But do I want to?

"Atiqah awak dah kahwin?" My MO asked me suddenly while sitting in his chair, looking at his phone.

"Belum."

"Kenapa belum?"

"Hmm." I stared at the patient I was reviewing. "Saya pun tak tahu."

Actually, I know. If you see my life nowadays, you will doubt that I am fit to marry anyone. I wake up on my own but refuse to get up until my parents call for me. I shower, pray, get ready, eat whatever mom prepares for me then sleepily wear my socks in the car and shut my eyes as dad drives me to work. Then I punch in and start my day. For lunch I will have whatever mom packs for me.

My parents pick me up and I will tell them about my day. I get home, find the will to go for a ride but most of the time overthinking the routes and decide not to. After Maghrib I will be lifeless on the couch thinking of studying and those sort of things and retire in early.

And the next day comes. Life outside work isn't very productive. For example, yesterday I took a leave for the sake of it but went to the hospital anyway. Dr. Afnan and Aizat said I was dedicated, kept making references to my "level of dedication" when really, I was just too bored alone at home and have no one to make plans with. I haven't read a proper book in a long while.

I have to change myself before I invite anyone in. There is no guarantee I will change after I meet him.