni." Sambung gaduh dengan Japran.

One time I turned to kopiah-wearing Dr. Fadli (was MO HRPZ) after Dr. Zafran wouldn't stop annoying me and I asked

"Masa Dr. Fadli MO HRPZ memang layan HO macam ni ke?"

"Haah kami memang layan HO macam ni. Kami siap digalakkan lagi."

"Nevermind I asked the wrong guy.."

---

Today Dr. Zaim addressed me by my name. I think I might have been too reckless here.

ASPS 2016 Precongress Meeting

L smiled at me. I know that smile.

"Tiq, tolong ambilkan bag (pendaftaran) for me."

Nice me went and dealt with the secretariat. This dude didn't register with his proper name, nasib baik this then-reporter had a penchant for remembering people's full name. Came back and handed him his.

Japran: Mane aku punya.

I glared him but nice me went and met the secretariat again. She obviously sympathised with bullied me.

Me: Nah.
Japran: Buatkan kopi sekali.

My legs moved to play the servant role but I might spit in his coffee.. so I said no.

---

Dr. Fadli: Eh cite la pasal xxx.
Mustaq: HO tak boleh dengar.
Me: Okay. (Stood up)
Mustaq: Ala gurau je.

I went away anyway because I'm nice and don't do gossip. I left them boys to what they do best (gossiping) until later Mustaq called me out.

Mustaq: Hang pernah tengok Ghostbuster?
Me: Tak.
Mustaq: Duduk sini semula.
I dragged my chair into their cycle.

Camne tak dapat prostate asyik lepak dengan abang2 je, tapi kakak2 tak ajak lepak sekali hmm.